Strange What Funny Things Love Makes Foolish People Do
by Princess Laubie
Summary: Following their break-up, Alec and Magnus try to come to terms with life apart from each other. But can they just walk away? Told from Alec's, Magnus' and Jace's POVs. M rated for a reason (or a few). WARNING: adult content features so reader discretion is heavily advised.
1. Chapter 1

_I felt like I was drowning when I woke up, gasping for air like I had been held under water and then allowed to surface. My entire body ached. My legs, arms, chest, eyes, finger-tips.  
It is strange – that moment you wake up, whether the dream was good or bad, there is always that moment before your memory kicks in, the blissful ignorance between sleep and consciousness.  
And then those memories you briefly forgot come hurtling back to you, slamming into your brain like a freight train.  
My heart feels like it is made of lead, heavy and aching inside my chest as I remember what has happened. Tears re-surface, stinging my eyes, even though I thought I had cried so much last night I would never be able to cry again, completely dried up and empty. I fall out of bed as if my body has no energy despite my restful sleep and crawl into the dark space underneath it, the cold floor providing a strange comfort. I need the darkness. I don't ever want to see the light again. It is too bright and it hurts too much.  
I have ruined my life.  
That is what keeps circling around inside my head.  
I have lost just one thing. One person. But it feels like the world has ended and I have been left here alone. And it's my fault. I did this to myself.  
I feel sick and broken and it hurts so much. Too much.  
I see my steele glinting at me on the floor. I realise I cannot take it anymore. My mind is in a frenzy and I realise I need to try again. Try to heal myself from this agony. The pain may be deserved but it is becoming unbearable.  
I grab it and lift my arm to its touch before I notice there is no space on my left arm for another iratze. I hold the steele steadily in my left hand then and trace the lines on my right arm instead. I trace carefully and slowly, making sure I mark deep. It needs to be deep because I need to start to heal enough to get up and face the world. It stings, adding to the pain I am already feeling, but this pain is good because it will help. It has to._

* * *

"All I'm saying is people break up all the time. Even people who think they are in love. He is not the first person to ever go through this, nor will he be the last. And he really needs to snap out of it because it is completely unhealthy."  
Jace looked at her sharply.  
"Well maybe you've never been in love before," Jace started. Isabelle avoided his gaze, setting her eyes firmly to the floor. "I understand what he's going through," Jace told her indignantly.  
"Oh yes, of course, because no one has ever been as in love as you and Clary. Forgive my cynicism, but don't you think every couple feels that way at some point?"  
Jace took only a beat to consider.  
"No. I think only a few, very lucky people, ever experience that kind of love."  
"And you think that was Alec and Magnus? Seriously? They argued constantly. You can't suggest they were right for each other? An eighteen year old Nephilim and an eight hundred year old _Warlock_? His father is meant to be a Prince of Hell, you know. Hardly a suitable 'life partner' for my brother in my opinion…"  
"Exactly," Jace cut in, "_Your_ opinion."

At that moment, Clary breezed through the door of the kitchen, her red hair escaping from the scruffy knot on her head. Jace's heart always seemed to skip a beat when she walked into a room.  
"Hey guys," she said, sounding rather untroubled. She poured herself a glass of water and took a few quick gulps before she noticed the tension.

"Ummm, did I interrupt something?" she asked tentatively.  
"We were just discussing 'THE' break-up," Jace told her as he walked over to her and shrugged his arm around her.  
"Which is none of our business," Isabelle emphasised. She cut Jace an icy stare.  
"Isabelle was just saying how she thinks Alec should stop moping so much. Because, you know, he didn't just break up with the guy he was in love with or anything."  
"I was _saying_ that there were a lot of holes in their relationship and they were bound to break up sooner or later. They were always picking fights with each other, making each other miserable. It wasn't healthy. And now Alec can start recovering and move on." Isabelle held up her head haughtily, as if she had spoken with profound wisdom.

"And _I_ _was_ _saying_ that their relationship was so _normal_ that I could see them being together, bickering at each other, for the rest of their lives," Jace parried back. "Any idiot could see how in love with each other they were," he finished.  
"Well, the rest of Alec's life…" Isabelle interjected.  
"Wasn't that the problem though?" Clary enquired. "Alec didn't want Magnus to be immortal and Magnus wasn't prepared to give it up?"  
"I think there is more to it than that," Jace told her.

Isabelle let out a long-drawn sigh and slumped down onto a chair. Jace knew she was only looking out for Alec, wanting him to get better. Without Alec they couldn't really be a team, he knew that. They _needed_ Alec back. He would be needed to fight pretty soon and in his current state he was only really battling himself.

"Jace, you know what he's like. He needs to start distancing himself now. It doesn't look like Magnus wants to return his calls. I tried myself and quite frankly he was rude to me. I think he is going to disappear any day now and Alec is better off without him if you ask me. You know we can't afford for him to be distracted."  
She dropped her head into her hands, she was always the strong one but he could tell she was lost right now having to protect her older brother. She deserved someone to protect her.

"What do you want me to do?" Jace resigned. She was right of course; no matter how much Alec's heart had been broken they couldn't afford to lose him now, not with what was coming.  
"Make him stop trying to contact Magnus, I think that would be a start. And then make sure Magnus doesn't contact him either. I think he may be enjoying my brother's attention a little too much and if Alec stops calling I am sure his interest will start to perk up and it will have the complete opposite effect. We can't let that happen." She spoke flatly, coldly, hardly any emotion touching her steady voice. She was so much like her mother in that moment it was a little scary.  
A silent tension built up in the room and they all dispersed, saying their goodbyes for the evening in awkward hushed voices.

Jace knew he had to help Alec out and he had been trying, but Alec didn't seem to _want_ to get over Magnus. It had come to a head this evening – Alec had been shut up in his room since it had happened and had shunned most human contact. When Jace had gone in Alec would just be lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling or asleep. When Jace tried to talk to him, Alec would just ignore him completely or give him short, non-committal answers or just carry on dialling Magnus' number and then hanging up like Jace wasn't even in the room. Izzy had been taking him food and drink, but he had barely touched anything and tonight Jace had felt a sharp sting go through himself and his _parabatai_ rune and knew it was Alec. He had rushed to his room with Isabelle but Alec seemed fine, curled up on his bed fully clothed and sleeping. At least, he had looked like he was sleeping, but Jace suspected he probably wasn't. But it was that small scare that Alec may have physically hurt himself that made them realise they had to do something.

They needed an intervention.

* * *

Jace bit his lip as he walked up to the door of Alec's room, contemplating what he might say. He stood there for a moment, not wanting to go in and face him.

"I know you're out there Jace. Leave me alone," Alec's voice resounded through the door and with that Jace pushed the door open and strode inside. Alec was sitting on the floor, his legs folded up against his chest and his back resting on the side of his bed. He was hunched over and gazing wistfully at his phone that he was propping up on his knees.

"Well there's a surprise. I didn't know if you'd be here or not," Jace told him sarcastically and flung himself onto Alec's bed.  
"Hey, get off my bed..." Alec told him pathetically, but made no move to make him. Jace peered over the edge of the bed – it looked like Alec was composing a text message.

"Ah, deciding on the less annoying texting tactic I see," he goaded. But Alec didn't reply. Jace's heart sank. If truth be told he was starting to feel lost without Alec. Jace needed to train a lot to try and control this fire thing and he wished he could train with Alec. They were _parabatai_ and he knew Alec would help him better than anyone else.

Maybe he was being selfish; he knew how hard it was to not be able to be with the person you were in love with, but they all needed Alec to be on form. They didn't know what was coming exactly, but full-out war looked likely and they all knew it was going to get very bad and very serious soon.

"So…" Jace ventured. Alec was silent.  
"You want to come training?" Alec sighed, but didn't reply. Now Jace was becoming frustrated. He swatted the back of Alec's neck with his hand and accidently made his jumper catch alight. Alec jumped up with a yelp and Jace scrambled from the bed and tackled his _parabatai_ to the floor where he rolled him and extinguished the flames.  
Alec looked murderous.  
"Ummmm, sorry about that," Jace told him sheepishly and then grinned apologetically at him.  
"You can't go round burning people who don't want to play with you Jonathan," Alec told him sternly.

Jace began to laugh and, to his surprise, Alec started to join in. And there they were, both lying on the cold floor laughing manically. If anyone else had been around, they would have probably thought both of them had completely lost it.  
"Well now you have seen what happens when you ignore me, _Alexander_," Jace breathed out between laughs. "Fear my wrath Shadowhunter," he teased.  
They were still breathing heavily from the laughter and the shock of the fire, trying to catch their breaths when Jace reached over and touched Alec's arm lightly. Alec started and stared at him.

"It's a relief to hear you laugh," he told Alec with all sincerity. He then immediately regretted it because Alec's deep blue eyes became forlorn and lost once more before he got up with a huff, retrieved his phone and perched on the end of the bed. Jace let out a long sigh before he stood up and went over to join him.

"_Please_ will you come training with me?" Jace tried to plead sweetly. Alec snapped his head up and looked at him with a mix of surprise and disbelief on his face.  
"You honestly think that if you ask me _nicely_ I will come out with you? I'm not going out now it's dark and too cold and I'm really tired. So just leave me alone ok?"  
"Ok, tomorrow then?"  
"Why don't you get it? I don't want to go anywhere!"  
Alec flopped his head into his hands, discarding his phone onto the blankets.  
"Alec… The truth is I need your help." At that Alec peered inquisitively from behind his fingers.

"I don't think I can control _this_ all by myself. Everyone is trying to help and Jordan's meditation techniques are – unbelievably - helping a bit. But I need my _parabatai_. I need my brother. I need you Alec. Please."  
Alec stared at Jace's face for a moment, searching for but not finding a trace of a joke or a lie. Alec dropped his hands from his face, but kept his eyes lowered.  
"I'm sorry," he whispered in a small voice.

"Let's go to the park in the morning," Jace suggested and Alec took a deep breath and sat up slightly, a determination spreading across his face.  
"Ok, I'll come training with you. Don't want you burning down the Institute or anything…" he said heavily. Jace sprang up off the bed with a huge smile on his face. This was definitely progress. He bounded to the door and then turned back to face Alec who was still sat stonily on the bed. Alec grabbed his phone and pressed some buttons.

Jace coughed and Alec looked up sharply at him.  
"You might want to throw that jumper away now, it's pretty charred," Jace told him with a smile before leaving and hearing Alec curse loudly behind him as he, no doubt, checked out the damage to his clothing.  
This was progress at least. He had missed training with Alec a lot.


	2. Chapter 2

**Please note that the writing in bold a little way in is a direct quotation from a snippet from City of Heavenly Fire that Cassandra Claire has previously posted to her Tumblr and Twitter accounts. I do not own this material and use it only in the most humble and respectable way to try and make my fiction more canon.**  
**Warning: this chapter contains references to adult themes. Reader discretion is advised. **

Alec leant back on the grass, letting the coolness of the green blades caress his body through his leather gear. Jace lay next to him and they were both breathing heavily after a long training session. It was really sweet of Jace to try and take his mind off his and Magnus' break-up. His _parabatai_ had been so concerned over the past couple of days and it did give him some comfort to know that he cared.

Unfortunately, the distraction hadn't really worked. Jace was getting frustrated with his 'fire problem'. It was more difficult to control than either of them had anticipated and, it would seem, the more fiercely Jace trained, the harder it was to control burning things. Alec's arm still smarted a bit from a burn. In frustration they had both given up exhausted. However, as soon as Alec had stopped and was no longer being burnt by Jace, he had remembered Magnus and his heart crumpled of its own accord inside his chest once more.

Alec tried to furtively pull out his new phone from his pocket. He had bought it early this morning, before meeting Jace in Central Park for their training session. He needed a new phone because Magnus had stopped picking up when Alec called. He still hadn't managed to speak to Magnus, always hanging up in fear, but it was so comforting to hear the other man's familiar voice. He craved the sound, like it was some sort of drug. If Jace saw him trying to call Magnus again he would kill him, so Alec thought better of it and slid the phone back into his pocket.

"What's that you've got?" Jace enquired breathlessly. Alec's heart skipped. Had he really been caught out that easily?  
"Nothing," he said a little bit too quickly.  
"Seriously, what is it?" Jace asked, genuinely curious. "It's not something 'naughty' is it?" he said teasingly as he rolled around on the grass so he was facing Alec. He sputtered and blushed a deep crimson, making Jace throw his head back and laugh.

"If you must know, it is my new phone," Alec grunted, trying to sound unconcerned.  
"And what was wrong with your old one?"  
"Broke"

"I'm not surprised. You probably fried it giving Magnus all those missed calls." Alec blushed redder, if that was even possible. Not just because Jace had called him on his behaviour, but because to hear someone say Magnus' name still made him feel dizzy and sick.

"Let's have a look then," Jace said brightly. Alec scowled at him, but before he knew what was happening Jace had rolled on top of him in a rough tackle and grabbed the phone out of his pocket in a swift and fluid movement. Alec choked and gave a little yelp in protest, but his friend just laughed manically. He tried to wrench the phone away from him, but it was no use, he was gripping it too tightly and waving it away from Alec's reach.

Alec gave up in a huff and rolled onto his back with a 'hmph', folding his arms petulantly about his chest as Jace examined his phone. Suddenly, Alec noticed a blaze of golden light out of the corner of his eye – Jace had set his new phone on fire.  
"Hey!" he screamed and tried to reach it once more, but Jace had his arm held out over Alec's chest, preventing him from moving. The fire flowed through Jace's hands uncontrollably and Alec felt the sting of the fire ripping through his tunic where Jace was holding him back. Alec winced away in pain and looked at his _parabatai_ wide-eyed with horror.

The fire around Jace's hands receded and he held the blackened remains of Alec's phone in his palm. It smoked slightly. Then he pulled out a dagger and brought the hilt of it down hard over the charred cell. It shattered and Alec could only look on in disbelief, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping open. Jace handed the pieces of the phone to Alec, a big smug smile on his face.

**Alec looked down at the shattered pieces in disbelief. "You BROKE my PHONE."**

**Jace shrugged. "Guys don't let other guys keep calling other guys. Okay, that came out wrong. Friends don't let friends keep calling their exes and hanging up. Seriously. You have to stop."**

**Alec looked furious. "So you broke my brand new phone? Thanks a lot."**

**Jace smiled serenely and lay back on the grass. "You're welcome."**

Alec crushed his hand around the broken shards, letting them cut into his skin. Warm blood trickled out through the sides of his tightly closed fist. Rage whipped up within him like a ferocious sand storm, numbing him all over. He felt like he was in a bubble, the world around him melting.

"Hey!" Jace yelled and leapt over to him, grabbing him by the wrist and forcing him to loosen his grip on the shards of his phone.  
"What do you think you're doing?!" Jace asked, panicked. Alec looked at him sharply, as if he had just been pulled out of a trance. His anger had subsided, but the numbness it had caused was still there.

"You're bleeding!" Jace yelled.  
Alec looked down at his hand. "Oh yeah…" he said dreamily. It didn't hurt, but it was fairly fascinating seeing the redness of the blood against the pale white of his skin. Jace started shaking him violently.

"Alec, I'm sorry I broke your phone, but I am so worried about you. We all are. Look at you, you are in such a state! Why are you hurting yourself?!"  
"I'm sorry too," Alec told him in a small voice. It sounded like his words came from somewhere distant, not from his own lips. He was vaguely aware that his eyes were wet.  
Jace pulled him to his feet and carried him over to a large tree, supporting most of Alec's body weight and then carefully placing him down so he was resting against the trunk.

Jace took hold of his hand firmly and began pulling out the pieces of glass and plastic that had stuck into his skin. Then he removed his steele from his jacket pocket and took hold of Alec's cut hand. He drew a small _iratze_ just at the juncture of his hand and wrist and the cuts closed and healed. The blood shone brightly, hypnotising him. Jace took hold of Alec's other arm where he had been accidently burnt earlier and Alec winced away, pulling his arm sharply from his friend's grip.

"Let me see Alec," Jace demanded, but Alec held his arm closely to his chest and shook his head.

_He doesn't need to see this…_

Jace sighed, "Come on, I know I burnt you earlier – may as well _iratze_ that one up too now I've got my steele out." But Alec held firmly onto his own arm and stared at the ground determined.

"Alec? Give me your arm."  
"No."  
"Stop being such a baby…"  
"Get lost Jace!" Alec yelled at him. Jace looked thoroughly taken aback.

"Why won't you let me heal your arm?" he asked tentatively. Alec grunted with annoyance and tried to stand up, but his _parabatai_ held him down.  
"What are you hiding?"  
Alec's heart seemed to explode.  
"Nothing! Just leave me alone!" he told Jace fearfully.

He grabbed Alec firmly and, though Alec tried to struggle, Jace pushed up the leather sleeve of his tunic and gasped when he saw Alec's bare arm.  
"I honestly don't know what to say…" Jace breathed, staring. Alec looked at him, no longer trying to pull away. His arm really was a mess. Small, red, angry-looking cuts in the shape of badly drawn _iratzes_ covered his arm so you could barely see his skin underneath.

"They didn't work," Alec observed meekly. Jace snapped his head up and looked at him fiercely.  
"Of course they didn't work you idiot. They don't work unless you have something to heal!"

"It hurts," Alec strangled out, his voice pained and breathy. Jace's golden eyes drooped in sadness.

"Alec, you know there are no runes to heal a broken heart. Why did you do this to yourself?" Jace's voice was soft and warming, but Alec's chest still felt tight and he was unable to respond.

His _parabatai_ held up his arm and examined it as best he could. Eventually he pulled his steele to a small, unharmed piece of skin just above Alec's elbow and drew a quick, neat _iratze_ and Alec's burn disappeared. Silently, Jace pulled Alec's tunic open so his chest was exposed and drew another healing rune just below his collarbone to heal the burn there too.

Alec wasn't sure how he got back to the Institute, it was all a blur. He thought they must have got a taxi because he couldn't remember walking very far or getting on the Subway. He assumed they had travelled back in silence too, because he couldn't recall Jace saying anything else to him. Now they were sitting on his bed and Alec was staring off into the distance, not looking at anything in particular.  
"Alec, I'm going to get Isabelle. I'm hoping she will know what to do," Jace told him softly as he stood up. Alec's stomach lurched. He didn't want Izzy to know, but he didn't have the energy to try and stop him. Alec gazed down at his left arm, which was now bandaged. Jace must have done it, though he couldn't remember it.

Isabelle and Jace strode into his room. She looked pale and worried, her black hair slightly tangled and out of place. His sister's pretty face was a mix of horror and sadness and her dark eyes shone with tears against a smoky backdrop of smudged eye makeup. She said nothing; she just walked over to him briskly, sat down beside him and hugged him tightly, almost aggressively. It felt good in her embrace, safe and familiar. Alec felt his chest loosen and the numbness recede from his body, ebbing away like a dark tide. Suddenly the pain was back again, consuming his entire body. He began to cry unashamedly.

"I'm sorry," he kept repeating between sobs as his sister stroked his hair and made comforting sounds, rocking him back and forth trying to calm him down like he was a small child. He might have been embarrassed that he was behaving so childishly, letting his little sister look after him like he was some weird baby, but at that moment he didn't care.  
"I'm going now." He heard Jace say over his weeping.  
"Better you than me because I will just end up _killing the bastard_," his sister whispered harshly.

They were talking about Magnus.

"Please… don't… hurt him… my fault… I hurt him… too much."

Alec was aware that he was fairly incoherent as he was crying, but he hoped that Jace and Izzy had got the jist of what he was trying to say. The last thing Alec wanted was for either of them to confront Magnus and tell him how not ok Alec was. He didn't want Magnus to worry about him; that was unfair. Magnus needed his space and really didn't need to be bothered by any of his family. Because Alec was clinging to a small seed of hope that if Magnus still loved him, and he said he did the night they broke up, he would eventually forgive Alec. But if anyone else were to interfere and try to hurt Magnus as a form of revenge then he was sure the Warlock would run for the hills as fast as he could.

It took ages for him to stop crying. Isabelle just clung to him silently until he stopped, then she kissed him and left him alone 'to rest'. But Alec needed to get away, he needed some fresh air to clear his head. His guilt was eating him up inside: guilt for not just betraying Magnus, but also because he was grieving the loss of their relationship more than he had grieved over his little brother's death.

Magnus had been there for Alec when Max died, comforting him and not caring how much he cried. But now Magnus wasn't here. The rock that had steadied him was now gone and Alec was left blowing carelessly in the wind. His healing runes hadn't worked, but when he had drawn them the pain they had caused had momentarily distracted him from the bigger, all-consuming pain that coursed through his body now.

_I have to get over him. For everyone's sake_.

War was coming and Alec needed to be able to fight. Right now, all he could do was look into the distance and cry; he couldn't train and he couldn't fight while he was in this much pain.  
Alec grabbed his jacket that was hung up inside his wardrobe and removed his spare steele from the drawer of his bedside table after checking his pockets and finding the one he had on him earlier to be gone. Jace had probably taken it off him at some stage and Alec couldn't really blame him for that.  
He pulled down his pants and drew a silence rune carefully on his left thigh. His arms were still painful from the _iratzes_ he had tried to etch on himself. Then he pulled them back up and slipped through his door, making no sound.

Soon, the night air was upon him, cooling and calming him. He walked down deserted back streets, not going anywhere in particular, just letting his feet carry him forward. He didn't know what he was looking for, but he knew he needed to stop the pain. A lightbulb went on in his mind.  
There was a drug store a few blocks away from Magnus' building that was open late. He would be able to pick up some painkillers. It wasn't ideal, but it would have to do. He was pretty sure that mundane drugs didn't come with a caveat that they could only take away your pain if you were actually, physically hurt.

_Stupid runes_.

Also, this plan was brilliant, because if he just so happened to walk past Magnus' building to see what the Warlock was up to, then all the better.

Suddenly, Alec's senses started to prickle. He was being followed. He pulled out his sensor, but there wasn't any demon activity registering. He breathed a sigh of relief as a boy appeared soundlessly in front of him. He had sandy hair and big pale blue eyes. His skin was smooth and pale like he had been sculpted from alabaster.

"Why are you following me Vampire?" Alec asked him with more than a hint of exasperation in his voice. The boy smiled, letting his fangs slip down so they were visible.  
"Don't worry Nephilim, I won't bite you unless you want me to," he teased. Alec sputtered at the comment.  
"Why on earth would I let you bite me?"  
"You let Camille bite you and drink your sweet Shadowhunter blood," he purred. There was something unsettling and alluring about him. Alec eyed at him with loathing and suspicion and drew his seraph blade.

"Ok calm down," the Vampire chuckled coldly. "I meant no offense. Maureen sent me to follow you."

Alec's heart started pounding. "What does she want now?" he asked nervously.

"Nothing as far as I'm aware… yet. But I couldn't help notice how sad you are Nephilim. Trying to forget someone?" He made a slow, careful move toward Alec, but he was clearly unarmed (if you didn't count his fangs) and it didn't look like he wanted to fight.

"That is none of your business," Alec spat at him venomously.  
"All I'm saying," the Vampire told him in a silky, deep voice. "Is that if you need to forget something or somebody, or lose your pain for an hour or two I know a place we can go."

He was very attractive, slender and toned though he wasn't as tall as Alec. He had pretty glass blue eyes and full, pouty lips. Alec didn't know whether it was courage or simple curiosity that drove him to agree.

"Where is this place?" he asked firmly. The Vampire laughed a cold, hollow laugh and held out an elegant had towards Alec.  
He took it, its coldness biting into him though the touch made his heart flutter with excitement.

The Vampire led Alec down dark alleyways silently until they arrived at the back of a non-descript dark building outside a plain grey fire door. He smiled at Alec, almost affectionately, as he tapped three times on the door. They were still holding hands.

The door creaked open and a very large burly man wearing shades and dressed in black leather answered. A heavy smell of smoke pervaded the air. He was about to step aside and let the Vampire through, clearly recognising him, when he spotted Alec.  
"Non-members got to pay the fee," he grunted gruffly.  
"This one's with me," the sandy-haired Vampire told the big guy calmly. Alec gulped, trying to swallow down his nervousness. The large man stepped reluctantly aside and the Vampire pulled him through.

It was dark and thick with smoke; a long corridor with a single black wooden door at the end of it. Alec could hear the faint pulsing of music with a heavy bass coming from the other side. The Vampire stopped and turned to face Alec.

"This is going to feel amazing Shadowhunter, believe me. But I have to warn you, if you see anyone in here you know you must promise not to report them to the Clave. We do get other Nephilim here from time to time and it is our utmost priority to protect our customer's privacy. You, of course, shall be extended the same courtesy. I can assure you that the Clave will not look favourably upon you if they knew you were here. And no killing anyone whilst you're here, ok? I know how much you Shadowhunters enjoy a good slaughter."

Alec's mouth felt dry.

"Maybe I should leave then," he said firmly. The Vampire looked at him, his eyes widening and his lips curving into a sweet smile.  
"Ah, but you don't want to leave. I can tell you're intrigued. I can tell that you need to be here tonight."

Alec wasn't sure if it was some sort of Vampire trick, but he was right – he did want to be here, he did want a way to forget his pain and his grief.

"You have my word I will not tell the Clave about this." Alec told the Vampire.  
"Or kill anyone?" the Vampire parried back playfully. Alec nodded in agreement.

The Vampire brushed his cold hand lightly across Alec's cheek, his other hand was still gripping Alec's firmly. The touch was cold, strange and foreign. Alec was used to Magnus touching him like that but the Warlock's touch had always been warm and made his stomach do flips. This touch felt different, numbing and dangerous, but it was exciting too.

"Come on then," the Vampire whispered as he pushed open the door and led Alec inside.

**It will get worse before it gets better, but please keep tuned for some lovely lemony, Malec fluff in later chapters! I promise it will happen!**


	3. Chapter 3

_The room was furnished lavishly with silken drapes hung from the ceilings and in a variety of faded colours and exotic patterns. The swathes of material were bunched into tent-like structures dotted about the cavernous room. Music that seemed to have no tune, just heavy, thick beats vibrated through the wooden floor and through the oppressively sweet-smelling air. The room was dark, lit by small lamps dotted around and covered in the same thick silk as the drapes so that they cast long coloured shadows about the place. Some drapes were slightly ajar and tangles of bodies resided within their embrace, sprawled out on over-sized shiny cushions in hues of reds, golds and browns. Human bodies, fairie bodies, warlock bodies, all entwined with each other, writhing to the pulse of the music, laughing, sighing, touching, loving, sleeping._

_Alec looked at his Vampire escort, who gestured around the room, a wicked smile across his smooth face.  
"Welcome," he said, his voice a blend of satin and poison. He was mesmerising, his eyes such a light blue that they were mostly silver with just a light touch of azure that made them hypnotic in the low light.  
All he could do was stare. His heart was pounding; he knew he should not be here. But he also needed to be._

_The Vampire, gripping his hand, his touch cold and foreign, pulled Alec to a tent on the far right-hand side of the room and motioned for him to go inside.  
"After you," he said, almost a whisper, as he let go of Alec's hand. Despite himself, Alec missed the contact. He hadn't realised how much his body had ached for physical touch since he had parted from Magnus. _

_He took a gulp and ducked inside, sitting down as gracefully as he could onto the cushions on the floor. There was no sign of the light-haired vampire for a moment and Alec began to feel panic rise up into his throat, thinking he may have been abandoned. But then he appeared a few minutes later, holding an ornately carved dark wooden box. He sat down opposite Alec and placed the box between them. Alec didn't speak. He had suspected what was coming and now he was almost sure of it._

_The Vampire opened the lid to the box as a woman with slightly yellowed skin, the colour of butter, and a small horn on her forehead bent into their tent carrying a tray of two glasses that contained a bubbling blue liquid. She was wearing a tight leather corset and fishnet tights; her dark hair was long though the sides of her head were shaved and she wore heavy black eye make-up to match her thick black lipstick. The Vampire took one of the drinks from the tray without looking up from the box. Then she looked at Alec expectantly and he took the other. As she turned and left, Alec noticed she also had a long barbed tail in black and yellow. A Warlock._

_The Vampire took out a small jar of silver powder and a tiny black spoon from the box. He removed the lid from the jar slowly and carefully, scooped out a little of the powder into the spoon and tipped the contents into Alec's drink, which he was holding close to his chest. Then he repeated the process with his own drink.  
"Cheers," he told Alec with a quirk of his lips before taking a sip._

_Alec downed the liquid from his glass. It tasted of burned sugar and immediately reminded him of Magnus. It had the same taste and fragrance as the Warlock. Alec's mouth went numb and his heart began to pound. He suddenly felt very awake and very far away at the same time.  
The Vampire laughed. A hollow, cold laugh that burned through Alec's senses as the earth dropped out of focus. A blissful feeling flooded through his body, setting him on fire as he fell into a dark oblivion. _

* * *

Jace had barely been back in his room for a few seconds and had just stripped off his black leather gloves, before there was a loud pounding at his door. He opened it to find Isabelle on its threshold, looking thoroughly dishevelled and quite wild. Her eyes were glistening with tears.

"Izzy, it would probably be best if I talk to you about Magnus tomorrow. Needless to say, _I_ was right and you got it all wrong. The man is a mess. But it's late – let's go get breakfast tomorrow and I will tell you all about it."

He really wished he could get some sleep. All that stuff with Alec earlier had completely drained him emotionally. He still didn't know what to think about it all, and couldn't quite believe that Alec went as far as to hurt himself. This was all really messed up and, after his 'talk' with Magnus, he wasn't sure what he could do by himself. He needed to sift through the events in his mind and talk to Isabelle and Clary in the morning. He needed help, but right now he needed to sleep.

"Jace," she choked out, almost a sob. Jace's heart darkened.  
"What is it?" he asked her, his heart rate accelerating.

"Jace, he's gone. Alec isn't in his room…" she was about to cry. Jace noticed she was in gear, clearly already about to leave to find her brother when Jace had arrived back. Alec felt his _parabatai_ rune pulse slightly, though that could just be his own paranoia and fear. He ran his hand over it to find the site a little numb. He was certain that Alec was not in any great amount of physical pain. But if it was numb then what could that mean? Jace wasn't sure his rune was even working after the whole fire incident. He hadn't felt the pain Alec had caused himself through cutting _iratzes_ into his skin.

"We have to find him," he told her, surprised by how sure and secure his voice sounded, because inside he was crumbling. Isabelle held up Alec's steele – the one Jace had confiscated earlier. It was a Lightwood family heirloom and Alec was very fond of it, he always had been. Of course, Jace had to part him from it earlier that day when he had discovered Alec's worrying misappropriation of it, but it would probably work well to track him.

Jace took the steele from Isabelle. It would be better if he performed the rune; as Alec's _parabatai_ their bond meant using tracking runes to find each other was more powerful and therefore more accurate, and with a higher success rate.

He drew the shape carefully on the outside of his fist, gripping Alec's steele tightly, as though the harder he pressed Alec's possession to himself, the easier and quicker it would be to find him. Images flashed into Jace's mind. He wanted to look away from what he saw, but dared not, just in case they would lead him to Alec.

A route formed in his mind, one taken by his _parabatai_ through back alleys and dark side-streets in the city recently and for the first time. He was being led by a dangerous looking Vampire. A grey door appeared in the black gloom and Jace found realisation click into place.

_That's where he is_.

"Come on, let's go. I know where he is," Jace told Isabelle firmly, pulling his gloves back on and striding past her through the door. She sped after him and followed him through the Institute and out onto the dark night-time street.

* * *

"A Downworlder Drugs Den?" Isabelle asked him, her voice shaking with disbelief. "You can't be serious?"  
"Sebastian took me there once. I recognised it during the tracking ritual," Jace explained, not wanting to dwell upon it.

"But – it's Alec! You remember when we stole that whisky from Hodge's liquor cabinet? He wouldn't touch it. He's so straight!"  
Jace raised an eyebrow at her.  
"Oh behave. I meant that he has never even got drunk before, what on earth could he be doing in a _Drugs_ Den?!"

"Why on earth did he carve useless _iratzes_ into his arms? He's looking for pain, Iz. He's looking to punish himself over what happened with Magnus. He could be doing anything and everything at this Drugs Den." Jace's stomach knotted at his own words. They were harsh and made Isabelle flinch, but they were also true. Alec was in a dark place at the moment and after what had happened earlier, Jace wouldn't put anything past him.

"Oh God! Jace we have to hurry! What if he does something stupid?" Isabelle was panicking now, her voice broken and he skin pale with worry. Jace didn't know what to say to her because he was thinking the same thing. He just gave her a reassuring nod and quickened his pace. Izzy seemed to understand because she raced to keep up with him.

They half ran the rest of the way not speaking, concentrating on getting to Alec as quickly as they could.  
Downworlder drugs were highly illegal and highly dangerous. Not only could Alec potentially be in very serious danger, if he was discovered there by the wrong person he could also be stripped of his marks and exiled. Other Nephilim had been punished for less.

They finally arrived at the alleyway with the grey door and Jace knocked hard and urgently. A large man, dressed in a black leather jacket and a plain white t-shirt that bulged over his expansive waistline answered. He spat at their feet.  
"No Nephilim allowed here. Be on your way," he told them flatly. Jace grabbed him by the neck of his t-shirt and pulled him half into the street. The large man gave a yelp of surprise and fell to the pavement in a massive heap, his forehead banging on the concrete. He may have been big, but he was no match for Jace.

The large man hissed at them, a long, forked lizard's tongue escaping from between his lips.

"Our brother is in there, _Ifrit_. We are going in whether you want us to or not," Jace told him. He could feel anger rise within him and struggled to stay calm. He knew that if he didn't, the fire would flow out through his body and he would likely burn down the entire street. He took deep breaths like Jordan had instructed him.

Izzy kicked the Ifrit in the stomach and charged over his body and inside.

"Come on!" she yelled at him and Jace obeyed, following her quickly into the dark building.

"Wait," he told her before she broke down the door to the Den, its heavy bass music escaping out into the corridor. "We don't want to cause alarm, everyone in here is high and we have no idea how they will react. We don't want to put Alec into potentially any more danger."  
Isabelle nodded bleakly at him and allowed him to push in front of her so that his hand was on the knob of the black door that separated them from the Den on the other side.

With a steadying, calming, deep breath, Jace pushed the door open.

No attention was paid to them at first as they walked in slowly, inspecting their surroundings. The room was full of people, but they were all concealed amongst draped tents. They stood there still for a moment, surveying the room, searching for Alec but could not see him.

A female Warlock with light yellow skin wearing tight dark leather approached them, a tray of empty glasses balanced in her right hand and her left hand resting on her small hip.  
"You guys need a spot to sit down and a drink? Or do you have an appointment upstairs?" she asked them. She actually sounded fairly friendly.

"We're looking for our brother," Isabelle cut in, her voice loud, trying to sound above the music and coming across as desperate and completely unstable. The Warlock flinched, fear piercing her eyes. She dropped the tray and the glasses smashed into tiny shards as they hit the floor; and she tried to bolt away from them. Jace caught her by her long hair and pulled her backwards. She fell to the ground with a thump, though she didn't make any other sound. Not a single person peered from behind the drapes at the scene.

Isabelle picked her up and held her firmly by her upper arm. "Tell us where he is," she demanded through gritted teeth. The Warlock's lips quivered and she drew in a small sob, clearly frightened. She pointed a shaking finger over to purple and red drapes in the far right corner of the room and Isabelle unhanded her roughly and stalked over.

"Jace! Help!" she screamed and he ran to her.

She was holding up the drape and sprawled out across the cushions that were concealed behind them was Alec, his face flushed and his chest rising and falling frantically. Sweat glistened on his pale skin and made his black hair slick and wet. He was wearing a black t-shirt that clung to the curves of his torso with perspiration and dark jeans that were unbuttoned at the top of the fly; he didn't look like he had any weapons on him.

Izzy dropped to her knees beside him and held her hand to his face. She drew her hand back sharply and gasped.

"What's wrong?" Jace asked her as he kneeled down too.  
"He's scorching hot," she said as she pulled a little at the drape that surrounded them and patted Alec's brow with it. He moved a little and moaned at the touch, trying to pull away. It was like he didn't even know they were there.

"We have to get him out of here," Jace told her firmly.

"We're going to have to carry him all the way back and I'm not sure we could manage without being seen, Jace. It doesn't look like he can stand." Isabelle was white with shock, though not as white as Alec, who looked unspeakably ill.

"Stay here. Put glamours on the both of you and be ready to leave," he told her, and he leapt to his feet and strode out from the room. The yellow Warlock was cowering in a corner, but he ignored her and strode right past and out into the corridor. The large Ifrit was just inside the outer doorway, holding a white handkerchief to his bleeding forehead.

"We need transport," Jace announced. The large man stared at him, a horrified expression on his face.

"H-h-h- here," he said, handing Jace a set of keys. "My car is parked at the bottom of the street – dark green Chevy."  
Jace took the keys silently and went to retrieve the car.

As he approached the parked vehicle, no doubt belonging to the Ifrit as it had a small, red cartoon devil hanging from the mirror, he noticed his reflection in the dark windows. He was glowing again. No wonder the Ifrit looked so scared. That and the fact that Jace had injured him to get into the Den.

He unlocked the door and jumped inside quickly; looking around up and down the street to check no one was observing him and fired up the ignition. Jace turned the car around and reversed it up the alleyway. The large Ifrit, who had been standing on the corner of the dark side street, had to jump out of the car's way as it speeded down.

Jace gazed down at his hands as he strode back inside the den. He was still glowing furiously; and he would need to calm down fast, otherwise he wouldn't be able to touch Alec and pull his _parabatai_ out of there. He took slow deep breaths and tried to imagine himself walking through a training drill within the dark circles that outlined the training room floor at the Institute. Although his skin still glowed, he soon felt sufficiently calm about not burning the entire place down.

"How is he?" he asked Isabelle, sounding slightly strangled as he looked upon Alec once more. He looked even paler now and was rolling his head around on top of Isabelle's lap, murmuring incoherently.

"I think he's got worse," she sighed.

They managed to manoeuvre Alec out of the tangle of drapes and through the room with difficulty. He was barely conscious and unable to support his own weight, but was also wriggling as if he was dreaming. They hadn't even made it as far as the door when Alec threw up, his face going scarily white as vomit mixed with blood flowed from his mouth. Luckily, he managed to miss Jace's shoes.

Jace bundled him up into his arms and carried him like he was a child.

"You are going to really owe me for this," he whispered into his _parabatai_'s ear as Alec snuggled his head into Jace's chest.

Jace drove furiously back to the Institute, with Isabelle caring for Alec in the back seat. The fire in his body was getting harder to control and he could feel how hot he was making the steering wheel where he gripped it. Alec was moaning and some of the noises he was producing actually started sounding a little like real words.

"Magnus…" he repeated the Warlock's name over and over.

"No… Don't… Please… Help…"

"Maybe we should call him Jace…" Isabelle suggested as she stroked Alec's hair, trying to comfort him.  
"Who?"  
"Who do you think?"  
"I am not calling the Warlock, Izzy. I think he's done enough damage as it is."

"But Jace, we can't tell Mum or Dad about this or the rest of the Clave. Alec could get into a lot of trouble."  
"We won't need to. He should be able to sleep it off."

They stayed at his bedside all night, taking it in turns to watch him sleep. But this is what family did – they watched out for each other, even when one of them did something stupid.

_Really stupid._

* * *

_Alec felt cold hands touching him and his eyes fluttered open to see Magnus' face looking down into his eyes. So familiar and wonderful. The Warlock bent down and kissed him, but he felt and tasted wrong. Unlike Magnus' usual warm kiss, this one was cold. And although it still tasted of burned sugar, like Magnus did, these lips were laced with something else too. Something that tasted poisonous._

_He tried to get free, but strong hands pinned him there. He tried to call out, but no sound escaped his lips. And then he noticed that Magnus' distinctive eyes, the eyes he loved so much, were different; a pale, silvery blue instead of their usual warming green-gold. He struggled with a greater determination but was still unable to get free._

_A sharp pain shot through his right arm and he looked down at it in surprise. The fake Magnus was pushing something into a vein in his arm through a long, fine silver syringe._

_Alec's body became instantly numb. It felt amazing – he was totally paralysed but every sensation was heightened and incredible. He now saw it wasn't Magnus, but the Vampire he had come here with.  
_

_And then blackness washed over him._

* * *

At around 4am Alec woke up on Jace's watch.  
"Magnus?" he whispered into the darkness.  
"No, just me," yawned Jace wearily.  
"What happened?" Alec asked him timidly, trying to sit up and failing.  
"Don't try to get up, you need to rest as much as you can because if anyone even suspects you've been dabbling in Warlock drugs they will exile and curse you. Hopefully you won't look completely drugged up in the morning, otherwise I have no idea what we are going to tell your mother." Jace's tone came out a little harsher than he had intended. He was angry at Alec's stupidity and total disregard for his wellbeing, but he also felt sympathetic and wanted nothing more than to hug Alec and tell him it would be alright. Only war was coming, and Jace knew everything wouldn't be alright.

"Jace… What happened?" he repeated.  
"Well firstly I had to deal with Isabelle who was utterly distraught at your disappearance after we found out what you had done to your arms earlier. And then we had to track you to make sure you weren't in danger. And then we almost got into a fight at the Drugs Den. And then we found you, half dead. And then you threw up and I swear a bit splashed in my face. And then I stole a car to get you back here. That how you remember it too?"

"I am so so sorry…" Alec told him, his voice a bitter, hoarse whisper. Alec held his head in his hands and Jace could tell he was crying from the way his shoulders moved.

"I don't remember any of that," he said suddenly, his eyes were red and puffy and his face was wet, though now a little of its colour had returned. "I just remember having a drink with the Vampire and then I had a dream that I was with Magnus, but when I woke up I was kissing him, not Magnus and then I remember trying to leave but I couldn't stand up. And I couldn't find my weapons…"  
"You were with a Vampire and you kissed him? Bloody hell."

Alec looked at Jace sadly.

"Tell me what I have to do, Alec. Tell me what I can do to make you wake up and stop wallowing in self-pity. _Magnus doesn't want to be with you_. When will you realise that?"  
He hadn't really meant that but was so angry he couldn't help saying it.

Alec slumped his head back down into his hands and Jace decided he had better leave before he said anything else he may regret.

"By the way I saw him tonight."  
Alec looked up, hope shimmering in his blue eyes that looked paler tonight.  
"He laughed at you for pining around him like a little lost puppy. I would have punched him in the face if I hadn't known it was true. Everyone is inclined to agree with him – you are acting like a nut job."

Alec started to scramble out of bed but was too weak.

"Jace – what else did he say? What did you talk about? Please tell me."  
"Alec, you stink of desperation, vomit and drugs. I won't tell the Clave about tonight because you are my brother, but don't force my hand. I would rather you safe, alive and exiled in disgrace than dead. And that's the way you're going." Alec's shocked expression was too much for him. He strode out of the room and slammed the door behind him. He felt his heart almost break as he heard the sobs coming from Alec's room.


	4. Chapter 4

**WARNING: This chapter contains spoilers for TID Clockwork Princess. If you care about that sort of thing then please do not continue reading!**  
**I will strive to explain what has happened in the next chapter for those who want to skip this one.**

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Alec stared at his reflection in the long, dark window. He had always been pale, but he looked too faded and white now, like someone had tried to erase him away. How had he come to this? In not very long at all he had gone from Alexander Lightwood: Shadowhunter, good son, big brother and best friend; to Alexander Lightwood: lover, fighter and involved with raising both greater demons and angels in the same week. Now though, he was Alexander Lightwood: empty shell and a poor excuse for a living creature.

His head was pounding, probably a result of last night. It had been a truly stupid thing to do, but he also couldn't help feeling that it had helped somewhat. For the briefest of moments he had not felt unhappy. He couldn't honestly say that he felt happy as such, because he didn't. He wasn't sure if he would ever feel happy again for as long as he lived. But he had not felt like his entire insides were being eaten away for the first time since Magnus had ended their relationship.

He missed him so much.

_You don't know what you've got until it's gone_.

To say that he regretted his actions was a serious understatement. He felt like ripping his own eyes out every time he thought about what he had done to Magnus; how he had betrayed this person he loved.

Alec set his face firmly, willing his reflection to not look sea-sick. He had to get over Magnus and soon. Even Jace had tried to talk to the Warlock on Alec's behalf, but he had not been able to move Magnus on his decision to not be with him. There was definitely no hope left now. Not even a small flicker that Magnus may change his mind and forgive Alec.

He shut his eyes tightly and tried to picture Magnus; his ex-lover's face had haunted him since he had been separated from him. But instead he got a flash of last night and he shuddered at the memory.

_He lay there paralysed and feeling blissfully calm as the Vampire kissed him deeply. He had never been kissed like this by anyone but Magnus and he felt happy and sad all at the same time; happy because it felt incredible, like he was floating in ecstasy, but sad because this wasn't Magnus. It felt so good though. He felt like he was letting go and being washed away with a warm tide. His eyes felt heavy now though and he closed them, not wanting to fight the urge to sleep. The Vampire opened the buttons on his fly and he opened his eyes with a struggle; but the darkness was too powerful. He didn't really want to stay awake anyway and witness his shameful behaviour. He closed his eyes once more, giving in to the urge to sleep._

He couldn't believe he had ended up kissing that Vampire. Maybe he had even done more than kiss him but hadn't realised. Even if he couldn't remember exactly what had happened, he still felt like he had done something awful. He _had_ done something awful – he had been seduced into taking illegal drugs and putting himself into unnecessary danger. But as for kissing the Vampire, he hadn't really done anything wrong. He wasn't in a relationship; he could kiss anyone he wanted to.

With that he pulled on a leather jacket he had found hanging up in his closet. It was probably one of Jace's that he had borrowed ages ago and had forgotten to give back. He wore an old pair of jeans that had previously been neglected because he had accidently got the wrong size and they were too small for him, but he had lost a lot of weight recently and he could fit them on now though they clung tightly to his legs and hips. A pale blue collared shirt completed his outfit. This had been a present from Isabelle years ago that he had never worn because he had never felt there was occasion. But tonight he wanted to get dressed up. It was vain, he knew, but it felt necessary, like it was a kind of armour.

He slinked carefully and silently out of the Institute and into the cold night air, pulling his blue scarf against the wind. Magnus had given him the scarf and he had never bothered to give it back. And he was never going to. It was his now and the Warlock couldn't have it.  
Alec felt triumph rise up within him. It was absurd, he knew, but he felt like it was a small victory over the power Magnus still held over him.

He didn't wander down the dark city streets for long before he felt he was being followed again. Alec stopped abruptly and took a long breath.

"Following me again, Vampire?" he asked to the night air, though this time he was not surprised or angry; he had expected this, counted on it even. And suddenly, there he was again, standing on Alec's right and holding out his hand in invitation. Alec took it and they walked silently together down the deserted sidewalks.

Eventually they arrived at their destination. Alec knew from the set-up and the music blearing from inside that this was some sort of nightclub. He felt the cold excitement that had been there the night before re-surface as they strode past the Security Guards dressed in thick, long black coats and walked inside.

The club was mostly inhabited by other Vampires, with the occasional Fairy or Warlock dotted here and there. The music was loud. So loud, in fact, that it felt like it was blocking out every single one of Alec's thoughts. And that was good. He needed to forget Magnus and this was somewhere he could do that easily.

The music filled him up and made him feel whole again. The Vampire pressed himself up to Alec, moving and swaying to the beat of the music. Alec tried to match his rhythm but couldn't help feeling really awkward and stupid. He could swear he was blushing.

The Vampire smiled at him and pulled a small vial of liquid that seemed to gleam like very shiny metal from his pocket. The Vampire tipped the vial upside down onto the tip of his finger so that a small bubble remained there like a silvery tear drop. He held his finger to Alec's lips suggestively.

Alec opened his mouth and the Vampire slid in his finger slowly, letting him taste the liquid and skin. The taste was strange; the liquid like sour wine and sickening sweetness all mixed together with a more subtle, smoky taste of the Vampire's bare skin beneath that. Alec felt suddenly light and wonderful. He could actually feel his grief slipping away from him and disappearing with a puff before his eyes.

The Vampire's cold lips were on his again and then trailed along his jaw and onto his neck; Alec leaned into the touch, closing his eyes and feeling only sensation as the Vampire's fangs penetrated his skin. It felt good and he didn't pull away; it was the least he could do.

* * *

Magnus scratched behind Chairman Meow's ears absent-mindedly. He was watching re-runs of _Gossip Girl_ on the large flat screen TV that now occupied nearly an entire wall in his apartment. But he wasn't really paying attention. He hadn't been able to focus on anything since he had called off his relationship with Alec.

_Ouch._

His heart stung every time he thought about him. Magnus let out a long sigh and woke up the cat, who stood up on his lap, stretched dramatically and then jumped down and sauntered off towards the kitchen. He wasn't even good company for the cat.

He had felt betrayed by Alec and he had to call it off. The man he loved more than anyone in the world had actively gone out to seek a way of taking away his immortality. It was inexcusable and he couldn't just forgive the Shadowhunter for that.

But now Magnus wasn't so sure. He hadn't realised how thoroughly miserable being without Alec would have made him. Of course, at first he had been so furious with him that he didn't think about it, but then the sadness and regret had filtered in like water through cracks in a hard surface. For the first time in a long while Magnus felt lost. He didn't know what he was supposed to do with himself now Alec was gone; everything seemed utterly pointless. There was no reason to work through the Book of White anymore because there was no secret in there that appealed to him now Alec was no longer in his life.

What had he done before Alec? He couldn't even remember. He just used to work and throw parties a lot. But he didn't feel like doing either of those.

His stomach gave a small rumble. He would just get some left-over pizza from the night before, there was no point making any more of an effort than that. He had tidied up a little though and had a shower last night following his visit from Jace, who had told him quite bluntly that he should be ashamed of the state of himself and his apartment. He had let things go a bit.  
What a vindictive, arrogant, infuriating little shit he was. Coming over to Magnus' loft and _threatening_ him to leave Alec alone. He _was_ leaving Alec alone. It wasn't Magnus' fault that Alec kept calling him and hanging up. He would stop him if he could.

In fact, Alec hadn't tried calling him for an entire twenty four hours now. And he missed it. Despite himself, Magnus looked forward to every single one of Alec's missed calls. He would answer and say, "Hello?" knowing full well who it was on the other end. Of course, Alec never said anything back, but sometimes there was a slight pause and he could hear his light breathing from the other end of the line. He knew he shouldn't even be answering, but it had been oddly comforting. Besides, Magnus had tried to stop answering and then Alec started calling from a different number. He felt he knew the Shadowhunter well enough to know that he couldn't stop the phone calls completely, but that all he could do was to feign cold indifference as best he could.

He really hoped Alec would be ok. He was worried that Alec was starting to go a bit crazy and obsessive, with trying to contact him constantly but too afraid to actually speak. It was a bit stalker-ish, but Magnus had to admit that he hadn't expected that reaction and he was enjoying the attention, though he knew he shouldn't. But he would be here when Alec wanted to have a proper conversation with him; once he had calmed down a bit and wasn't quite as angry with the Shadowhunter.

Magnus' heart sank when he checked his phone. No missed calls or messages. Maybe Alec was moving on after all. That made Magnus sad beyond belief. Did he really not want to be with Alec? It was starting to seem too drastic.

Without really thinking he called a number, suddenly desperate to hear the sound of another voice.

"Hello? Magnus?"

"Hi Tessa, how are you?"

"Fine thank you. And how are you?"

"Me and Alec broke up." He didn't know how or why he said it just like that, but the realisation of his words pained him immeasurably. He found himself staggering and swooning slightly.

"Oh no, how terrible! What happened? Are you ok?"  
"I'm fine. Although little Jace visited me yesterday and gave me a stern talking to about leaving Alec alone."  
She gave a short laugh. "He really is like Will." Her voice was tinged with an old sadness, but she was also right. Although Alec certainly looked a little like Will Herondale, it was his actual ancestor, Jace, who had inherited his personality and temperament. Alec's family were descended from Will's sister Cecily and there was much more of the Lightwood family traits about them than anything else.

"Only cleaner. He doesn't have Will's artistic messiness and doesn't really appreciate my organised chaos."

"So tell me what happened."  
"I'm not sure I want to talk about it…"  
"Oh come on, Magnus. Why else would you be calling?"

He explained the story as briefly as he could, the memory was painful and he didn't want to risk dwelling on it for too long.

"So he was having an affair with Camille behind your back?!"  
"No! Of course not, it wasn't like that at all."  
"Then what exactly did he do wrong? I'm confused…"  
"He was meeting with her secretly so he could ask her questions about me. And she told him about the spell from the Book of the White to take away my immortality. He _claims_ he didn't intend to go through with any spell…"

"But weren't you looking at doing it anyway?"  
"Yes, well, that's not the point."

"Well maybe if you had told him how you felt and about him, how you wanted to take away your immortality to be with him, he wouldn't have run off to Camille. And you can't blame him for being curious about you. You're hardly forthcoming."

"It still doesn't change the fact that he betrayed my trust."

His own harsh words hurt him like a knife wound to the chest and Magnus flinched at them. Tessa paused, considering for a moment.

"Nonsense. He didn't betray you Magnus. He made a mistake, true, but he is young and we have all made mistakes in our time. Magnus," Tessa said sternly. "He is only eighteen. I don't think he realised what he was doing or how hurt you would be. I honestly don't believe he wanted to cause you any pain or betray you in any way.

"Youth is not an excuse for how he behaved."

"I am not saying it is – you are very old indeed and you make plenty of mistakes."

"You have always had a way with words Tessa."

"My point is that you have lived for a long time and you believe yourself to have fallen in love on a few occasions. But this is the first time you have wanted to become mortal for someone. Love is precious Magnus, and now you know how it feels to truly love someone and be loved by them in return you simply mustn't just let it escape."

Magnus shifted uncomfortably. He knew she was right.

"And if I could have followed Will to the grave I would have. Losing him is my greatest pain because I couldn't follow where he was going."

"I wonder, Tessa, would you have taken away your immortality if you could have?"

"Of course," she answered immediately, without hesitation. "Losing someone is hard, Magnus, but having to endure a lifetime without them is the hardest thing of all. Real love is being able to watch someone die, but it is cruelty itself to watch them die when you know you never will. You have that choice. Please choose love and not hate."

She sounded close to tears. He hadn't heard her be this upset for a very long time, though they hadn't been that close for a great many years now. Despite this, Tessa was one of those friends that you could go for years without speaking to and when you spoke to them it was like no time had passed at all. He felt sad for her; and maybe sad for himself too. Magnus felt tears welling in his eyes.

"This is so stupid! Just listen to the two of us, being so morbid and wallowing in self-pity!" Magnus exclaimed.  
Tessa gave a little sniff. "I know it is a little silly to still get upset after all these years, but it just never gets any easier."

He paused, wondering whether to tell her what was really bothering him.

"Magnus? Are you still there?"  
"Yes, I'm still here. Tessa, I wanted to ask you…"  
"Yes?"

"You said that if you could have taken away your immortality for Will you would have."

"I'd have given everything to be able to grow old with him Magnus."  
"If you had known that you were immortal before you met him then do you think you would have let yourself fall in love?"

"Well I didn't really have a choice. You knew Will, Magnus, one couldn't help but love him. Love chose me and I couldn't have stopped it if I had wanted to. In fact, I _had_ wanted to stop it a great many times, but simply couldn't. And I would not give up a single moment I spent with him for the world. He is in my past now and I am sad that my future must be without him. But it doesn't have to be like that for you."  
"What if it doesn't work? What if I can't take it away?" he asked. His voice sounded small, weak, almost child-like.

"That doesn't mean you should push him away from you."  
"He pushed himself away. If I can't be anything but immortal I fear that we won't survive."  
"Exactly. You're afraid."

With that his phone started beeping; he had a call coming through on his other line, though he completely intended to ignore it.

"I'm terrified actually," he told her with a sigh. "And I don't know what to do."  
"Well I assume you may actually listen to my advice seeing as you called me?"  
Magnus let out a huff. "Go on then."  
"Talk to him. I'm not saying that you two need to get back together, but you definitely need to speak to him and let him know what you feel. _Everything_ you feel, Magnus, not just the bits you want him to hear. Because he deserves to know the truth. The entire truth about you."  
"Thank you Tessa. I really needed someone to talk to this evening. Maybe you could come along to my next party? I haven't seen you in a while."  
"We shall see, dear Magnus! You take care, now. You will be in my thoughts. Both of you will be."  
"Good evening Tessa, I'll speak to you soon."

With that he hung up and smoothed a hand through his hair. Tessa was right, of course, he needed to speak to Alec again. He couldn't just leave it as it was, hanging on what had been said in that old subway tunnel.

He felt his phone vibrate and his heart gave a flutter.

_Maybe it is him_.

He checked out the screen to see it wasn't Alec calling, but his sister Isabelle. He had always liked Isabelle, but got the impression that she absolutely detested him now, since he had broken up with her brother. She had called him up when it had first happened to try and reason with him and Magnus had reacted quite badly and been very rude to her.

He briefly thought about ignoring it but decided to answer.

"Isabelle."  
"Oh, hi Magnus… Wasn't sure you'd answer or not." She sounded nervous.  
"What is it?" he asked, sounding rather harsh.  
"Is Alec with you?"  
He paused. No, Alec wasn't with him; it was probably the last place on earth he would be.

"Of course he isn't with me. Why?"  
"Just can't find him. Thanks, I have to go…"  
"Isabelle, wait."  
She had tried to sound breezy but he recognised the tone of panic on her voice. His stomach was doing flips. It was not like Alec to make his sister worry about him and he knew something was wrong.  
"What's going on? What do you mean you can't find him?"

"Look Magnus, it was a mistake for me to call you. Sorry. But I have to go now."  
"Did you try a tracking rune?"  
"Yes, we tried that," she sighed.  
"But you still can't find him?" Magnus was trying to bite down the panic that was brewing in the pit of his stomach.  
"This really is none of your business _Warlock_." She told him as she hung up.

This didn't sound good.

* * *

Alec was sprawled out across a soft leather seat of a booth, still buzzing from the dancing. His Vampire acquaintance was pouring some more silver powder into his drink, though not as much as he had used at the Den the previous evening. That was probably for the best – he didn't remember too much of it.

He took a sip. It made the drink taste inexplicably sweet; with the caramel-like tang of burnt sugar that he had come to know was the taste of magic.

Whatever that silver liquid had been on the dance floor, it had made him feel completely wonderful. But now he was tired from all the dancing and he felt drained. He instinctively moved his hand to the puncture marks on his neck.

_Not really a surprise I feel so exhausted_.

He knew the silver powder would allow him to calm down again, let him dream without pain. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help feeling that he needed this. He had always been such a good boy and that had got him absolutely nowhere. He was alone, boyfriend-less, Isabelle and Jace were completely pissed off with him, and he was probably going to die soon anyway. Sebastian and war were on their way and Alec had been so concerned with shutting himself away from the world he hadn't been training properly.

_At least if I fall in battle it will be an honourable death._

The Vampire smoothed his hand down Alec's calf gently. He could even feel the cold of his skin through jeans. This Vampire had been so good to him, the least he could do was oblige and let the creature have its fun. He had let it feed and was quite prepared to let him do anything he wanted in return for the drugs he had showered upon Alec.

The thought was terrible, but true.

But as he allowed the Vampire to climb on top of him and kiss him again, Alec had to admit that it really wasn't all that bad. If he closed his eyes he could pretend he was with Magnus.


	5. Chapter 5

"Where have you been?"  
Alec very nearly jumped out of his skin. He hadn't expected anyone to be lurking in his room.

"Jace," he breathed in relief as he saw it was his _parabatai_, who was sitting on the edge of his bed, stooped over examining one of Alec's throwing knives.

"Did I surprise you?"

"Yes – I wasn't expecting you…"  
"To be waiting up?" Jace cut in.

Alec noticed then his face was thunderously angry, even though the Heavenly Fire within his body made him glow angelically, Alec could tell that he was extremely pissed off. Alec felt the need to lie about his whereabouts. In reality, he had been at a Downworlder nightclub, dancing the night away and sampling various Fairy drugs that made him feel alive and energetic. He'd finished the night with peaceful dreams and Warlock drugs, to calm him down and relax him before he got back to the Institute. The Vampire who had taken him to the Warlock Drugs Den the night before had accompanied him and Alec felt like he had had a pretty good time…

"It is 5am Alec – I have waited up for you all night. So tell me where you've been." Jace placed the throwing knife carefully on the bedside table.

"I just went out."  
"Who with?"  
"Just by myself."  
"And where did you go?"

"Just to a club…"  
"Which club?"  
Alec sighed. "Does it matter?" Alec asked wearily.

At that, Jace jumped to his feet and stalked up to Alec, squaring up to him.

"Do you have _any_ idea how worried we've been?" Jace spoke steadily, though his fake calmness was easy to detect.

Alec patted Jace on the shoulder.  
"Calm down! Just chill out…"  
"Are you _high_ again?" Jace looked at him, his angelic face twisted in disgust. He stepped forward, so close he was almost touching Alec and he leaned over and sniffed at him. Alec couldn't suppress a giggle.

"You stink of drugs, booze and sex. What the hell!" Jace pushed him firmly away from him and Alec staggered backwards. Jace was really angry now. He was glowing very brightly.

"You look pretty when you're angry." Alec observed, a smile spreading over his face. He knew that he really shouldn't be antagonising Jace but he couldn't help it. Jace made a retching sound at the back of his throat and strode purposefully to Alec's door in long strides. He turned and face Alec at the doorway and pointed menacingly at him.  
"This is _not_ funny. We will be having words in the morning and I don't care how hungover you are." Jace's voice was shaking with anger and he slammed the door hard as he left, making the frame and wall surrounding it quiver.

Alec felt so tired that he fell on top of his bed and passed into another wonderful dream.

_He and Magnus were stood on a hill, overlooking Alicante, holding hands and very much happy and in love. Magnus held out his hand in front of them and admired it – he was wearing the Lightwood family ring. Alec held him close and kissed him lovingly.  
"I love you Alexander. And now we can be together forever," Magnus told him, his beautiful gold-green eyes glinting in the clear sunlight._

_"Yes, forever," Alec sighed as he melted into the other man's arms. He felt so happy and light that he could have stayed on the hill with Magnus for eternity._

* * *

He paced up and down outside Alec's doorway for a good twenty minutes, trying to calm himself down. It was breaking his heart to see Alec like this. This was not him. It was like the real Alec had been replaced by an imposter. Jace shuddered at his own memories; the irony was not wasted on him. This was something he could relate to; except it was Magnus who had done this to Alec, not Sebastian or some other great evil. But maybe Magnus was evil. Thoughts started to swim in Jace's mind about how he would get away with justifying the killing of the Warlock to the Clave.

_Ok, maybe that is a stupid idea_.

He wanted to hurt Magnus for hurting Alec, but he knew he wouldn't.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't want to tell Izzy about Alec taking drugs for the second night in a row, but he knew he would have to. Isabelle had given up and gone to bed about an hour before Alec walked in. He should go to her now because she wouldn't be asleep, he knew, too worried about her brother. He wanted to speak to Clary too. She would know what to do; she was really good with these sorts of things. But it was gone five o'clock in the morning – both far too late and far too early, depending on how you looked at it, to wake her yet.

Just then, Isabelle appeared at the other end of the corridor. She was wearing the small pink shorts that she often slept in, grey socks and a thickly knitted green-grey jumper. Her hair hung loose and wild and she was hugging her arms around herself. For a moment, she looked like she had when they were younger, but on closer inspection she looked drawn and worried, which really wasn't surprising given the circumstances.

"I just couldn't sleep," she told him in resignation.

"Izzy, he's back."

Isabelle started, her dark eyes wide with surprise. "Where is he?!" she said as she instinctively moved towards her brother's door. Jace stepped to the side, blocking her way.  
"He's in his room sleeping. But trust me; you don't want to see him. He's high again and he's sleeping it off."  
Isabelle's face darkened. Jace knew she would be angry and he was sworn under a sacred oath to protect Alec's life. Even from his own sister.

"I'm going to kill him," she snarled determinedly.

"And that is exactly why you shouldn't see him right now. Believe me, I almost killed him myself."

She flung her arms in the air in exasperation and paced away from the door.  
"Why is he doing this?!" she strangled out, her eyes glistening with tears. "He's risking everything! If the Clave finds out he will be in _serious_ trouble. And oh my god! What if he ODs?!"  
She was flailing a little now.

"Ok, calm down," he told her reassuringly, grabbing her arms and holding her steady. "The Clave won't find out because we are going to stop it. As for him OD-ing I am sure that being Nephilim will go part of the way with protecting him from that sort of thing. To be honest, I am more worried about him becoming addicted. Warlock drugs are nasty with long-term use and any high doses can cause dependency."

Isabelle gulped. She clearly hadn't thought about the addiction side of things and Jace inwardly berated himself for saying anything and frightening her.

"Jace, I'm so scared," she whispered. He held her close to him in the most protective hug he could muster. He was feeling fairly terrified himself so he tried to be strong and not shake as he held her to him.

"Did you figure out why the tracking rune didn't work?" she asked him.  
"I didn't get round to asking him… I was too angry." Jace was ashamed of himself; he had intended to help his _parabatai_, not almost punch him in the face.  
"What are we going to do?" Izzy sighed.  
"I don't know, but we have to try and get through to him."

* * *

Magnus just couldn't sleep. It probably had something to do with the fact that he had barely left his apartment for a good few nights now and so had a lot of restless energy pent up. In fact, the last time he had actually gone outside had been the night he followed Alec.

_ Alec_.

Isabelle hadn't been able to find him and had called Magnus in a panic, thinking Alec was with him. And now Magnus was worried. He didn't want to be, but he was. Despite trying to distance himself from Alec, the Shadowhunter had occupied nearly every waking thought he'd had; and most of his dreams too.

He didn't want to miss Alec, but he did – desperately. Maybe he would help Isabelle and Jace out and find Alec for them. He didn't have to go rushing into Alec's arms; he would just inform his family about his location.

With an avid determination Magnus got up out of bed. Chairman Meow, who was snoozing next to his feet looked up briefly through half-lidded bleary eyes but then drooped his head and went back to sleep.

He went to the sitting area and conjured up the ingredients he needed for the tracking spell. Unlike when Nephilim used a tracking rune you didn't necessarily need an object of the person you intended to find, but you did need to have an object that still had a trace of them on it. Magnus wracked his brains, trying to think of what he could use.

A thought hit him.

He didn't need an object associated with Alec, because the one thing in his home that had the biggest connection to the Shadowhunter was him. He took a deep breath and began the spell, willing for it to work. It was a kind of test, he supposed, because although he knew it was possible to perform the spell using another person as the tracing object he had never used it like this before.

Magnus' mind spun as an image of Alec rose up in front of him. Magnus gasped in shock. He was in the Institute, which he supposed was a good thing because he had obviously had gone home now and his family wouldn't be worried about him, but he looked different. He was sleeping, curled up on his bed and shaking uncontrollably. He was unconscious and still fully clothed and he looked so much smaller, his usually defined and muscular frame now looked flat and bony.

Although he looked as beautiful as always, he definitely looked ill. His complexion was usually very pale, but Magnus had not seen him _this_ pale since that night he had rushed to the Institute to save him from Greater Demon poison; the night Alec had almost died and Magnus had realised that he had fallen head over heels for him. The memory almost choked him.

The Warlock reached out to try and comfort him, but it was an image in his mind; Alec was in his bed at the Institute, not there in his loft with him.

_Where he should be._

He pushed the thought away and took a step back. He hadn't realised the effect of seeing Alec would have on him. All he wanted to do was rush to his side and make sure he was ok. Maybe he needed Magnus because he was really ill again. He certainly looked ill. But then, Jace and Isabelle would contact him if Alec was in danger, surely. Wouldn't they?

_Of course they would_.

Magnus turned his back on the image, no longer wanting to see Alec looking like that and slumped down in a wing back chair. He wouldn't go to Alec; it would likely be too painful for the both of them. And if Alec really was sick then he was sure the Lightwoods would take care of him. But Magnus couldn't shake the feeling that Alec needed him.

He dialled Alec's number but it went straight to voicemail. He was about to put the phone down – he hated answerphones – but thought better of it and started talking.

"Hi Alec it's Magnus. I just wanted to check if you are ok. And…" he paused for a long time before the words came tumbling out from him and he was unable to control them.  
"I love you. And I just thought you should know that. That I still love you. And I'm so sorry for the other night in the Subway. We definitely need to talk again. Give me a call when you get this and we can arrange to meet for some coffee, ok? The Chairman misses you by the way."

He slapped his palm to his face. "The Chairman misses you"? What the hell was that?!

"Anyway, I have to go now. So, um, bye… And I will speak to you soon?" He hung up, leaving his message as a question. He let out a huge sigh, which quickly turned into a yawn. The sun was coming up now and the first rays of dawn were filtering through his window.

That message had been a little stupid and he felt a tiny pang of regret for leaving it. But he did mean everything he had said and he definitely needed to talk to Alec once more; he had to try and sort all of this out. Perhaps they wouldn't be able to make up, but they couldn't just leave their relationship in a deserted subway tunnel underneath New York City.

* * *

Alec awoke, startled. That dream had been horrible; blood everywhere and the stench of death and demons all around him. He had been trying to find Magnus, running through the streets of Alicante, which he found in his dream-state resembled the streets from the various places they had visited on their vacation too. The cobbled stones were slick with blood and he slipped as he ran. He eventually found Magnus, holding his witchlight stone and making it glow in colourful prisms like he had done that night in the Subway. Alec tried to rush to him but Magnus had stopped him by casting a spell and sending him flying backwards into the sword of the Statue of the Angel Raziel that was, in the waking world, usually located in the New York Institute. The sword pierced through his back and right through to his chest and his own blood welled around him. It was agony, but he also felt numbed and empty, as if the wound was not about to kill him but merely served to pin him where he fell. In reality, of course, it would have.

The Warlock had then walked over to him and Alec noticed that his eyes were wrong. They were a glassy, pale blue that chilled him to his core, not the beautiful and warm gold-green cat eyes that had been one of the first things he had noticed about the other man.

As Magnus got closer he melted into the Vampire Alec had met two nights ago, who had taken him first to the Ifrit Drugs Den and then to the Downworld nightclub. The Vampire knelt in front of him and then pounced, sinking his teeth into Alec's neck and draining him of his blood. Alec felt lightheaded and tried to pull away, but as he caught sight of the Vampire it started melting away once more into the shape of Abadon the Greater Demon who had almost killed Alec with its poison when they had tried to rescue the Mortal Cup.

It was terrifying.

Alec looked around for a weapon, but instead caught sight of himself in a reflection of a shop window. And he realised then that he wasn't him, Alec Lightwood, but Magnus Bane. The demon that was feasting on him transformed once more and Alec found himself staring at his own face, as if it were his reflection in his bathroom mirror. But it continued to feed on him. On Magnus. And then, thankfully, he had woken up.

His head was pounding and he was sticky and wet with perspiration. His heart was beating like it was trying to explode from his chest. A wave of nausea hit him and he managed to turn his body and angle his head so that he threw up on the floor rather than on his bed. He could remember that dream in vivid detail and it reminded him of a dream Magnus had told him about, where the Warlock had seen blood and bones and death in his sleep.

He felt like his entire body was on fire. The pain was horrific and he couldn't stifle a scream. He held himself, clutching at his body, though nothing was helping; he felt too dizzy and weak to stand and try to walk it off.

A few moments later Jace came bounding into his room. His hand was clutched just over his heart where his _parabatai _rune was located. He looked awful. For Jace.

"By the Angel are you ok?!" he yelled as he ran to Alec. He briefly glanced at the vomit on the floor, but didn't really take much notice of it. He looked awkward, not knowing what to do or say. Alec looked at him blankly.  
"Alec, are you ok?!" he shouted. Alec shook his head. He really wasn't ok. He was shivering and felt deathly cold all over.

"I feel sick…" Alec managed to get out as nausea rose up inside him once again. Jace acted as fast as lightening, grabbing Alec's empty small steel bin and holding it up so he could use it. It was marginally better and less embarrassing than throwing up on the floor.

As Alec retched up mostly bile, for he hadn't really eaten anything the past few days, Jace held onto the bin, steadying it. He placed a hand on the top of Alec's back reassuringly and took out his phone from his pocket.

"Isabelle – I'm in Alec's room and can't leave him. Come quickly."

It didn't take long for her to arrive, wild panic in her eyes. She rushed over to the bed and hopped on, kneeling the other side of him and holding him as he was sick.

Neither of them spoke; they just held on to him and took care of him.

Once there really wasn't anything left to bring up, Alec fell backwards, exhausted. Jace got up quickly and went to the bathroom, obviously attempting to clean up the mess. Isabelle was stroking his hair tenderly.

He could hear her and Jace speaking to each othe. They obviously thought he was unconscious as he lay there with his eyes closed.

"Oh my god I'm so worried about him," Isabelle told Jace sadly.  
"This is what withdrawal looks like. It's absolute agony. He must be in a lot of pain."

Suddenly, Isabelle gasped.  
"Oh my God! Jace, look!"  
Alec felt Jace's hand brush lightly over his neck. "Vampire bite. He is _really_ messed up in something."  
"Thanks for the helpful observation…"  
"Hey, stop that. I'm just as concerned as you are."  
"I know. I'm sorry. It's just that Alec is always the one who looks out for us and protects us. And now look at him. I don't know if we are capable of helping him Jace and I am so so scared."

Alec had to say something. He opened his eyes to find them both staring down at him, looking like ghosts.

"Please don't be scared, Izzy," he told her softly, lifting his hand to her face and stroking it lightly. She smiled back at him, tears in her eyes. "I will always be looking out for you. You will always be my baby sister."  
She hugged him so tightly he couldn't breathe for a moment. The pain coursing through him was horrific and he winced as she moved away.

"Alec, listen to me," Jace began. He sounded strained, like he was pleading. "You can't do this; it is so dangerous to dabble in drugs, not to mention it's illegal. The Clave will strip you of your marks and banish you if they find out – at the very least. And we need you to fight Sebastian with us. We can't rely on you in battle if you are drugged, because you don't know how you will react. We can't lose you."  
Alec hadn't heard Jace sound quite as upset or scared since he had first met him all those years ago when he came to live with them.  
Jace drew out his stele from his pocket and pressed it to Alec's chest, close to his heart, drawing a large _iratze_. Alec felt relief spread through his body. The pain was still there, but it was certainly not as bad.

"You looked like you'd lost a lot of blood, so that should help."

"Thank you," Alec managed.

"I want to know what happened last night. You got in just after 5 in the morning. Do you remember?"  
Alec nodded.  
"I went to a club with this Vampire I had met. He had taken me to the Ifrit den too, the night before. We danced and did some drugs. It wasn't really a big deal…"

"It wasn't a _big deal_?!" Izzy was furious.

"I just mean," Alec interjected quickly, "That you didn't need to worry about me, I was fine. Come on, you've both done fairy drugs before."  
"Fairy drugs are one thing, but letting Vampires bite you and mixing fairy drugs with _yin fen_, that's different. The Clave wouldn't look on fondly if any of us were caught with fairy drugs, remember, and they are nowhere near the worse. And neither me nor Isabelle have ever tried them because we were _depressed_. It is a dangerous combination."

"But you want me to get over him. And this is the only way I've found that lets me forget him, even if it is only temporary," Alec said, just before the blackness washed over him again and he lost consciousness.

_He was on that hill in Idris again, but this time instead of overlooking Alicante, it was the familiar view of Paris he saw. He felt a warm presence approach from behind him and turned to find Magnus, smiling beautifully at him and dressed in a beautiful purple brocade Victorian-style frock coat. They kissed and it felt warm and satisfying.  
"I dreamt that we killed each other," he told Magnus. The Warlock looked at him, slightly stunned.  
"I know this is a dream too, but it was so horrible. Blood everywhere…"  
"This isn't a dream Alexander," Magnus told him playfully.  
"Really? Then how come the City of Paris is now located in Idris?" Alec said, pulling Magnus closer to him.  
"I never said it was real…"  
"Then what? Is this some kind of riddle?"_

_"It's hope Alexander," Magnus said as he kissed him again._


	6. Chapter 6

**WARNING: Reader discretion is advised.  
There is an additional warning in this chapter everyone, as it gets a whole lot darker I'm afraid! But be thankful you didn't have to wait too long for this chapter.  
A big thank you to all those who have left reviews - all feedback is, as ever, greatly appreciated - especially to those who left reviews telling me to get on and write more because they are enjoying this so much! :-) Makes me smile!**

**We have a little further to go down the rabbit hole, I am afraid though, before anything really Malec-y happen. Keep Following and Favouriting and Feedbacking folks! I PROMISE it will get better.  
**  
Jace and Isabelle took it in turns to sit with Alec all day as he passed in and out of consciousness in excruciating agony. He wouldn't let Clary see Alec like this but he did miss her. She was doing quite a good job at distracting their mother though and keeping her away from Alec.  
Poor Alec.

He understood why Izzy was so panicked. Never in her life had she seen her big brother quite so vulnerable and in pain, not counting the time he was almost killed with Greater Demon poison. She had been right; Alec had always looked out for both of them, happy to let the two of them take all the glory whilst defending them and watching their backs and it was weird that they were now taking care of him. Neither of them really knew what they were doing and Jace was starting to think he was an especially rubbish nurse as things turned out.

The sun was coming up now and Alec looked like he had calmed down a bit. Izzy would have to sit with him for a few hours because he had promised to go with Clary for breakfast at Taki's, though he didn't really feel like eating anything and would probably fall asleep in his waffles.

Jace couldn't quite believe how long Alec had been unconscious and he was starting to get a little concerned. However, there weren't many people he could talk to about this to get advice without getting Alec in trouble.

He could go to Magnus of course… But that was a silly idea.

He had passed out yesterday around ten am after he had sauntered in drunk and high at 5 o'clock in the morning. Jace had been so angry with him, especially after they had rescued him from an Ifrit den the night before that. Izzy had been devastated.

He had started to convulse when he was passed out and they had both realised he needed round-the-clock care. Alec had been flailing around, clearly in pain, though completely unresponsive since then. At least he hadn't gone out last night and taken drugs again.

Jace let out a long sigh as Isabelle walked in. Although she had meant to be sleeping and getting much needed rest she clearly hadn't. She had dark circles under her eyes and she looked entirely worn out. But he was thankful she was here now. He could probably get in an hour of sleep before he had to go meet Clary; he wasn't sure he would do any better than Isabelle at getting any rest, but it was worth a try.

"How is he?" she asked nervously. Jace vacated the uncomfortable little chair that had been making his back ache to let her sit down.  
"He's actually a little better I think. He's stopped crying out now."  
"Still, I think we should keep the soundless rune on his door and walls for the time being, not sure I would be happy to chance Mum hearing anything."  
"Agreed, though you may want to re-draw a couple of them."

"Are you going to see Clary?"

"Yeah, meeting her for breakfast at Taki's about nine-ish and then we're off to do some more training. You want me to pick you up any food?"  
"Not sure I would be able to keep it down… But some coconut pancakes would be amazing." She flashed him a weak, half-hearted smile.

He assured her he would bring her back something and that he wouldn't be too long and should be returning around midday at the latest. Jace hoped that Izzy would be able to get some sleep in the little chair, which Jace now believed to be the most uncomfortable chair ever made.

_It doesn't really qualify as a chair; more a torture deveice_.

He managed to doze for a little over an hour, though it wasn't that restful, before he went off to meet Clary. He was hoping for a bit of advice about Alec and whether she thought talking to Magnus again would be worth it. Magnus had always liked Clary, so maybe if she spoke to him rather than himself she would have more success.  
Jace had tried reasoning with the Warlock, trying to find out exactly what had happened and why he was being such a git towards Alec. He had tried to convey how miserable Alec was and Jace had even pointed out how miserable Magnus seemed too. But Magnus had just been rude to him and told him to leave. He wasn't Jace's biggest fan.

His heart sang as he saw her sat at a booth, pouring over the menu and as she looked up and saw him and gave him that gorgeous, sunny smile, Jace felt as light as air. Despite the hell he was going through with Alec and all this stupid fire in his body, she made him feel good. It was still tricky trying to touch her without getting so excited he may burn her, but he was getting there.

Her smile disappeared and she frowned slightly at him, wrinkling her nose and brow and looking cute and hot at the same time.  
"You look dreadful. What's wrong?"  
"Alec." Jace said simply. Clary's face darkened. "So remember we couldn't find him two nights ago and we were all scared about where he was?"

"You text me and told me yesterday that he had come home…"  
"Yeah, but he had been with Vampires, doing drugs again. Definitely sleeping around too – he had puncture marks on his neck."  
She looked shocked already, even though he hadn't quite finished.  
"And me and Izzy have stayed with him constantly since then, because he keeps screaming in agony and having fits. It's the withdrawal from the Warlock drugs he has been taking."  
"B-but, he only took it twice!"  
"_Yin Fen_ is nasty. You get hooked really easily. Mundanes very rarely survive it. Nephilim can use it and can last years on the stuff, though it slowly poisons you and eats away at your insides. It is so highly addictive though, and the withdrawal from it is really terrible. As Alec is now demonstrating."

"Well I was ok after those fairy drugs…"  
"Yeah, but that's a little different. _Yin Fen_ is basically made from demon poison. I would have thought Alec would know better, considering he almost died from demon poisoning not so long ago…"

"We don't have to train today if you don't want to. Let's just go to the park and relax. You look like you could do with a snooze." She gingerly placed her hand over his, a little cautious that she may get burnt.  
"Do you think we should talk to Magnus about this?" he asked her, genuinely curious to see what she thought of the idea. He didn't want to force her to go and fight Alec's battles for him.

"I'm not sure. If Magnus doesn't want to be with Alec then we can't go round to his and guilt-trip him into getting back together with him. Although, I do think if Magnus asks you about Alec you should tell him the truth. Just don't think we should force it."

Jace thought that was the most sense he had heard for a good while; although, Alec rambling incoherently and occasionally calling out for Magnus barely counted as cogent discussion.  
_I mustn't forget Izzy's pancakes_. He thought.

* * *

Jace was sat on a chair next to his bed; his head was resting on the mattress to Alec's left. He looked around the room; his own head was still a throbbing mess.  
Izzy was no longer there and the room was dark now.

His body was screaming and he felt incredibly thirsty. Something silvery glinted by his lower leg, caught in the moonlight. Jace's stele. Alec's spare was stashed away at the bottom of one of his cupboards and Jace had confiscated his actual one after he had tried to etch _iratzes_ all over his arms to try and block out the pain his and Magnus' breakup. Needless to say, it hadn't worked and had only given him more scars. The pain he had caused when he had scraped his stele across his skin, however, had temporarily distracted him from the ache in his chest that was caused by Magnus' absence.

Now Jace and Izzy were very concerned about him, just because he had finally decided to try and get over Magnus and go have some fun. He was only eighteen and he deserved to have as much fun as any other guy his age.

He picked up the stele and drew a soundless rune carefully on the inside of his arm. All of those _iratzes_ had healed up fairly well now, though it was still painful to draw new runes there where the skin was still tender. But his insides hurt so much and he was so driven by thirst that he had to get away. He didn't want to wake Jace up, who was looking so peaceful right now and who certainly hadn't had enough sleep with looking after Alec.

He slipped ably from the bed, his soundless rune ensuring he made no noise to wake up his _parabatai_. He ran to his bathroom and held his mouth to the tap, so desperate for water. He gulped the icy cold fluid down hungrily.

The pain did not recede. He had been thirsty, but the fire in his body was still there and he couldn't quell the flames.  
Jace and Izzy had been talking about withdrawal from the drugs he had been taking.

_That must be it_.

He knew what his body craved now and he needed to make the pain stop, but he could think of only one way to do this and this would involve sneaking out again and hurting Jace and Isabelle. A fiery pain shot through him and almost made him gasp aloud. He had to do _something_.

Alec silently pulled off his soiled shirt and put on a jumper that was hanging off the back of the bathroom door. It wasn't exactly clean, but it would do he supposed. He took his leave of Jace, his room and the Institute and wandered into the city night air.

He had only just got to the end of the street when the Vampire appeared again, looking quite amused. This time, however, he was accompanied by another Vampire, a female with light brown hair, shot through with silver and wide light grey eyes as well as a purple-skinned Ifrit with pale platinum coloured hair and thick, muscular arms.

"Where have you been Alec?" his Vampire acquaintance purred playfully. "Why didn't you come out to play last night?"  
Alec tried to process the information. Had he really lost an entire twenty four hours?

"I missed you," The Vampire added with a cold, wry smile.  
Alec tried his best to ignore the others he was with and addressed him directly.  
"I wasn't very well. But look, I need some more…"  
"You want me to _give_ you some more drugs, Alec?" he asked, his tone mocking.  
Alec stared blankly at him.  
"They aren't free you know."  
"I don't have any money on me right now, but I can pay you back…" The Vampire strode over to him, leaving the other two figures behind, lurking in the shadows of the lamplight.  
"I don't want money," he told Alec menacingly, standing so close to him that Alec could smell the sweetness of the Warlock Drug on his breath. It was intoxicating.

"Please…" Alec pleaded. The Vampire began to chuckle.

"Don't worry, dear Alexander, I will give you some. But you have to do me a favour."  
"Anything." Alec told him, determined.

The Vampire took him gently by the hand and led him into a deserted alleyway that smelled strongly of refuse. His two accomplices stood at the entrance to the small street, as if they were guarding them.

The Vampire pulled Alec's arm roughly so that Alec fell into him and began to kiss him hard and urgent. He walked backwards and hit the wall, pulling Alec towards him so that the Vampire was pinned by his body weight.  
It couldn't really be described as a nice kiss, but it was fairly exciting. Though for Alec, the only reason he obliged was because he could taste the drug on the Vampire's lips and it tasted so wonderful and he needed it so much...

The Vampire broke away, twisting his head from Alec's. Then he placed his hands on the top of Alec's shoulders.  
"Kneel," he demanded. Alec did as he was told, confused for a moment. When the Vampire undid his fly, Alec could guess what was required.  
He looked up at the Vampire questioningly.  
"Do this and I will give you what you want," he said simply, before leaning his head back against the wall and pointing his face towards the sky and away from Alec. A sure sign he just wanted Alec to get on with it.

He hesitated a moment. Was he honestly going to degrade himself like this? Another shock of pain coursed through him, answering his question.

* * *

He crept back into his room to find Jace still asleep on the chair, his head resting on the side of Alec's bed.

_Good. He won't know I left_.

Alec carefully removed his jumper and put it back behind the bathroom door and removed the small packet from the pocket of his jeans. He quickly stashed it beneath his pillow.

Then he removed his pants and threw on some pyjama bottoms. The sound of the drawer closing once he had removed them and put them on woke Jace up. His _parabatai_ stared at him through bleary, half-lidded eyes.  
"Alec, you ok?" he asked, suddenly waking up when his brain finally caught up with his eyes.  
"I'm feeling a little better now," Alec replied timidly. "Still in quite a bit of pain though."  
"What are you doing?" he asked as he stood and went over to Alec, concern all over his face.  
"Just thought I would get changed so I would be more comfortable. How long have I been out?"  
"About thirty six hours now…"  
"Wow. Sorry." Alec smiled at him and Jace huffed, folding his arms around his chest.  
"Well you should get back to bed, especially if you're still in pain."

Alec didn'treply, but he obliged and got into bed.  
"You should go Jace, I think I will be fine now. You look like you seriously need to sleep." Jace nodded, barely able to keep his eyes open.  
"Night. And thank you for looking after me," Alec told him as he rolled over and shut his eyes.

Jace was suddenly half on top of him, hugging him ridiculously tight. It took him by surprise – Jace wasn't really the hugging type.

"You have no idea how relieved I am," he told Alec before slipping away and out of Alec's room.

Was Jace really that worried about him? He knew he and Izzy were concerned, because taking drugs and going out partying wasn't the Alec they knew, but it seemed that Jace was genuinely petrified for Alec. It gave him a sort of comfort to know that, especially after Jace had been so harsh with him the past couple of days.

_That's it – he feels guilty, that's why he is acting all sweet and lovey_. Alec thought darkly.

He removed the packet of shiny silver powder from beneath his pillow and regarded it carefully. He actually was starting to feel a little better now, so maybe he didn't need to take any. But then the memory of what he had just done in order to get this flitted across his mind. And he picked up a small pinch and placed it on his tongue, the flavour immediately reminded him of Magnus and he felt stupidly happy.

Another few pinches and he was feeling sleepy, hoping that he would be able to visit that hillside with Magnus again tonight.


	7. Chapter 7

**Apologies this chapter has taken so long to get to you - I am afraid it needed to be a bit longer than previous chapters and this was a difficult one to write as I am drawing it to the end very soon!**

Magnus took another swig of his milky coffee, allowing the warmth and the taste to spread through him, hoping it would invigorate him enough to wake him up. He had got barely any sleep the past few nights, hopelessly worrying about Alec. Following a rather panicked phone call from Isabelle, who had been attempting to locate her brother, Magnus could not shake the feeling that something was wrong. Alec was not the type of person who would just go AWOL and not tell anyone. He wasn't Jace, who wouldn't think twice about hopping off somewhere and not informing his nearest and dearest.

It had set his mind whirring, and he was worried that their break-up had been too hard on Alec. All break-ups were difficult, but perhaps Alec wasn't as stable as Magnus had thought.

_I often took him for granted_.

He had kept his distance, after being reminded that it really wasn't anything to do with him, but it was driving him crazy not knowing.  
He knew he needed to meet up with Alec and talk things through; there was still so much unresolved. He had left Alec three voicemails now and he had yet to get back to him. Again, this was evidence of something being seriously wrong; and it just wasn't Alec. The Shadowhunter had been attempting to contact Magnus (almost constantly) since that night in the Subway, but Magnus had resisted the temptation to speak with him and hear his voice, thinking it would be too painful. It seemed strange now that suddenly Alec really didn't want anything to do with him.

But then, Magnus knew he must have hurt Alec. Perhaps Alec was doing the sensible thing and trying to move on. But the Warlock's heart ached. He missed him too much.

Magnus had started to question his motives. Did he decide to break up with Alec because he was angry and had wanted to teach him a lesson? He kept telling himself this wasn't the case; he had decided to end their relationship because the two of them had serious issues. They hadn't really been getting on too well and tensions had been very high; Magnus had felt like Alec was slipping through his fingers.

_And whose fault was that?_

The issue of Magnus' immortality and his long and complicated past had made Alec feel isolated and had put a wedge between them. Magnus let out a sigh. Perhaps he should have been more forthcoming and then there would not have been any bitterness. Magnus hadn't thought he would get caught out and have to confront his past in front of Alec; he hadn't expected Camille to come back into his life.

Ever since that night in the Subway, Camille had been very conspicuously absent from his life once more. He should have seen that coming, he supposed.

Magnus set the coffee cup down on top of an old pizza box and got out his phone. He may as well try again. He jumped up with surprise when he heard it start to ring. This was the first time it hadn't gone straight through to voicemail. Hope welled up inside him and then dissipated just as quickly when no one answered and the familiar sound of the answering machine began to ring in his ears.

"Hi Alec, it's me again, Magnus… though you probably knew it was me, which is why you didn't answer. I just wanted to know if you are ok – I am a bit worried about you. And as you know I wanted to meet up and have a talk. I don't think I can leave it where it is. I don't know about you, though. Please agree to talk to me… Anyway, just a text would do to let me know you're alright. And then maybe I could call you back this evening? Ok, bye… I love you…" he hung up and put his head in his hand.

Why on earth did he just end that really stupid-sounding message with an 'I love you'? Despite it being completely true – he really did love Alec still – he probably shouldn't be telling him that; it probably wasn't what Alec wanted (or needed) to hear.

Magnus felt so terribly lonely. Being alive for so long, loneliness was something you usually just had to accept, but this was a different kind of loneliness; one that made him feel helpless. Even his cat was nowhere to be seen, probably because Magnus was really not great company at the moment. Or perhaps the Chairman was deathly bored of watching Mexican soap operas and re-runs of Jerry Springer. He would get dressed today and do some back-logged work. Try to take his mind off things. Magnus got up from the couch and stripped off his clothes on the way to the shower, leaving them on the floor where they fell.

_Alec would pick them up if he were her_e_._

Magnus smiled at the thought. Alec would often pick up Magnus' clothes from the floor and then berate him that he was lazy and messy. Magnus used to get frustrated and would tell Alec to stop nagging at him. He hadn't thought that would be one of the first things he would miss when they parted. But that small facet of domestic everyday life with Alec played on his mind constantly, as did other seemingly boring and non-descript things they used to do as a couple. Such as standing in the kitchen attempting to cook together – they were both fairly hopeless, though Alec often praised Magnus, telling him that he was a really great cook (in comparison to Izzy); or sitting and watching TV together; or lounging in bed and chatting about anything and everything.

Magnus' chest went tight. They had talked a lot and Magnus had really loved that they were so comfortable with each other, but they had never discussed Magnus. And that had been the problem.

Magnus showered as quickly as he could. He had first got rid of the sandalwood bath products because they reminded him too much of Alec, but had since magicked them all back. He had caught himself on more than one occasion sitting on the bathroom floor and inhaling the scent from the shampoo bottle. He had wanted to punish Alec for betraying his trust. But he had ended up punishing himself. There was that great Mundane saying that really summed it up – "cut off your nose to spite your face". He had really messed this up, and now he had lost the best thing to have ever happened to him.

_Alec_.

With a towel slung haphazardly around his waist, Magnus strode with purpose back into his open-plan living room. He swiped up his phone again and rang Alec once more, determination steeling his nerves.

"What do _you _want?"

The harsh voice sounding through from the other end of the line caused Magnus to jump. It wasn't what he had expected.

"I would have thought that was obvious," he said, annoyed. "I want to talk to Alec."

"And what makes you think he wants to talk to you?" Jace asked him coldly, no hint of playfulness in his voice. The last time he had seen Jace, the Shadowhunter had seemed genuinely concerned about both Alec and himself. He had even tried to persuade Magnus to take Alec back. Now, it appeared, he was acting as Guard Dog and making sure Magnus didn't go near his ex. Something drastic had clearly happened over the past couple of days that Magnus was not entirely aware of.

"Does he genuinely not want to talk to me? Or are you not letting him?"  
"Thought you would know by now that no one controls Alec. Even you couldn't do it."

Magnus winced at that.

"Look, stop acting like such a dick. I need to talk to him because we can't leave everything the way we did. You were right, when you came over here; about everything. I am miserable and if he is miserable too then we definitely need to talk."  
There was a lengthy pause. When Jace spoke again, his voice was laced with barely suppressed anger.

"_Miserable_? You have no fucking idea Warlock. Just leave us alone and go crawl back into that hole of an existence you seem so fond of." Magnus felt rage bubble inside him and also sadness. Jace's words cut him deep and he had never heard Jace speak like that before. He was about to yell back, but Jace hung up before he could actually think of a retort. So Magnus was left standing alone, in the middle of his loft, dripping wet and staring into the distance, his phone clutched tightly against his ear as if it had been glued there.

Jace was usually infuriating for everyone else, but very rarely got angry himself. Not seriously angry, like he was just a moment ago on the phone.

Magnus magicked on his 'One Million Dollars' t-shirt and his Juicy sweatpants, and causing a few memories of Alec to briefly fly through his head, but he tried to push them down. He needed to do some work and it wouldn't help to be distracted.

Perhaps Alec didn't want to talk to him.

For the first time in many years, Magnus felt the wet hot sting of tears rolling down his face.

* * *

Alec walked into his room and was startled to see Jace there, sat on his bed and playing with his phone.

"What are you doing?" he enquired, trying to sound un-phased by Jace's presence.

"Was looking for you. Thought we could go training."

Alec was in gear. He had already gone out for a spot of training in the park and hadn't thought about inviting Jace along. He had needed to get out desperately into the fresh air.

Alec looked sheepishly down at his attire, which Jace had also noticed.

"Ummm… sorry."

Jace flashed him a rather unexpected smile and then jumped to his feet, throwing Alec's phone down onto his bed.

"Don't be sorry!" he said brightly. "I am so glad you are feeling better now." Alec paused and looked at him, not quite knowing what to do with himself. Jace seemed so happy that Alec was up and about, but there was a good reason why he was not flailing around his bed in agony.

"I see your old phone is working again."  
"What were you doing in my drawer?" he asked Jace suddenly, panic gripping his insides. He had definitely left his phone in his drawer. Jace looked down at the floor and avoided eye contact. This was his guilty face.

"I was just looking… to see if you had any more drugs…"  
Alec began to choke a bit.  
"But you don't! And I am so sorry! You know I trust you right?"

"You had NO right to go poking through my things Jace! I can't believe you would do that!" Alec was angry now. Angry and afraid. What if Jace had found his stash?

"What are you talking about? I have _every_ right; especially after I had to clean your vomit from my shoes. I care about you and I won't ever let something that awful happen to you again." Jace looked at him sadly.

"Maybe you find it hard to believe, but I don't want you coming to my room and rooting through my things!"

"That is _not_ the point."

Alec threw his arms in the air, gave a huff of annoyance and stormed back out of the room. He was all the way at the street corner until he realised he had forgotten his phone. But it was too late to go back for it. And then he realised his drugs were also still in his room, hidden carefully under the mattress of his bed.

_Shit_.

Alec found himself trudging along the street, his feet carrying him to a destination of their own accord. And there he was, suddenly standing to the entrance of the Ifrit Drugs Den and knocking hard on the grey fire door.

Blue eyes and a small yellow face met him as the door cracked open, allowing the unmistakable scent of burnt sugar and metal to hit him through the air.

Once the Warlock clocked who he was, she gave a little yelp and tried to shut the door on him. Alec was too fast for her though, and jammed his foot inside, blocking the door from shutting.

"I don't want any trouble Nephilim! We didn't harm you in any way the other night, it is not my fault your friends didn't want you to be here – _I_ didn't contact them!"  
"Please, just let me in," he asked her calmly.

Perhaps there was something in his voice that had persuaded her, Alec wasn't sure, but with that she opened the door wide, a curious expression on her face.  
"We aren't open yet, but I suppose I could." And she did. Alec waited for her to close the door and take the lead as they walked silently down the corridor. It wasn't that different to how he remembered it; even though it was now light outside, it was completely dark in the corridor as no windows were present to allow in any natural light. There wasn't any smoke filling the space now though, so it didn't feel quite as suffocating.

The Warlock opened the small black door and scurried inside and Alec followed. She stood by the empty bar, cleared and cleaned now.

"What do you want?" she asked, her eyes shining with curiosity, though she sounded scared.

Alec paused, thinking about how he should put it.

"Do you need to buy more? Or are you here to report me to the Clave?" she asked him, obviously sensing his awkwardness.

"I can pay…" Alec could feel that familiar blush spread across his face. The Warlock let out a relieved-sounding chuckle.

"Thank goodness! I mean, we're technically not open yet, but I don't mind at all if you just want to collect and go?"

Alec nodded in agreement, feeling his skin reddening further.

"You're about as threatening as a tiger cub," she told him softly, awe in her voice. Alec looked up at her sharply and made her jump.  
"I will just get it set up…"

The Warlock went into a corner and opened a large wooden chest with metal studs sticking up sharply from its surface. She returned to the bar and placed a set of small golden scales upon it before going behind the counter and ducking down. Alec peered curiously around the side to see her fiddling with something that appeared to be a safe underneath.

Alec stood up quickly as she rose so she wouldn't notice he had been spying. She brought up a large glass jar, filled with silver powder and a small silver spoon and placed them delicately down next to the scales. She fiddled with the scales, making the one side sag downwards and the other lift.

"How much do you want?" she asked in a brisk, professional manner. Alec had no idea how much he could afford, so he took the cash from out of his pocket and put it down on the counter-top and she nodded in recognition.

The Warlock bent her head back and away from the jar as she unscrewed the lid and then piled up some of the powder onto the spoon.  
The powder shimmered beneath the electric lights as she poured it slowly onto the higher side of the scale and repeated until the two sides were again level with each other. Then she turned around and took a small clear plastic bag from a cardboard box on one of the shelves behind the bar and proceeded to lift up the golden plate that contained the powder from the scale and pour it inside the bag. She was careful to not spill any and Alec noticed she held the bag at arm's length and her face well away from the powder as it fell.

The powder looked beautiful, all sparkly and fine as it spilt into the bag. The Warlock fastened the bag with a small elastic band that she produced from the pocket of her black waistcoat. She put the bagged powder next to the scales and continued with repeating exactly the same process again, in silence. Alec just stood there and gaped. Soon there were two bags and the Warlock picked them both up and turned to face him, stretching out her hand and giving them to him.

"It doesn't look like much does it?" he mused out loud.

"Should last you a week or so, maybe longer if you don't take it every day."

Alec felt a jolt in the pit of his stomach; if this was only going to last him a week he would need to acquire more money from somewhere.

The Warlock scraped his cash off the bar and held it tightly to her chest.

"Ummm… you want to stay for a drink? We will be opening in about thirty minutes, so no one will disturb us til then."

Alec looked up at her, puzzled.

"I'll even throw in a bit of a freebie if you like…" she ventured.

Alec nodded. "Ok then."

They sat on some bar stools and the Warlock set up a couple of bottles of beer. It tasted horrible. Especially after she added a little _yin fen_ to his. She didn't have any in hers.

"I thought you said I had to just collect and go. Why are you being so nice to me?" Alec asked her.

"Apart from the fact that you are Nephilim and I am scared stiff of you?" she smiled a friendly smile at Alec and he returned it meekly. "You seem like you could do with talking to someone. We do get the odd Shadowhunter in here, but not usually one as young as you and never accompanied by a Downworlder."  
Alec took a swig of the beer.

"I'll take that as a compliment," he told her, trying to fight back the urge to spit out the odd-tasting liquid.

"So what gives? That Vampire your boyfriend or something?"

Alec chocked on the beer and coughed loudly. The Warlock looked at him bemused and cocked her head to the side.

"He's not my boyfriend. I don't have a boyfriend." He told her once he had sufficiently recovered.  
"Uh-oh, what is that supposed to mean? Some guy break your heart?" she asked. She sounded like she was teasing him, but when Alec met her big blue eyes he noticed she looked nothing if not friendly. He couldn't help but smile at her.

"How could you tell?" he asked her sadly. He wasn't that bothered any more that people knew he was gay, but he did briefly wonder if it was obvious that he was heartbroken and crumbling away on the inside. He hadn't thought it was that noticeable.

"Call it Warlock intuition…" she told him playfully and taking a sip out of her bottle.

"I know a lot about 'warlock intuition'" Alec replied darkly, knitting his brow and then taking a big gulp of his beer.

"Your ex a Warlock then? Would I know him?"  
"Probably."  
"What's his name?"  
"Not sure it's a good idea to tell you..."  
"Ooh is he really evil or something?"  
Alec shot her a look and the both of them sniggered. He was feeling a lot calmer now; though that was probably the drugs.

"You want a bit of advice?" she said finally, letting out a sigh.  
Alec looked at her, smiled and then nodded for her to continue.  
"You should stop doing this."  
"What?"  
"_This_. You know, doing drugs, getting involved with dodgy downworlders… He's not worth it."  
"You have no idea…"  
"You're in love him, aren't you?" she asked, realisation dawning on her face.  
"He told me he loved me, including just after he told me to get out of his life. So I'm not sure he ever loved me the way I loved him. _Love him_. I just can't seem to get over it."  
"Jeez, he sounds like a real bastard. He told you he loved you but that he was still going to break up with you? You must have done something really bad."

"I was speaking to his ex behind his back. She was telling me things about his past; things he just refused to tell me. I shouldn't have done what I did. I know I betrayed his trust." As Alec spoke, he felt an overwhelming sadness building up inside him again. The drugs numbed the pain temporarily and allowed his head to go cloudy and forget for brief moments, but they couldn't heal him completely.

"Wait – _she_? I thought… sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I didn't even know he had dated girls before she showed up and totally ruined our holiday," Alec laughed despite himself. That was definitely the drug.

"Damn. This is one complicated mess. You should definitely talk to him though. Try to figure this out and tell him you're still in love with him."  
"It won't do any good," Alec told her, resigned. "He doesn't want anything to do with me."

At that, a tall Ifrit with bright red skin walked in through the door.

"Time to open up," she told him as she got up off the stool. Alec drained the rest of his beer and got up too.

As he left, he shot her a genuine smile.

"Thank you for listening," he told her sincerely. She gave a short laugh.  
"You know, you're different from most Shadowhunters. And please talk to your boyfriend and tell him what you're going through?"

Alec felt good as he walked out onto the street. The sun had gone in and the sky was a beautiful blue colour in the twilight. He was going to take that Warlock's advice after all and try to speak to Magnus. He couldn't just give up; he loved him too much to just move on. He didn't care how long it took; he would work it out somehow.

As Alec walked briskly back to the Institute he felt that familiar feeling in his chest; a feeling he had almost forgotten recently. _Hope_.

He was just about to turn a corner when two dark figures appeared in front of him, seemingly coming from nowhere, and blocking his way. He recognised them immediately – the Vampire and the Ifrit who had accompanied the Vampire the last night Alec had seen him.

"Get out of my way," Alec snarled at them, but they didn't move and seemed fairly unfazed by his request.  
A cold laugh sounded behind him and Alec spun around to see the light-haired vampire stalking towards him.

"Now now, play nice Shadowhunter," he taunted.

"What do you want?" Alec asked him exasperatedly. He could really do without this now. He needed to get back and try to call Magnus again.

"Just wondered where you've been? I thought we had a good time the other night…"  
"_You_ had a good time you mean."  
The Vampire gave a chortle.  
"Well I wasn't following you this time. But imagine my surprise when I bumped into you here."  
"What's it to you?" asked Alec, slightly confused. The Vampire slinked up close to Alec and leant towards him so that his lips were almost on Alec's face.  
"I don't like that you went behind my back." He breathed into the Shadowhunter's ear. Alec started; the Vampire's breath was cool and it made him shudder.

"What do you mean?" Alec began to take a step back from the Vampire as the situation was starting to feel a little oppressive, but the Vampire caught him by the arm and firmly held him in place.  
"Look, you've been very good to me, but I regret my actions the other night. It was degrading and it really wasn't me."  
Surprisingly, the Vampire smiled at him and let go of his arm suddenly.

"I understand. But maybe I just like you and didn't think you would do that without a little… persuasion?"  
Alec felt a little bad for him. He didn't really like the Vampire in that way, but Alec supposed he had been leading him on. He began to chew his lip nervously.

"Alec, please don't hate me for that. Why don't you come along to this new club tonight with us? It is going to be sensational." He flashed Alec a big grin and he noticed that his fangs were not extended; this made Alec feel a little safer.

"I really shouldn't…"

"Hey, come just this once and I will give you my number and if I don't hear from you ever again then no harm done. But then you will be able to contact me? What do you say?" the Vampire sounded hopeful and Alec took pity on him.

"Ok, let's go. I have stuff to sort out in my head, so I'm going to have to think things through. But I'm up for going out this evening." Alec smiled reassuringly and the Vampire took his hand in a cold grasp and led him away.

There was no harm in having a bit of fun. He could always call Magnus tomorrow once he had had time to think about what he wanted to say. Alec was about to pull out his phone and text Jace to say he would be out this evening, but then remembered he hadn't brought it. He sighed inwardly because he knew Jace would be angry and concerned with him again. He briefly thought about turning back, worrying about Jace's and Izzy's reaction, but then decided to press on. After this evening he probably wouldn't have chance to go out again for a while. He seriously had to get back to training.


	8. Chapter 8

_A swirling of bodies, pulsing and gyrating together inexplicably close. Thick, heavy music thudded all around and made the room buzz with its vibrations. I am floating high above the world; lost in sensation and pleasure. I cannot really see or hear or think as he holds me. He is inside me. He is icy cold against my warm body, causing a strange unearthly feeling as the temperatures of our skin fight each other. He is saying my name and it makes me feel good to see him looking so happy._

_But I turn my gaze away from his face because it is not the face I want to see, even though I can't think of whose. _

_This is punishment, torture, death. Even though it feels good I know in my bones that this cannot be right. Somewhere there is a small voice calling to me and telling me to stop, but I can't._

_I know I should be someplace else, but the answer won't come to me because I cannot focus on the thought for long enough before it dissipates away from me like a small wisp of a cloud being blown across the sky._

_His weight is on top of me suddenly and I can hear little else but his heavy breathing and it feels like its dark and light at the same time, but I honestly can't tell. All I can think of is how cold he feels and how much my body aches for warmth. The only picture in my head is one of golden-green cat eyes staring at me and filled with a heart-wrenching sadness. My mind can't fathom what they mean right now, but they are familiar, reassuring and beautiful. And although they are sad and full of grief they make me feel warmer. _

* * *

"Maybe we need to tell mum and dad now. We can't let this continue, Jace." Isabelle looked exhausted, drawn and at the end of her tether. She hadn't stopped worrying about Alec since that day Jace had carried him in from the park, useless _iratze_ runes covering his arms in small cuts that he had inflicted upon himself.

Jace felt his stomach lurch.

_This is all my fault_.

If he hadn't tried to force Alec to move on so soon, perhaps none of this would have happened. Maybe if he had been a better brother, friend and _parabatai_ then Alec would not be going off the rails like he was.

He had searched for him all evening after he had stormed away from the Institute as a result of Jace searching through his things to make sure he wasn't stashing drugs. He understood Alec was angry, which is why he had given him some space.

But when there was no sign of Alec after a couple of hours, Jace immediately began to fear the worst. He had, perhaps stupidly, gone off on his own and had not told Isabelle anything. He told himself it was because he didn't want to worry her again, but really it had been because he was too scared to admit that the reason Alec had disappeared again was because he had acted like a complete idiot. Again.

But he hadn't been able to find him. Jace had even gone back to the Ifrit drugs den and had ended up having a talk with the yellow-skinned Warlock, who apparently knew Alec better than him now. He had got angry and said some horrible things to her, but the jist of what she said was that Alec was going to attempt to contact 'his boyfriend' and work things out.

She had looked smug; as if she had sorted out all of Alec's problems with a few kind words. As if Jace and nearly every other person hadn't suggested all of that already.

_Stupid warlock_.

She hadn't been any help at all in locating Alec. Jace had sat in the cold church for what seemed like all night, waiting for Alec to return. He had eventually given up and had lain in bed, not sleeping; listening out for any sound of his _parabatai's _return. He must have fallen asleep though, because Alec was in his bed, fast asleep when Jace went and checked his room this morning.

He had rushed across to Izzy's room and had told her, with a certain degree of shame, what had happened. He had immediately regretted it because her pretty dark eyes had filled with tears and it looked as though she crumpled up from the inside.

"We can't tell them, Iz. Think about what would happen to Alec." He was worried and panicking now. Perhaps they did need more help than he had cared to admit, but getting their parents involved seemed a little extreme: Robert and Maryse Lightwood were important members of the Clave and, more worryingly, Jace had always thought they were a little unpredictable.  
She let out an exasperated sigh.

"Not whispering about me are you?"

Alec entered the kitchen, followed closely by Clary. They both seemed fairly jovial considering what had been happening over the past few days, and neither seemed to contain any of the profound inner turmoil that was eating away both himself and Isabelle. It somewhat annoyed Jace.

Alec was actually looking fine, even though he knew his _parabatai_ had spent most of last night suspiciously absent.

"Whatever gave you that impression?" Jace replied rather sarcastically. Clary went up to him and tentatively stroked his arm. Once she was satisfied that she wasn't going to get singed she rose up on tip toes and gave him a small peck on the cheek.

Alec slumped down on one of the seats.

"I'm starving!" he exclaimed enthusiastically.

Isabelle beamed at him, clearly relieved, though Jace could still tell she was worried because her brow was still a little furrowed.

"I could make you some bacon?" she suggested eagerly.

Alec made a face. "Ummm…"

"Burn him some bacon you mean?" Jace chimed in. Izzy shot him a dangerous look.

"Alec likes his bacon crispy," she told him through gritted teeth. "Don't you?"

Alec looked like someone had pinched him for a moment.  
"Yeah, absolutely. Bacon would be lovely, Iz. Thanks." He smiled at her and Jace could hear Isabelle let out her breath that she had clearly been holding in ever since Alec had walked into the kitchen.

She breezed over to the refrigerator and got out a packet before turning around towards the stove. She looked sharply over to Jace, trying to look angry, though she couldn't seem to hide how happy she was right now.

"I'd offer you some, but I know you will only undermine my culinary skills," she told him, barely able to contain her smile.

Jace looked at her knowingly and they shared a small moment, both conveying their relief to each other that Alec seemed to be alright.  
"Skills?" he said, lifting an eyebrow. Clary elbowed him in the ribs and caught him off guard, winding him slightly.  
"Hey!" he said as he grabbed her and laughed.  
"Stop being so ungrateful," she told him playfully.

Isabelle was now examining various pans, holding each one up to the light as if their appearance would have a great significance over the outcome of breakfast. She looked like she did when she was choosing her weapons, although when she chose those she looked like she knew what she was doing.

As expected, Izzy burnt the bacon thoroughly and Alec gulped it down and pretended it was lovely. It was a relief for things to seem a little normal again.

As Jace walked with Clary towards their usual training area in Central Park he felt good for the first time in a while. He was able to hold her hand without burning her and steal the odd chaste kiss. He was getting better at controlling it in fights too and Jace felt confident that when it came to the Battle he would be able to use this strange power to help. He often pictured burning Sebastian where he stood and, although it scared him, it also made him feel braver.

"So you think Alec is ok now?" Clary asked him.  
"Not sure about ok… He's definitely better though. I was a little worried because he disappeared again last night, but he seemed fine this morning so that's a massive relief."  
"Maybe you should have asked him where he was…"  
"Why? So he can blow up at me again for not trusting him? I'm just relieved he didn't do anything stupid last night after we argued."

Clary stopped where she was looked at him thoughtfully. "It's just, it's Alec. You don't think that he would try to hide it if something were wrong? _Still wrong_ I mean. When it first happened – the breakup – he didn't know how to deal with it, but now he's managed to sort stuff in his head you don't think he may just be protecting you and Isabelle? That he may still be going off the rails but has just got better at hiding it?"

"I hadn't really thought about that. Why? Did he say something to you?"  
Clary looked up at him nervously. She was biting her lip, which Jace found inexplicably hot but also worrying at the same time.

"He just seemed weird this morning. I saw him wandering around aimlessly in the corridor so I asked him to come to the kitchen with me. He seemed stupidly happy…"  
"Like he was high?"  
Clary looked down at the floor and nodded. Jace cursed aloud.

"I could be wrong," she said hurriedly. "I just know that I could _never_ be that cheerful if I lost you. And it seems weird to me that he would go from yelling at you and storming out yesterday to as if nothing had happened today."

Jace's heart plummeted. He didn't really feel like training any more. The more he thought about it, the more he realised Clary was right; he and Isabelle had probably missed something because they were both just so desperate for Alec to 'get back to normal'.  
He clutched at his _parabatai_ rune and berated himself for being such an awful person.

"But he may be absolutely fine! I can't tell you whether he was high or not, because I don't really know what to look for. If you and Izzy didn't think anything was up then I am sure he is fine." She smiled at him reassuringly, but Jace knew she was just saying that to make him feel better. How could he be so stupid that he didn't even notice there was something wrong with Alec? Why didn't he quiz him on his whereabouts last night?

"Hang on a moment," he told Clary, who looked at him anxiously.

Jace took out his phone and dialled Izzy's number.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked him, sounding like she was distracted.

"What are you doing?"  
"I was just in the training room. What's wrong?"  
"Is Alec with you?"  
"No, he went for a lie down. And before you say anything, it is not because I poisoned him with my bacon. He is still recovering and he just needed to rest for a bit longer I think. Said he would come train with me tomorrow though. Why?"

"You don't think he may still be on drugs?"  
There was a pause.

"Isabelle?" Jace asked timidly.  
"I'm still here. Why do you think that? He was fine this morning." She sounded panicked and Jace could tell that she had only just realised there was something off about Alec this morning too. He had appeared to be the 'normal' Alec, but he was, perhaps, a little too cheerful for his behaviour to be entirely genuine.

Jace remembered when they were younger and they had all been training together, him Alec and Izzy. Alec had taken a nasty fall from one of the high wires and landed awkwardly on his arm. He and Isabelle had been really worried and rushed over to him, but he brushed them aside and just laughed, telling them he was alright and just really clumsy. It had been over dinner that Hodge had noticed Alec turning pale and they had discovered Alec had broken his wrist. A simple healing rune had fixed it in a moment, but Alec must have been in agony and had not said a word. He had just carried on smiling and training with them. Jace couldn't help feel this was a similar situation.

He had only just realised that Alec often pushed his feelings to one side because he was protecting his family. He was always the one looking out for them all and never once asked for the same consideration in return. And this is what was happening now.

How could he be so stupid?

Jace could see it now. When Alec was in a dark place because his heart had been entirely shattered, he and Isabelle hadn't comforted him and let him have his feelings or grieve. They had focussed on trying to 'get him back to normal' and had not once stopped to realise that Alec needed them to protect him now, not the other way around. It wasn't any wonder that Alec had lashed out really; a broken heart really was a lot more painful than a broken wrist. He had been crying out in pain and they had all been so used to him being strong they had not heard him.

"Izzy, please go check on him?"

"I'm already half way there. Will call you back and let you know." And with that she hung up.

* * *

Alec quickly shut away the packet into his drawer as he heard the knocking at his bedroom door. He had been about to take some more _yin fen_ in order to dream about Magnus again, but had not managed it. And now someone was at his door, requesting admittance.

He ran over and opened it to find his sister stood outside, her phone clutched tightly to her chest.

"What's wrong?" he asked her, seeing the fright in her dark eyes.

"Are you ok?" she asked him tentatively. Alec stared at her and nodded, trying to look blasé about it. He really wasn't ok, but this wasn't something Isabelle needed to worry about.

"It's just that you were really weird at breakfast and I thought… maybe you needed to talk or something?" She looked so young it frightened him a little.

"Izzy, I'm fine. I know I haven't been around much the past couple of weeks, but I am feeling a lot better now. And I love talking to you – you know you can talk to me whenever you want. I'm ok, I promise." He gave her a smile, trying to convey how 'ok' he was in an attempt to get her to leave him alone.

"I wanted to know if _you_ needed to talk – I don't need to. Not right now, anyway."

"Talk about what?"  
She stared at him, barely believing that he had to ask. She flushed crimson and Alec wondered if that was how he looked when he blushed; because his sister actually looked adorable.

"Just about everything that has happened," she told him in a small voice.  
"Look Isabelle, I'm fine. Honestly. I have spoken enough about all of this and it is really time for me to get on with things. I was actually going to call Magnus today and ask to meet up so we can talk and sort this whole mess out."  
Isabelle looked at him sharply, wide-eyed.

"To get back together?" she asked hopefully.

"I don't know about that," Alec told her honestly. "But we need to talk so we can both make sense of everything. I think it might be too late to save it, but at least we could try to be friends. I know we could all do with Magnus on our side right now."  
Isabelle stared at him open-mouthed

Really, every time he had said Magnus' name to her it had stabbed into his already rotten heart. But he had to put on a brave face or she would never leave him alone. And he didn't lie to her; everything he said was true. He was planning on talking to his ex-boyfriend and didn't think Magnus would ever take him back, especially if he found out what Alec had done last night, but the difference was that Alec really wasn't fine about it.

Eventually she had left him with the promise that he would let her know what was going on with him and Magnus. But Alec didn't contact the Warlock when Izzy left. He chickened out, his finger hovering over the 'call' button for what seemed like most of the day. He had even practiced what he was going to say to Magnus, but still couldn't bring himself to contact him. Instead, Alec had ended up dissolving a hefty amount of the silver powder into a water bottle, downing it all and joining Magnus on that lovely hill.

_"Do you still love me Magnus?" he asked the Warlock tentatively.  
Magnus shot him a look and smiled warmly, gripping his hand tightly.  
"I will love you for eternity," he told Alec blithely. _

_"Even when I die?"_

_Magnus seemed to consider for a moment._

"You will never die. You will always be in my heart. Forever."

_"But I don't ever want to leave you," Alec whispered. Magnus took him into a close embrace and kissed him tenderly._  
_"Then I will follow you. Wherever you have to go Alexander I will be with you. I promise." Alec felt happy, assured and safe here in Magnus' arms._

_He peered over the edge of their hill and saw Alicante, still in his lover's arms. Except the City was bleeding. He gasped and held Magnus more tightly.  
"What's wrong?" Magnus asked him softly.  
"The City – it's bleeding," he replied. _

_Magnus didn't say anything else, just held him close as Alec stared on in horror._

Alec awoke in a cold sweat, his body aching and his head pounding. He was tightly hugging his own pillow, clasping it so tightly to his body that when he loosened his grip he was sure that it had been misshapen beyond repair.

His phone buzzed on his bedside table. Alec leant over and picked it up, trying to pull the covers over him at the same time because he felt so cold and damp. He had a few voicemails and a text message. It was from the Vampire and it told Alec to meet him at a certain address. Alec but his lip; he really didn't want to see him, especially after what had happened last night.

Alec steeled himself and resolved that he would go and meet with the Vampire and would call everything off between them. He would have to apologise for leading him on, he supposed.

_I will take my weapons…_

You never knew how a Vampire was going to react to bad news.

**Well this chapter has taken a while! I had to make the decision whether this story was going to end or whether I was going to keep going a few more chapters. I chose to keep going a little longer as I do not feel I could have resolved this appropriately.**

**This is a sort of 'bridging' chapter. Apologies if it isn't that exciting compared to the others, but it is very important because it shows the moment Jace realises that he has been wrong - he hasn't been ehlping as much as he thought he was!**

**I also thought it was important to delve a little deeper into Alec's addiction. Because addicts don't always seem to be high. They learn to hide it well from the ones they love very quickly and I truely believe that Alec would try to hide it too, in order to protect everyone but himself.**

**But let me know what you think! I always love to hear your feedback! And the next chapter will be the 'action' one - so stay tuned!**


	9. Chapter 9

**WARNING: This chapter contains graphic and violent scenes, which some readers may find deeply upsetting. Your discretion is strongly advised.**

_This is ridiculous._

He was Magnus Bane, the High Warlock of Brooklyn, a centuries old immortal and most definitely a grown-up. Why couldn't he bring himself to pick up his telephone and call the person he loved?

_Because you have broken his heart and now you must grovel for his forgiveness. Idiot._

Magnus let out a big sigh and sat backwards, sinking into the soft leather of the couch. He desperately needed to talk to Alec, but he wanted to make absolutely sure he knew what he was going to say and he wanted to make sure it was at exactly the right moment. He wasn't going to take any more chances where Alec was concerned. Magnus knew he had a lot of explaining to do; he just hoped that Alec would give him a chance.

Chairman Meow jumped into his lap and dug his claws into Magnus' thigh - his signal for Magnus to pay him as much attention as possible.

"These were expensive pants, kitty. You better not have clawed a hole in them," he told the tabby as he tickled his fingers on the cat's head and behind his ears. His cat had been acting strangely since Alec moved moved out, suddenly requiring a lot more attention than usual. Magnus could only assume that the Chairman was distraught at the loss of the Shadowhunter from his life and missed him like crazy; or that he saw how miserable Magnus was and had been trying, in his own little cat way, to comfort him.  
"It's ok, daddy is going to try and get Alec back," he cooed at the cat, who had flopped over and was purring deeply as Magnus massaged his head and neck.

It wasn't as if Magnus hadn't tried to get in touch with Alec, but so far all of the voicemails he had left were about wanting to 'talk'. Over the past few days, and with the input of a particular shape-shifting friend, Magnus had come to realise that he didn't just want to talk to Alec; he wanted him back. He needed to persuade the Shadowhunter to come home.

But what if Alec still didn't want to talk to him? He had left quite a few messages and Alec had not yet got back to him.

Magnus pushed Chairman Meow from his lap and stood up, stretching right up onto his tip-toes and yawning. The cat narrowed his eyes in a glare before stalking off with his tail held upright in annoyance.

His phone began to buzz noisily on he glass coffee table and he went over to pick it up. It wasn't a number he recognised, which usually indicated it was a client or another Warlock needed his help,

"Bane," he answered.

"Ummm... is this Magnus Bane?" a small female voice enquired timidly.

"The one and only," he answered, a little annoyed. He hated it when strangers called his personal number.  
"Hi, I got your number from another Warlock you've helped before in the Brooklyn area. I need to talk to you urgently."  
"Who gave you my number?" Magnus demanded, more than a little annoyed that someone had taken the liberty of distributing his number willy nilly.

"That doesn't matter - I need to talk to you about Alexander Lightwood."  
Magnus jumped. Adrenaline began to course through his body and his heart thumped wildly in his chest. But he knew he had to stay calm. If Alec were in trouble it wasn't a good idea to show how much he cared.

"I'm listening," he told her, trying to make his voice sound measured and clam.

"Alexander Lightwood - the Nephilim with the black hair, blue eyes and pale skin."  
"I know what he looks like," Magnus snapped impatiently. He needed to rein it in a bit,

The voice on the other end exhaled, as if relieved. "Ok, good, so it's definitely him then. And you two are - were - a couple?"  
"Excuse me?"  
If the woman hadn't sounded quite so frightened he would probably have hung up there and then, traced the call and gone to find her to teach her a lesson about interfering in his personal business.

"You two were an item, right?" It sounded like she was being strangled and Magnus decided it would be better to answer her questions truthfully if he wanted to find out what she had to say about Alec before the turn of the next century.

"Yes, we were. It was hardly a secret. What are you getting at?"

"Well I'm really worried about him. And I know you may not want to be with him anymore, but I am hoping that you still care for him enough to help him. I think he may be in danger."

Magnus' heart seemed to stop completely for a moment, before resuming its hard, fast beat.

"If you have done anything I swear..."  
"Please! I have't done anything to hurt Alec! But someone may be about to." She was starting to panic.  
"For pity sake please just tell me what is going on. And if you lie to me I will know." He heard her give a small whimper and then clear her throat before she continued.

* * *

Jace strode into the library and saw Isabelle sat in an armchair, a small red book propped open in her lap. But she wasn't reading, merely staring off into space. Jace deliberately walked more loudly so that she would hear him and note his presence. The sound of his footsteps broke her away from her trance and she looked up at him.

"How was training?" she asked.  
"I set a tree on fire."  
She looked at him disapprovingly.

"Not on purpose! I couldn't concentrate..."  
"I know it's difficult for you without Alec at the moment and we are both worried about him, but you have to learn to control this... thing. It could be the only effective weapon we have against Sebastian."  
Jace heaved a heavy sigh and sunk down to the floor at Isabelle's feet. She pulled him towards her and bent him over so his head rested on her lap; a truly affectionate gesture you would only ever see between family.

"I know," he sighed, his frustration coming out on his breath. Isabelle ran her fingers lightly along his hairline, making him smile.  
"You used to do this when we were little," he told her, reminiscing. " When you used to make e and Alec pretend tp be your puppies." Jace smiled broadly at the memory and Izzy let out a little laugh.

"You were both so obedient as dogs. That's why I liked that game - so I could sit with you both and just be a part of your world, without you running off and 'training' without me."

"And Alec was always your Prince; I always had to be the Evil Queen. Bit ironic when you think about it."  
"I don't see how that is ironic in the slightest," she giggled.  
"I miss him, Jace. I feel like all my family is being torn away from me. First Max, and then I watched you fall in Ireland - I thought you had died too. And now Alec. It's made me realise how fragile life can be; how easy it is to lose the people you love in a blink of an eye. I know I said that he should get over Magnus and move on and that obsessing about him wasn't healthy. I know I thought all of that and I really did try to bring him round, but I'm seriously regretting it now. It's all my fault." Her voice caught and Jace looked up to see glimmering tears roll soundlessly down her smooth cheek.  
"Do you think that Magnus has broken him? Is he gone for good?" she sobbed.

"I think," Jace told her seriously, "That Alec will always have us. We will always be his family and love him. But we were wrong, Iz; we can't _fix him_. We just have to hold his hand and let him heal by himself."

Suddenly, the familiar sound of the doorbell vibrated through the library and they both looked up with a start.  
"I'll get it," he told her, giving her hands a squeeze.

Jace stepped out of the lift and stared across the church towards the large front doors, wondering who it might be when the bell rang again. And again.  
"Alright! I'm coming!" he yelled, though the doorbell continued to ring persistently as Jace pulled back the large golden bolts and swung the heavy doors open.

The annoyance on his face dropped, however, when he saw Magnus Bane stood on the front steps. He was wearing a long dark cloak and his face looked pale, devoid of any glitter, and his cat-eyes were wide and darting around nervously.

"What the hell..." but Jace didn't have time to finish his sentence before Magnus pushed past him into the church and ran towards the elevator.

"Magnus, by the Angel, what is going on?!"

The Warlock wheeled around to face him and Jace sucked in a breath; he had never seen Magnus like this before. He looked very angry, very powerful and very dangerous. Red sparks were crackling menacingly about his hands and his face contained all the fury of a hurricane.

With Magnus' sparkly, multi-coloured wardrobe and love of make-up, glitter and parties, it was sometimes too easy to forget that he was a very old, immortal and highly potent Warlock, whose demon father was by all accounts a Prince of Hell. This man was dangerous if he was your enemy.

"_You_," Magnus said coldly, the red sparks becoming brighter, "have some explaining to do."  
Jace shuddered involuntarily. He was about to ask whether Magnus had finally lost it, when there was a bright red flash and a great force hit into his chest and knocked him backwards off his feet. The force flung him violently backwards and he crashed into the now closed doors with a painful thud. His head was whipped backwards by the powerful move and it cracked unpleasantly into the hard wood. There was an intense pain and a sudden darkness.

He attempted to open his eyes a couple of times before he succeeded. When he had finally managed it, Jace noticed that his vision was a little blurred and he had a pounding headache.

_I am going to kill that crazy Warlock_.

He got up with difficulty and hurried into the elevator and up to the main part of the Institute. His first instinct was to rush to Alec's room and check his _parabatai_ was ok, but he got distracted by yelling coming from the Library. He hoped Magnus hadn't hurt Isabelle.

Jace ran into the room to find Isabelle and Magnus, stood at opposite ends of the large desk that had once belonged to their tutor, Hodge. They were both leaning over it aggressively and shouting sat each other. They noticed Jace's presence after a moment and ceased their argument, turning on him instead.

"You of all people should have been looking out for him! You stupid, arrogant little bastard!" Magnus yelled. Jace recoiled a little, trying to process the information. Magnus was still looking murderous, but he didn't seem to be conjuring anything at the moment so Jace felt a little safer.

"Hey, that's not fair," Jace responded. "My parentage may have been in question until recently, but my mother and father were definitely married. Yours on the other hand, Warlock..."  
Magnus let out a growl and started towards him angrily. Izzy jumped around the desk as fast as lightening and grabbed the Warlock by his arm, holding him back.  
"Magnus, don't! It won't help anyone, least of all Alec!"

The Warlock stopped in his tracks, barely able to contain his rage.

"He has definitely lost it. He knocked me out just now - I've got a really bad headache because of him."

Isabelle shot Jace a warning look, telling him to leave it alone.

"You deserved it!" Magnus barked.

"I let you in and you attacked me. Psychopath."

Magnus wheeled around towards Isabelle, fury darkening his features.  
"I want to see him!" he demanded.

Isabelle looked over at Jace questioningly.  
"Absolutely not," Jace told the Warlock calmly, "Not when you are this angry."  
Magnus let out a shriek of annoyance and red sparks flew from his fingertips.  
"Now tell me what is going on. What is all this about? I am assuming you have heard something about Alec?"

At the sound of Alec's name, Magnus' face dropped as if all the energy had been sucked from him; he crumpled up and sunk into one of the chairs next to the desk, despair painted across his face. He looked beyond sad and Jace felt his heart go out to him; this was a man who looked like he would never smile and be happy again.

"I got a phone call from a Warlock who works at a club in Harlem. She said she knew Alec and thought that he might be mixed up in some trouble."  
Jace shot Izzy a knowing look, which she returned. The Ifrit drugs den was located in Harlem.

Magnus looked up at them both angrily. "Imagine my reaction, when one of my contacts calls me to let me know that my boyfriend is doing _yin fen_ and hanging around with a dodgy Vampire." There was a lot of bitterness in his voice.

"_Ex_-boyfriend," Jace pointed out. Isabelle and Magnus both looked at him cuttingly.

"Shut up Jace!" Isabelle ordered.

"Wait - a Vampire? What Vampire?" Jace asked, perplexed. This was the first time he had heard of Vampires.

"Oooh, something the immeasurable Jace Herondale doesn't know..." Magnus muttered under his breath, though deliberately loud enough for them all to hear. The Warlock dropped his head into his hands.

"It's Lightwood, Warlock and don't you forget it. Alec is my brother as well as my _parabatai_ so don't you dare think for one moment that we just let him do these things. We have been trying to help him. It's been hard on us too - we've been going insane with worry."

"Aw, poor babies. Forgive me that I don't feel sorry for you. Alec is slowly killing himself, but how callous of me to not stop for one minute and think of the effect it us having on the two of you."

"Magnus - what Vampire? We don't know anything about a Vampire, honestly. We knew about the drugs and I am really very sorry we didn't tell you about it sooner. But you have to see it from out point of view. You broke up with him Magnus. It was because you broke his heart that he started taking these stupid drugs in the first place. The last thing we wanted to do was involve you anymore than we had to." Isabelle spoke to Magnus with a wisdom and calmness well beyond her years.

"So it's my fault?" Magnus whispered, as if he couldn't quite believe it.

"This is no time for blame, Magnus. You came here because you thought Alec might be in danger, so please hurry up and tell us what you have heard. Because we thought there had been an improvement over the past couple of days, so if you have heard anything to the contrary we need to know. Now."

"She told me that the Vampire he had been hanging around with - really shady character by the way and fairly well known on the Downworlder drugs scene - had gone into her club with some of his cronies and bought a heap-load of various drugs for some big party tonight up on Vinegar Hill. They were talking about Alec being there. Being highly inappropriate about him - how sexy and easy he was and how he knew how to have a good time..."  
"And we are sure they were talking about Alec?" Jace interrupted, though he immediately regretted sounding so nasty. Now was not a good time to joke. Magnus shot him a contemptuous look and continued.  
"... and how if they had known how incapacitated Nephilim got with just a few drugs in their system how they would be in charge of the Accords. My contact seemed to think that Alec may be in more trouble than he realised. She said this didn't sound like it was going to be your typical illegal rave."

Magnus looked at Jace sternly and he immediately got the hint, turning on his heel and dashing out of the library. Magnus and Isabelle were soon behind him, but he was faster nad had a head start so he reached Alec's room first.

"Alec, it's me. Can I come in?" Jace yelled as he knocked furiously at Alec's door. There was no reply so Jace continued to knock as Isabelle and Magnus arrived. She bent over his outstretched arm and pushed the door handle; the door opened easily and the three of them rushed inside.

Jace wasn't surprised at all to see that Alec wasn't there, but it still made his heart sink. He had hoped above anything to find Alec in his room.

"Come on," Magnus told them hurriedly and walked straight back out of the room, not pausing to wait for them,

"Wait!" Jace yelled after him. "We will need some weapons."

They rode the subway over to Brooklyn in an uncomfortable silence.

"Why didn't you just portal us there?" Jace enquired, genuinely curious, though he did think he sounded a little impatient. He was just worried about reaching Alec before anything bad could happen.

"Because, blockhead, magic is exhausting. And I want to be able to have my full strength for when we get over to that warehouse. We don't know what we will find. Vampire parties are always unsavourily unpredictable."

"Well maybe I wouldn't be such a blockhead if you hadn't given me a serious head injury earlier. Which is still hurting by the way."

Magnus didn't look up at him; the Warlock just stared downwards at his hands. "Sorry..." he mumbled under his breath and none of them said another word for the remainder of their journey.

* * *

Alec paused and looked at the great iron and brick structure he had been directed to. Dusk hadn't fallen all that long ago and the sky was an intense dark blue. The entire place looked like no one had stepped foot here for many years, but could hear the faintest hint of music coming from inside. He squinted hard, trying to peel away any glamours, but the building remained the same; he guessed the place actually was this shabby.

Alec gripped the hilt of his seraph blade concealed within the pocket of his pants, for could really do with one of Clary's fearless runes about now.

The Vampire was waiting for him just inside the complex, wearing a supercilious smile and gazing at him languidly.

"I've been waiting for you," he purred. Alec gulped, not really knowing what to say.  
"Look, the only reason I came here..." he began.  
"I know why you've come," the Vampire interrupted. "You want this - whatever this is - to end between us?"  
Alec nodded, his face feeling very hot.

"Well that's fine," the Vampire told him with a shrug. "I had hoped you would change your mind, but I can't say I wasn't expecting it." He smiled warmly at Alec and the Shadowhunter felt a wave of relief sweep through him.

"Thank you for understanding. And thank you for everything you have done for me; you really have tried to help me. I know you're a Vampire and I am Nephilim, but we are all on the same side in this war that os coming so it would be great if we could stay friends. Maybe we could hang out some time?"  
"Well, we could hang out now. You've come all the way here after all, and I've brought some really good stuff with me. Let's make a night of it before you have to go away and become all goody goody Nephilim again."

Alec pondered the offer briefly. He did always have a great time with the Vampire and he supposed that one last, cheeky, big night wouldn't hurt in the long run, especially if he was going to get back to training and try to sort everything out with Magnus. He felt like he had finally let go of his sorrow and that deserved a celebration.

"Sure," Alec said, smiling at the Vampire.

The music inside was so loud that Alec could barely hear himself think. The Vampire dragged him over to the far corner of the room to a group of battered and cracked dark leather couches. They may have been coloured, but the only source of light was that bouncing from the neon laser beams, making it difficult to tell.

"You stay here! I'll get us some drinks!" the Vampire yelled in Alec's ear, temporarily deafening him. Alec smiled, nodded and gave his companion a thumbs up. The Vampire left and drifted eerily towards the bar that extended across an entire quarter of the left hand wall.

Alec looked around, surveying his surroundings. Unlike the other places they had been, which seemed to be rather generic Downworlder haunts, this place was swarming with Children of the Night. Definitely a Vampire club; Alec wasn't able to spot a single Warlock or Fairy amongst the throng. On second inspection he noticed that the majority of bodies were tangled together, rubbing up against each other scandalously close. And he couldn't see a single heterosexual couple. All of the dancers clung together in single sex pairings.

_A Gay Vampire club?_

Alec fumbled nervously with his seraph blade, which was starting to feel uncomfortable where it was jammed into his pocket, digging into his thigh. He removed it and placed it on the couch next to him where he could keep an eye on it, and instantly felt much better and more comfortable.

The Vampire returned carrying two bright green drinks and passed one to Alec. He gave it a sniff and instantly knew it was laced with some sort of spell, though he had no idea what its effects could be. The Vampire raised an eyebrow in question to the seraph blade now lying in plain view next to Alec.

"Were you expecting trouble?" the Vampire asked him, shouting to be heard over the din. His lips were curled into a thin smile and Alec felt himself blush, hoping the Vampire wouldn't notice his embarrassment.  
"I almost always carry it on me, being Nephilim," Alec lied. "Guess it's just habit!'

Alec took a sip of his drink and the sweetness of apple flavouring filled his mouth, followed by the unmistakeable taste of alcohol, which he thought may be rum, that hit the back of his throat and burned as he swallowed it down. The sweetness of the apples somewhat masked the familiar burnt sugar taste of magic.

The Vampire pulled out his packet of _yin fen_. The powder seemed to have an unearthly glow in this light and he poured a hefty amount in each of their drinks. Alec hoped briefly that he wouldn't be kicked out of this place for falling asleep, because this amount of the drug usually sent him to his dreams.

"Here is to special friendships!' the Vampire toasted, raising his glass skywards and angling it towards Alec. Alec clinked his glass with the other man's and they both took long gulps. He began to feel sleepy almost immediately; it was such a wonderful and carefree feeling. And with the music and atmosphere around them, it felt truly incredible.

The Vampire scooted over so that he was seated next to and very close to the Shadowhunter. Alec saw him pull something from his pocket that glimmered and he watched on in amazement as the Vampire injected a cloudy fluid into the crook of his own left arm.

He turned to face Alec, holding up the needle so the metal caught the neon light and shone at him, a smile and a questioning look on his face. Alec shook his head, not sure he wanted to partake.

"Oh go on!" the Vampire yelled at him through the noise. "It's a Mundane drug but it's amazing! And it will stop you from falling asleep!"  
Alec was sceptical, suddenly having a flashback of the Vampire injecting him with something that first night they had spent together in the Ifrit den. But before Ale knew what was happening the Vampire had pulled the sleeve of his shirt up and was prepping the needle agains one of Alec's veins. He briefly thought about protesting and pulling his arm away, but his reactions were a little slow from the effects of the _yin fen_ and the Vampire seemed to move too quickly. He felt a sharp scratch and then a cooling sensation flowing through his lower arm. And the Vampire had been right, it did feel amazing. Alec felt energetic and at peace all at the same time.

Then the night seemed to pass in flashes. He was up on the dance floor, dancing closely not just with the Vampire he knew, but countless strangers. Then he was back at the couches, his Vampire companion drinking from the vein in his neck and sending waves of pleasure through his body. Then he was dancing once more; then leaning over the bar as more silvery powder was poured into his drink.

He was sat on a couch and downing his drink, his Vampire friend sat close to him and smoothing his hair. Alec thought about pushing him away, but the contact felt nice. The Vampire briefly pulled from him and started to undo his flies and Alec looked at him stunned.  
"Hey, come on! None of that!" Alec slurred at him. But the Vampire continued what he was doing; he pulled down his dark pants and leant over Alec, causing the Shadowhunter to fall backwards onto the sofa, pinned under the Vampire's body weight.  
Alec tried to push him away, laughing at the absurdity of the situation, but for some reason he was not able to shift him.

He could feel his hardness against him and panic rose up in Alec's throat as he tried to struggle away from the contact.  
"Stop! No! Please!" he yelled at the Vampire, not sure if he could even be heard. The Vampire persisted and Alec flailed his arm in the direction of the Vampire's face, striking him hard and making him fall backwards slightly. Alec tried to scramble from underneath him but he was still pinned by the Vampire's legs. He couldn't work out where all his strength had gone.

The Vampire held his jaw and laughed. Alec looked up at him in horror as he yelled something out into the crowd. Suddenly, there were hands on him, holding him down. Two or three other Vampires had caught hold of him and spun him around so he was face down and held him in place there. He tried to struggle against them but he couldn't move.

Then the sandy-haired Vampire leant over him again and roughly thrust into him. Alec screamed, though he couldn't hear any sound coming from his lips, completely drowned out by the loud music.

They held him down as the Vampire roughly, violently had his way. It hurt so much; like he was being burned on the inside. Alec felt a stinging sensation in his neck as another Vampire bit him and he began to cry. How could he have been so stupid to let this happen. Why hadn't he kept hold of his seraph blade?

He managed to hit one of the bodies holding him and get his right arm free, but it was quickly re-captured and he felt a horrible pain course up his arm as he was administered another injection. He cried out again. He wasn't sure what he said.

His attacker was laughing coldly and manically as he struck Alec forcefully across the side of his face. The Shoadwhunter felt dizzy and sick as he was hit again, this time by someone who was holding him down. The world spun and he could feel only pain and despair.

_I'm going to die._

The assault continued and he could smell and taste blood clouding around him. His own blood. He couldn't see anymore, only try to blindly endure what was going on. The blows rained down on him relentlessly, thick and fast.

_I deserve to die for being so stupid._

A cold feeling ripped through his insides as the Vampire continued to thrust. And then another sensation of cold penetrated his arm as he was shot with more of the Mundane drug and a blackness hit him as if he had fallen face first into a brick wall.  
The last thing he saw before he fell unconscious was a bright flash of something red and fiery all around him, accompanied by the familiar smell of burnt sugar. He felt sick and exhausted and he let oblivion claim him, thankful that he no longer had to endure any pain.

**I am so sorry that this chapter has taken so long to get to you, but I am currently sunning myself in the beautiful Canary Islands and haven't been able to get a decent internet connection.**

**That and this chapter was very difficult to write because it is very horrible!**

**Please let me know your thoughts - as always feedback is so greatly appreciated! Even if you think I am an utter b***h for putting your favourite characters through hell, I want to know!**

**Thank you to everyone who has favourited, followed and left reviews so far. I promise that it WILL get better from now on!**

**There is a light at the end of the tunnel! :-D**


	10. Chapter 10

They walked in as quietly as they could, though no one paid them much notice; the music was so loud it didn't really have any tune and it vibrated around the cavernous room that was filled with Vampires rubbing up against each other.

Jace looked about anxiously, trying desperately to find Alec in the crowd, but every face was unfamiliar to him. He glanced over at Magus, who was stood to his left, between himself and Isabelle. The Warlock's face was pale and anxious, but set and determined too. He began to push on ahead through the dense crowd of Vampires and Jace looked over at Izzy and inclined his head, indicating that they should follow him.

This really wasn't the kind of place you would expect to find Alec. His _parabatai_ despised loud dance music and Jace briefly recalled the night he had first met Clary at the Pandemonium Club in Manhattan; Alec had kept complaining about the music and the general ambience, turning his nose up at the whole place.

Suddenly, Jace was aware of a cold hand touching his own and he stopped abruptly to see a young-looking Vampire with close-cropped dark hair and big light eyes, which Jace could briefly see were a vibrant pale blue under the odd lighting of the Warehouse. The Vampire smiled at Jace and in a fast movement, stepped towards him in time with the music and began to rub himself up against him. Jace recoiled and pulled out his long dagger. The Vampire looked at him in horror and stumbled backwards away from him, holding up his hands and shaking his head, clearly not wanting to fight.

Jace felt an odd vibration off to his left. He looked over to find Magnus and Isabelle there, standing very close to him. The Warlock was laughing at him and Isabelle punched him in the arm. Magnus turned sharply towards her and mouthed an "ouch". When Jace looked back, the Vampire was gone, disappeared into the crowd.

As they all peeled away, led now by Isabelle who was pushing Vampires aside rudely, Magnus leaned in to him and yelled in his ear, painfully deafening him as the Warlock tried to make himself heard over the noise.  
"Try not to murder every guy who comes onto you in here, ok? We don't want to get into trouble with the Clave."  
Jace was about to shout a witty retort back at Magnus when he heard Izzy's voice carry over the din.

"Alec!" she screamed, her voice wavered and she darted on ahead of them. Jace looked over into the direction she ran and could make out a crowd of Vampires gathered around a set of couches up against one of the walls. There was a lot of commotion and a lot of fists and legs flying and attacking a small, pale creature in the centre. The horrific realisation dawned on both Jace and Magnus at the same time. It was Alec.

He and the Warlock raced over to him, brutally shoving Vampires aside. Isabelle kicked one of them roughly in the chest and it flew through the air with the force of her blow. They didn't seem able to reach Alec in the middle of the commotion, but Jace could see he was lying limply across the couch, unconscious. His face was a bloodied mess and his clothes were torn about his body. Jace's throat seized up at the sight of his _parabatai_ looking so helpless.

Suddenly, a Vampire was upon him. It slashed a switch-blade towards his face and he just about managed to dodge the blow in time. He could feel that all too familiar tingling sensation begin to course through his veins and he was posed with a conundrum; did he try to control his power and attack the Vampires who had hurt Alec and risk burning down the entire place? Or should he flee? As Jace began to glow with the heavenly fire, the Vampires that surrounded him began to back away in fear and disbelief.

His train of thought was interrupted, however, when he caught sight of Magnus out of the corner of his eye. The Warlock flung his arm and a wave of red light in Alec's direction, managing to hit into a Vampire with light hair who had been seated directly over his friend and was likely to be the main instigator.

The music suddenly ceased and the lights came up sharply. Jace was able to observe his surroundings more clearly now. The place was a dump. All sticky wooden floors and battered leather couches dotted around the edges. Everything seemed to go still and Jace found himself counting to ten and trying to calm himself down like he had practiced with Jordan. It wouldn't help to set the entire building on fire.

Magnus stalked over to the Vampire he had hit away and off Alec with his powerful spell, his face a murderous rage. Jace briefly thought about trying to stop him; but he needed to calm down. After all, this Vampire had hurt Alec and in his mind he completely deserved the full fury of the High Warlock.

The Vampire whimpered on the floor and tried to scramble away from Magnus' approaching vengeful figure. But there was no escape. The crowd of Vampires looked on in horror, chattering and screaming but not daring to move to help the one on the floor.

Magnus produced a ball of fire in his right hand and lobbed it at the Vampire with a blood-curdling cry. The Vampire seemed to explode, his whole body going up in flames. He was writhing on the floor in agony as the fire consumed him completely. Magus looked on silently, his eyes fixed mercilessly on the burning body. All noise stopped and an eery silence seeped in around them; the only sounds were the shrieks from the burning Vampire, though those too ceased eventually as the flames claimed its life.

_Well at least it wasn't me who set anything on fire..._

In the quiet that ensued, Isabelle broke away from the crowd and ran to her brother. Jace saw her pull up his pants, trying to conserve his dignity, though his _parabatai's_ body looked so broken and hurt that he wasn't sure if she was potentially causing him more physical damage. Jace had to get over there and help; he had to calm himself down.

He heard Isabelle scream. She was holding Alec to her as he convulsed wildly. It was a horrific sight and Jace felt like his heart had stopped.  
"Magnus! Jace!" she yelled out, trying to prevent her brother from falling to the floor. Jace ran over, not caring whether he was going to burn anything any more. His brother needed him. Stele in hand Jace knelt on the floor beside Alec, who was fitting relentlessly in his sister's arms. Jace only knew how to do one thing; he drew an iratze on Alec's lower arm, but the mark disappeared as he drew it, causing him to curse inwardly. This was just like the time Alec had been poisoned by a greater demon. They had almost lost him that day. If it hadn't been for Magnus, Alec wouldn't have made it.

_Magnus_

"Magnus! Get over here now!" Jace yelled over to the Warlock, who was stood stoically over the ashes of the burnt Vampire. It was like Jace's voice woke him from a trance and he bounded over to them, recoiling as he saw the state of Alec.

"Healing runes aren't working. We need to get him out of here. Magnus, you have to heal him. I think we're losing him."  
Isabelle wailed as blood gushed from Alec's mouth.

Magnus whipped off his cloak and went over to Alec and he and Isabelle draped the long dark material around him.

The warehouse had emptied pretty quickly once they had seen Magnus kill the Vampire, though there were still a few Night's Children dotted around the place, looking on warily.

"If you all know what's good for you, you will stand back!" Jace shouted into the deserted room, as Magnus conjured up a portal. Alec had become very still now and Isabelle clung to him more tightly than ever as she sobbed. Magnus seemed to just be staring at him, too afraid to touch him.

Jace stood and bundled up Alec's broken body in his arms and darted through the portal as quickly as he could. His brother felt like a rag doll, too light and limp in his arms.

He came out on the other side and found himself in Magnus' apartment. Isabelle and Magnus ran through the portal a moment later before it closed with a zipping sound.

Everything happened so quickly. Magnus conjuring what appeared to be a high bed in the middle of the room, which Jace lay Alec upon; Isabelle collapsing to the floor and crying; Magnus muttering in an odd language and sparking blue light through his hands around Alec's unconscious body.

Jace felt like he was in a bubble, as if he was standing and watching the commotion from the other side of a thick glass window.

"Jace, come here!" Magnus voice carried to him and he hurried over. Magnus' face was wet with perspiration and tears and he looked very pale.  
"Try another rune. He's over-dosed on some sort of drug but I think I've got most of that out of him now. I'm almost exhausted though..."

Jace pulled out his stele and drew another healing rune on Alec's chest. This time, the iratze stayed where it was for a moment before it began to fade and he saw Alec take in a deep breath. Relief spread through him; at least he was breathing.  
He saw Magnus wobble a little out of the corner of his eye and Jace moved quickly to prevent the Warlock from tumbling over.

Isabelle came over to them and checked Alec's vitals.

"His pulse is really weak. He's not out of danger - Jace, draw another rune." She appeared to have recovered a little now. Jace did as she told him, making sure Magnus was holding onto the side of the bed and wouldn't fall over when Jace stopped supporting his weight. The rune stayed there for a couple of seconds, but also disappeared like the last one.

Isabelle checked Alec's pulse once more and her face went deathly white.

"Something's wrong. There's no improvement."

"The drugs are preventing the runes from working properly. It looks like he's had a lot of different kinds - I can't quite work out what. He's bleeding internally; we need to stop it soon or he will die," Magnus panted. He looked so ill that Jace thought he was going to throw up.

"Can't you try healing him again?" Jace asked desperately.

"I need more energy..." the Warlock said as he breathed heavily. It looked like he was in excruciating pain.

"Then take mine," Jace told him firmly, proffering his hand, but Magnus shook his head in defeat.  
"It's too dangerous with that fire of yours. I have no idea what would happen to either of us or Alec if I used your energy."

"Hey!" Isabelle yelled at them and they both turned to face her. She looked at them both angrily and held out her arm to Magnus.  
"Take mine. I'm his sister for goodness sake! How dare you both conspire to save him without me!" She was incredibly angry, but Magnus took her arm immediately and Jace saw their hands, where they were connected, glow a beautiful blue for a good few minutes before Isabelle sunk to her knees in exhaustion and broke the contact.

Magnus' eyes were now shining and it looked as though he had been re-born. Sparks pulsed impatiently around his fingertips, as if he couldn't contain the magic. He placed his hands over Alec once more and began to mutter unknown healing words; swirls of blue mist accentuated with little sparks flowed into Alec's body.

Jace went over to where Isabelle was slumped on the floor and joined her there, placing his arm comfortingly around her and she smiled a weak smile at him.  
"He will be alright now - I know he will," Jace reassured her.  
"I hope so..." she sighed as she dropped her head onto his shoulder.

They stayed sat on the floor of Magnus' living room, looking up at the Warlock performing numerous healing spells upon Alec until the sun started to come up, casting long orange streams of light across the apartment. Izzy had fallen asleep on his shoulder.

Finally, Magnus stopped, looking exhausted once more; his face drawn and grey. He heaved a big sigh and proclaimed, "I can't do any more for him now. He could do with another healing rune to try and lessen the superficial damage to his face, but the rest of the drugs will just have to work their way out of his system by themselves."

Jace shook Isabelle lightly and she snapped into consciousness. He got up and rushed over to them, thankful to be standing up to ease the cramp in his legs, and drew another _iratze_ onto Alec's throat. He watched the mark in trepidation, but this time it glowed slightly and stayed in place. Jace sighed loudly in relief as some of the cuts across his _parabatai's_ face closed and dark bruises began to form.

"But he's ok now? The internal injuries..."  
"Are mostly healed now. I won't be able to re-assess for any further damage until he wakes up. Which, by the look of him, will be a while. And I need to rest too."

"Magnus, I know this may not be the best idea in the world," Isabelle said timidly as she got up and went over to the Warlock, placing her hand softly on his shoulder. "But we can't risk taking him back to the Institute like this. If mum and dad were to see there would be questions and..."  
"Of course, he will stay here," Magnus interrupted, though not unkindly. "Withdrawal from _yin fen_ is horrific and very painful."

"Yeah, we know..." Jace muttered aloud.

"I could probably help him better here than at the Institute, unless you think a trip to the Silent City would be beneficial."  
Isabelle shook her head, not quite picking up on the Warlock's sarcasm. She was probably too tired.  
"Help me move him to his bed, Jace." Magnus told him. The Warlock could really be very caring and kind when he wasn't pissed off and it was so obvious how much Alec meant to him. If only the two of them would just talk to each other.

"You think Alec will be ok waking up in your bed?" Jace asked. He hadn't meant for it to sound nasty, though Magnus winced slightly at his words.  
The Warlock looked him in the eye, weary and sad. Jace felt a great pity for the man, who so clearly loved his brother and now obviously blamed himself for everything that had happened.

"I will take one of the guest rooms. He really will be more comfortable in bed."

Jace nodded his agreement and scooped up Alec easily in his arms and carried him towards the main bedroom.

Alec was sleeping peacefully now and Izzy sat on the side of the bed next to him and swept his dark hair away from his face. She let out a gasp and both he and Magnus practically fell on top of them both with a panicked concern.

"Look at his _hair_," she whispered. Jace touched his fingertip to where Isabelle's brushed her brother's hair a moment ago. Just behind his ear the hair there was a startling silver colour.

"It's an effect of the _yin fen_," Magnus told them as he peered over and looked too. "It should turn back when the drug is completely out of his system."  
The Warlock seemed unconcerned, so Jace supposed they oughtn't worry either.

"I always told him he would go grey before me," Jace smiled over at Isabelle. She looked relieved that Jace had broken the tension.

"Can I get you tea or coffee?" Magnus asked them suddenly.

"Coffee would be great," Isabelle said as she drew herself up from the bed. "I'm going to need some caffeine so I don't fall asleep on the subway."

As they left the bedroom, Jace had a feeling that although Alec was out of danger now, it would take a while longer before he was alright. Maybe his brother would never be ok again. But he had to hope; without Alec he was sure there would be disastrous consequences. It was like Alec was a key piece of the puzzle and without him, Jace wouldn't stand a chance against Sebastian.

* * *

Magnus had told them that he would sleep in a guest room, but he had been lying. He did not intend to leave Alec alone for a moment longer than he had to. So aside from the occasional bathroom break and the few times he really hadn't been able to keep his eyes open, Magnus had remained sat in a small wicker chair at the end of the bed. He watched Alec sleep, trying to sort everything out in his mind.

How could he have done this to someone so innocent and wonderful who had loved him? Magnus was not ashamed to admit he had shed a good few silent tears whilst he had watched Alec lying there, battered and unconscious. Magnus was beginning to wonder whether he even wanted Alec to wake up, because when he did there would be a world of pain awaiting him.

But he was determined. Even if Alec didn't want him; even if he didn't want to come home to him, Magnus would help him. He would make amends and try to fix all the damage he had unintentionally caused. It was the least he could do.

Suddenly, Alec began to cough violently. Magnus ran to him and held him upright, holding a handkerchief to his lips to catch the blood his wracked body was bringing up. The Shadowhunter's withdrawal from the _yin fen_ had begun; there would be a lot more of this and Magnus knew how much pain Alec would be in as the drugs slowly dissipated from his system.

"Magnus please..."

The Warlock looked down at him, cradled in his arms. Alec had been unconscious for so long, Magnus was surprised that he was aware of the Warlock's presence.

"It's ok, baby, I've got you," he told him firmly, tears clouding his eyes.  
"Don't leave... come back..."

_He's dreaming._

"Alec, can you hear me?" he asked him.  
"Magnus?"  
"Yes, it's me, my love."  
"I love you."  
Magnus had to choke back tears.  
"I love you too Alexander, and I am here for you. Everything will be ok now."

Magnus stroked Alec's hair and the young man sighed into his touch, as though he could no longer feel any pain.

Another quick spell to try and numb anything that hurt and Alec fell backwards into the softness of the pillows and slept some more.

Magnus' phone started to buzz in his pocket.

"Hello?"  
"Hi Magnus!"  
Tessa's voice was far too cheerful for the situation, but then again she didn't know what had happened so he could hardly blame her.

"Hi Tessa, how are you?" he sighed into the phone. Partly annoyed that he now had to take his full attention away from Alec, but also partly relieved for the company.  
"What's wrong?" she asked him worriedly.  
"Well, I currently have Alec lying in my bed..."  
"And you don't seem too pleased?"

Magnus took a deep breath and tried to explain the events of the previous night.

"Is he ok now?"  
"I don't know. Physically, I'm sure he will be ok; he just needs rest. But mentally? Emotionally? I've no idea. Why would he do this to himself, Tessa?"  
"I have never understood why anyone would take that horrible stuff of their own free will. We do know someone who may be able to help him though, Magnus..."  
"No. I can't risk that; he may go to the Clave and I will not have Alec get into trouble for this. It's my fault Tessa. I don't have all the answers; I wouldn't want to second guess his motives. But Isabelle told me that he started taking drugs to ease the pain of his broken heart."

"Oh, Magnus, you don't know if that's true."  
"I broke his heart. It was me."  
Magnus realised he was crying.

"Magnus, dear, you can't blame yourself; it won't do either of you any good. The main thing is that you want to be with him. You wanted to talk to him and persuade him to come back to you and now you have the perfect opportunity. You have to 'keep looking forward'. You taught me that."  
"As always, Tessa, you are a voice of reason..."  
Alec began coughing violently again.  
"Tessa I have to go."  
"Of course. Go to him, Magnus."

"Thanks Tessa, goodbye."  
"Bye Magnus. Speak soon."

As Magnus held Alec close to him, trying to comfort him through his agony, he wondered if whether Alec would want to re-kindle their relationship. Perhaps Magnus had been too hasty to end it between them, but their issues wouldn't have just disappeared. There would still be questions of trust, maybe even more so now. Magnus had kept telling himself that Alec had been forced into taking drugs, but all the evidence supported the contrary.

And, of course, there was still that looming dark cloud: Magnus' immortality. Hadn't that been the main cause of tension in their relationship? He was till no closer to finding that elusive spell in the Book of the White. The book did not work how you would expect. One did not just flip through each page until one encountered the spell desired; the book chose what it would show you. It perhaps contained more wisdom and magical knowledge than anyone could ever imagine. In the wrong hands it would be devastating.

Magnus got up from the chair and hastily went into the main room, uttering a small spell over the drawers in his desk and opening them. He took out the Book of the White and returned to the bedroom. Alec hadn't moved.

Magnus sat on the edge of the small seat and tried to concentrate. He absolutely would find that spell. He didn't necessarily have to use it. But if he could just find out how it worked then he would at least be ready if the time did come. If he could get Alec back. If Alec did, once again, want to share his life with him.

"Magnus?"  
Alec's voice, raw and scratchy, startled him and he placed the book on the floor and went over to him, perching on the side of the bed. The Warlock conjured a small glass of water.  
"Here Alexander, drink this," he told Alec, tipping the glass against his dry lips. Alec drank hungrily.

Then he began to cough once again and Magnus had to whip the glass away and make it vanish less it would spill over the bed. He held the Shadowhunter close in his arms once more as Alec convulsed with the harshness of the cough.

"Magnus?!" Alec's startled cry made him jump and Magnus saw that he was holding out his hand in alarm, seeing it covered in blood.  
The Warlock loosened his hold and sat back a little. He took Alec's bloodied hand into his own and wiped away the red stain with his white shirt sleeve. It would never come out, he knew, but he didn't care.  
"Shhh, it's ok. Don't be afraid, Alec. It is just a side-effect of withdrawal from _yin fen_." Magnus instinctively traced his hand along Alec's cheek and he felt the Shadowhunter go still for a moment, startled by the contact.

"Y-you know about that?" Alec stammered at him, clearly confused.

"I know," Magnus admitted.

Alec began to cough again, but he held out his hand, signalling for Magnus to keep away from him this cough didn't last too long and Alec gasped and drew in a deep breath.  
"You were there at the Warehouse, weren't you?"

Magnus nodded solemnly.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to..." tears sprung from his eyes, making the blueness there shimmer.  
"You didn't mean to what?" Magnus whispered to him, tentatively stroking his arm and trying to comfort him, to reassure him.

"That Vampire. I didn't want to. I didn't mean to cheat on you..." he sobbed, hiding his face in the pillow.  
Magnus' breath caught in his throat.  
"Cheat on me?" he asked incredulously.  
"But I didn't want to! I tried to make him stop, but he wouldn't. I couldn't make it stop. But I tried!" Alec began to sob. Harsh, soulful sobs that seemed to tear through his entire body like a destructive storm.

Magnus pulled Alec towards him and held him tightly. The Shadowhunter tried to pull away, but he wouldn't let him.

"Alec, please... I saw what happened. You don't need to explain. I saw that vile creature rape you. And I killed it. I killed it Alec, it's ok."

Alec began to sob more loudly and wail into Magnus' shoulder.

"It's all my fault, it's all my fault..."

Alec kept repeating those words as Magnus cast a sleeping spell. He couldn't take much more of it and he needed to worry about Alec's physical health. He needed to rest.

"It's not your fault. It's mine," he whispered against Alec's cheek as the Shadowhunter slept, now seemingly peacefully and hopefully dreamlessly, in his arms.

**Thanks for all those reviews people! Keep them coming! I have deliberately kept this chapter quite short, as the last one was rather long. I did promise light at the end of the tunnel and I hope this is evident now. Hope you enjoyed!**


	11. Chapter 11

_Magnus was sat on the ground, his face illuminated by the orange glow as the city burned._

_"It's oddly beautiful, isn't it?" the Warlock said dreamily as Alec approached him._

_"I think it's horrible," Alec admitted. He sat down next to Magnus, feeling the coolness of the grass beneath him.  
"Then why keep coming back here, Alexander?"  
He looked at him, his face grave and serious and so different to how it usually looked when he came to this dream place.  
"To see you. I think you are beautiful. I like being here with you."_

_Alec stretched out his hand, but couldn't seem to reach him, as if Magnus were made of nothing, as if he were a ghost._

_"You would rather be here with me than with the real Magnus? All of this, Alexander," the Warlock gestured around, "is not real. It's just a dream; a prayer made of nothing but hope and smoke."_

_"That's kind of harsh..."_

_Magnus gave a short laugh._

_"And why would I dream of Alicante burning to the ground? Why would I hope for that?"  
"Perhaps," Magnus said as he stood and held out his hands for Alec to take, "it is an omen. Perhaps, you are having a vision of the destruction that may be around the corner." Magnus pulled him to his feet and Alec was glad the Warlock was now a bit more substantial as he folded himself into his arms and kissed him lightly on the cheek_

_"But I don't have the answers. I am just you after all, not the real Magnus Bane. I am a part of your imagination, Alexander. I would suggest you talk to him and tell him of this place. Our hopes and dreams may one day become a reality, but only if you make it so."_

_"Something bad happened. I'm not sure he would want me any more. I'm not sure he ever wanted me to be honest. I feel so embarrassed and guilty..."  
"Shhh... he is with you. Can't you feel it? He is watching you sleep. He is afraid for you; afraid of what you did to yourself. Would he be here now if there wasn't the slightest hope? He watches you dream and wonders. You should share this dream with him."_

_Alec pulled away._

_"For a figment of my imagination, you sound an awful lot like him, you know."_

_"It's time to wake up now Alec. You can't keep returning here if you really want to be with him. You must face the consequences for your actions."_

_With that, Alec felt the hillside disappear in a swirl of blue smoke around him. He was being dragged into nothingness and a searing pain coursed through his head, burning his eyes. He cried out into the blackness for Magnus, pleading for him to stay. But there was no answer; only darkness and pain._

* * *

"Please don't leave me! Magnus I love you, please stay!"

A cold wetness covered his burning head and relieved the pain there a little.

"Shhh, it's ok, I'm here. I'm not going anywhere baby," Magnus' soft voice told him. He sounded eerily close and strangely real. Alec opened his eyes, a bright light stinging them.

He was no longer on the hill, but indoors somewhere warm.

"Magnus?" he spoke aloud with trepidation.

"Yes, it's me."

His vision began to focus and he could make out Magnus' face above his, looking down at him and pressing something cool to his forehead.  
"The real you?" he asked, feeling instantly stupid  
But Magnus just smiled at him. "Of course, it's the real me. There is definitely only one of me - I am unique."  
"You would be surprised..." Alec muttered.

The Warlock looked pale and exhausted, not shining and beautiful as he did in Alec's dream.

"Were you dreaming of me, Alexander?" he asked softly.  
"I always dream of you. But they're not dreams; they are hopes. Little scraps of my heart materialised."

Magnus sucked in a surprised breath. He was definitely rambling, as if only half of him were conscious.

"It hurts..." Alec strangled out, a new wave of pain stabbing his head and radiating throughout his entire body.

"OK, let me help."

Magnus pulled away from him, removing the cold compress from his brow and returning a moment later with a large syringe. Alec looked on in horror, a feeling of nausea passing through him bringing a stinging bile to his throat.

"No!" he cried out and flailed at the Warlock, knocking the syringe from his hand. Magnus looked at him puzzled for a moment before realisation washed over his expression.  
Alec was panting heavily as Magnus stroked his cheek carefully, trying to calm him.

"It's alright, I won't hurt you. It's just something for the pain, Alec."  
"Please! I don't want it! Please don't!" Alec sobbed. His heart was pounding against his ribs.  
"Of course, it was really stupid of me. You don't have to. I won't do anything you don't want me to."

Alec felt relieved and comforted by Magnus' reassurance and his body relaxed, making him fall backwards and sink down into the pillows. He didn't want any more unnatural, horrible stuff in his body, whether it was going to help with pain or not. In fact, the greatest thing Alec had learnt over the past few weeks was that drugs only masked the hurt; they did not cure, they made it worse.

"Magnus, I need to explain, I need to apologise and try to put everything right. I've been so stupid and I've really made a mess of things..."  
Alec paused when he saw Magnus' beautiful feline eyes filled with glistening tears.  
"Magnus I'm so sorry. For everything. Look what I'm putting you through now."  
The Warlock sniffed loudly and wiped his hand across his eyes, mopping up the moisture there. He grabbed Alec's arms fiercely and bent close to him, staring at him intently.

"No, don't you dare. You are not putting me through anything I don't deserve Alexander. I have been the stupid one, not you. You'd think I would know better considering my age, but let me tell you now: older does not mean wiser."

Despite the pain, Alec managed to raise his hand to Magnus' face and trace his fingers lightly along the other man's cheekbone. Magnus' eyes fluttered closed at the touch.

"Do you still love me?" Alec asked suddenly. He had been so worried that Magnus no longer loved him, he surprised himself with coming out with it just then. The Warlock's eyes snapped open and burned at him, as if a fire had been ignited behind them and making the gold-green molten.

"Oh god, Alec, you have no idea," he said firmly, his voice raw and filled with emotion.  
"I still love you Magnus. And I know that it might not be enough for you. I know I've hurt you and I know it will never be the same again, but I can't just let you go. I'm sorry, but I just can't. If you don't want me then that's fine. Just as long as you know that I will never stop."

Magnus' lips curled unexpectedly into a small smile.

"You won't stop pestering me and ringing me then?" he said, a hint of mirth on his silky voice. Alec's heart sunk a little. He should have perhaps guessed that Magnus may not love him in the same way any more and he should have known the other man would mock him for it.

"No, never," Alec told him defiantly. A wave of fire burned through his body, but he gritted his teeth and tensed his muscles against the pain.

"Good," Magnus breathed and he leaned in and kissed Alec lightly on the lips. It wasn't the wonderful, trumpet-playing, firework-exploding moment Alec had dreamt about. He was in too much pain for that and he had to push the Warlock away in order to cough; blood splattered his hand and he felt sick.

"Alec!' Magnus exclaimed as he held the Shadowhunter's body upright and firmly in place as he coughed away noisily. It soon passed and he fell backwards into the pillows once more.  
"Is this normal?" he asked.  
"Unfortunately yes. I wish you'd let me give you some painkillers," Magnus told him, crinkling up his nose.  
"Absolutely not," Alec told him through gritted teeth. "No more drugs. I've had enough to last me a lifetime."

Suddenly, the sound of the doorbell resounded and Magnus looked around angrily.

"Shouldn't you answer that?" Alec said, raising his eyebrows in question.  
"I'd rather not leave you..."  
"Really?" Alec asked him incredulously. It had perhaps been a little more harsh than he had intended, but it had slipped out unexpectedly.

He watched as some of the light in Magnus dimmed ever so slightly and an awkward, tense silence followed.  
The doorbell rang again.  
"I'd better go get that," Magnus told him finally, breaking the silence and Alec nodded at him.

Why was he so stupid? All he had wanted was for Magnus to forgive him and to hear him out, to let him explain. And now, was he honestly going to start blaming Magnus for everything that had happened? How awful of him; especially when he knew that the only person he had to blame was himself. Was he really going to be bitter about the fact that Magnus broke up with him? It had been Alec, after all, who had betrayed Magnus. And he had continued to betray the man whom he claimed to love over the past few weeks by fraternising with that Vampire. A memory rose up in his mind and made him feel sick. He could actually feel the blood and colour drain from his face as he remembered the Vampire on top of him, grinning ferociously.

"Bloody hell, you look awful."

Alec looked up to find Jace stood in the doorway to the bedroom, as resplendent as ever and glowing a fiery gold. Magnus was stood behind him, his arms folded about his chest and scowling.

"I told you, he is not ready for visitors," Magnus clucked angrily.  
"It's fine," Alec said quickly. If there was anyone who made him feel better it was his _parabatai_. When they had been younger and Alec had been sick or injured, Jace would always cheer him up and make him laugh and forget any pain he was in.

Jace beamed smugly at Magnus and then bounded into the room, flinging himself onto the bed so he was lying next to Alec. He glanced up at the Warlock who looked like he was about to burst a vein. Jace pulled out a half-eaten bunch of red grapes.

"Here," he said happily, offering them to Alec.  
"What's that supposed to be?" Alec asked him.  
"Uh... Grapes. Clary said that you had to take grapes when you went to visit someone who was ill..."  
"I'm not ill Jace," Alec told him sadly.

"Yes, you are. And you should be resting." Magnus' voice was powerful and loud as it resonated around the room.

"There, you see? Grapes," Jace smiled at him and held out the sparse bunch proudly.  
"Not many left..."  
"Yeah, well, I got hungry on my way over here," Jace told him nonchalantly, gesturing the bunch further towards Alec's face. But he didn't think he could eat anything so he shook his head.

"Never mind, more for me," Jace chirped as he pulled off a handful and shoved them, rather ungracefully, into his mouth.

He had been right, Jace had cheered him up already. He sniggered at the gesture, causing another coughing fit. Magnus sprinted over to his side and allowed Alec to lean on him, over the side of the bed. He tried desperately to stop, but he was coughing up a lot of blood that Magnus was now catching in a large white handkerchief.

"Sorry," Alec breathed, intending to apologise to both Jace and Magnus.

"Hey, Magnus? WIll you give us a minute? I need to talk to Alec in private."

Magnus started and looked at Jace, rage spreading across his face.  
"Magnus, would you mind? Only for a moment?" Alec interjected, not wanting there to be a fight between the two. Magnus huffily got to his feet, taking the stained piece of material with him. He turned around at the doorway and looked intently back at Alec.

"If you need me, just yell, ok?" Alec nodded as Magnus shut the door behind him.

"I'm so sorry we left you here, but we couldn't take you to the Institute like you were. I spoke to Clary and she said she thought Jordan might not mind putting you up until you've healed enough, what do you think?"  
Alec couldn't quite believe what he had just heard.  
"And who else knows?" he asked timidly.  
Jace blinked, not quite understanding for a moment.  
"Who knows what?"  
"So Clary knows about all this does she? Who else have you told?" Alec was suddenly angry. He was embarrassed enough that Jace and Isabelle had seen him at his worst and now Magnus, but the thought of anyone else knowing how shamefully he had behaved tore him up.

"Of course I told Clary! I had no idea what to do or who to turn to and I needed advice. No one else knows, Alec, I swear." Jace looked genuinely sorry, which, for Jace, was quite an achievement.

Alec felt the hot sting of tears flood his eyes again.

"Oh, Jace, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry for everything!" His _parabatai_ caught him in a sudden, tight hug.  
"It's ok. You have always been there for me when I've done really stupid things; and I've done quite a lot of stupid things. I think I can allow you one really stupid thing. It's only fair."

Alec pulled away and wiped his eyes on the back of his hand, letting out a short, nervous laugh.

"Jace, what happened last night? I know Magnus was there but I guess I'm a little afraid to ask him. Were you there too?"  
"Yeah, so was Izzy."  
Alec's face paled at the thought of his sister having to witness what happened.  
"Is she alright?"  
"Izzy? Yeah, of course, she's fine. A little shaken up, but she'll be ok after she gets some of her beauty sleep. She's worried about you though. The only reason she didn't come with me is because she's off trying to convince Maryse that you're ok."  
"What is she going to tell her?" Alec was nervous. He hadn't seen his mother for weeks and it wasn't surprising that she would start to ask questions as to his whereabouts.

"Think she was going to say something about you being away with Magnus for a couple of days."

Alec bit his lip. Of course, he had forgotten that his mother hadn't been told that he and Magnus had split up. On this instance, it was probably good that she didn't know because it did provide Alec with a rather convincing alibi. He made a mental note to talk to Izzy and find out what she told their mother and then he would give her a ring and pretend he was off somewhere with the Warlock. Alec hated lying, but telling the truth really wasn't an option.

"So you, Izzy and Magnus were at the warehouse?" Jace gave him a long, sidewards look and nodded gravely.  
"Tell me what happened? From your point of view? I am not sure if what I remembered was real or not." Alec flushed a deep scarlet. "I was quite high and it's difficult to tell what's a dream when you're like that."  
Jace cleared his throat, paying no attention to Alec's blush and his clear embarrassment.

"Well firstly, that crazy Warlock almost killed me when he heard what you had been up to. That yellow Warlock from the ifrit den told him everything, the little snitch. And he came over to the Institute and blasted me, because of course, I would be the one _entirely_ to blame for letting you go off with that Vampire. Which, might I add, you failed to mention to me or Isabelle and made us look really stupid. So then we all went off after you, because, you know, you just disappeared again and we were all really worried about you. That Warlock told Magnus where you would be because she heard that Vampire and his cronies blathering about you when they were buying drugs from her. Thank god one of those dodgy junkies had your back, that's all I'm going to say. Anyway, we went to that Warehouse and we found you there..."  
Jace paused unexpectedly.

"What? Go on," Alec urged him.  
"Well... You were kind of in a compromising position. You were really beat up." Jace brushed his hand through his golden hair.  
"I thought you were going to die..." Jace's eyes had filled with tears. In all the years Alec had known him, he had never seen his _parabatai_ cry. He had seen him upset before; so upset that he had been on the verge of tears, but he had never actually cried.

"Jace," Alec whispered, holding out is hand reassuringly onto his friend's shoulder. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

Jace looked at him and grinned, though Alec could tell he was still sad.

"The main thing is we got you out of there. Me, Izzy and Magnus. I only hope now that you and Magnus can sort everything out between you, because it is definitely not healthy for either of you to carry on the way you have been."  
Jace squeezed his hand that rested on his shoulder reassuringly.

"I'm not sure we can sort everything out." Alec felt defeated now, like his whole world was folding up into darkness. It wasn't painful, but he felt hollow, like all the hope had been ripped from him.

"I told him I still loved him and he didn't say it back, Jace. I think that's it. I think I've ruined it for good."  
"No," Jace told him suddenly and gripping his hand even more tightly. "I may be completely rubbish at getting along with people; I may be infuriating and reckless and stubborn. And I thought I would never know love; that I would never be able to love or that anyone would love me. But now I know and I am telling you that Magnus loves you Alec. You don't have to believe me but I wouldn't try to deceive you about this."

Alec stared at him open-mouthed; Jace looked a little angry with him and Alec realised his friend had been shouting. He supposed he shouldn't be too surprised if Jace was angry with him.

"What's going on? I heard shouting - you had better not be disturbing him _Jonathan_ or I swear I will give you another head injury."  
Magnus swept into the room, looking genuinely concerned.  
"I'm just leaving," Jace announced, letting go of Alec's hand and jumping off the bed. "From what I can tell, the two of you need to talk. Now."  
His _parabatai_ stared threateningly at Magnus as he left, leaving the Warlock looking very confused.

"What's up with golden boy now?" Magnus asked him as they heard the front door slam shut as Jace departed. Alec shrugged, just before he began to cough once more.

It was agony; the pain burned him up from the inside and consumed him mercilessly. Perhaps if he had known how excruciating the withdrawal would be he wouldn't have taken those stupid drugs in the first place. It was a pointless thought, because Alec knew that he would have tried everything to lessen the hurt caused by his and Magnus' separation.

He pushed Magnus away from him as the other man sat beside him and tried to steady him through his latest coughing fit.

Once it had passed, Alec took in some much needed air and looked at Magnus as directly as he could.

"I don't need to hear you tell me you love me, Magnus. You told me that you loved me that night in the subway. What I need to know is whether there is any hope. I need to know whether me being here has anything to do with whether you want a future with me any more. You used to want that and so did I. I know things are different now, but I _still_ want that; I still want you. I am prepared to spend the rest of my life..."  
At that most inopportune moment another coughing episode struck him again and hot, sticky blood flowed from his mouth, causing him to choke. The Warlock held him there, not being able to help him or make it stop.

As the blackness took him, just before he completely passed out he thought he could hear Magnus whisper into his ear.  
"Oh god, Alec, I love you."  
But he couldn't be sure. He had heard the words so often in his dreams over the past few weeks that he wasn't sure if it was his own subconscious letting him know exactly what he wanted to hear. He had lied to Magnus again, telling him he didn't need to hear him say the words. But it was the thing that Alec craved more than anything.

**As always, please remember the 3 F's: Favourite, Follow and FEEDBACK. Please do review and let me know what you think. I am aware that I am being an awful tease, but I do promise you some lovely (and lemony!) Malec fluff for this story in the not-so distant future.**


	12. Chapter 12

_Eureka_

He had finally found something useful. It wasn't exactly a spell that would take away his immortality, but it was a start; it seemed that the Book was finally warming to him. A spell to allow him to share his memories with Alec with just a touch was truly special, if not a little scary. Magnus felt that if he couldn't give Alec his immortality then maybe sharing some of his past with the Shadowhunter would make things better. He desperately wanted to be with him and, from what Alec had said, he wanted to be with Magnus too. But the Warlock knew that it would not be enough. They couldn't go back to how everything was before.

_Keep moving forward_.

It was such an important part of who he was. The events of the past few weeks had changed both of them. They had to evolve and adapt if they wanted to survive; especially now they were certain that war was imminent.

He had already decided what memory he wanted to show Alec and it made Magnus laugh aloud.

"What? Magnus?"

Alec's voice carried across the darkness of the room and Magnus placed the Book carefully on the floor and looked at the young man stirring sleepily in his bed across the room. He looked incredibly beautiful and it took all of Magnus' willpower to not run to him, fold him up in an embrace and completely snog his face off.

He had made a mistake pushing Alec away and was now serving penance for it. Poor Alec had fallen down a rabbit hole and had ended up hurting himself beyond belief and it was all Magnus' fault – rather Magnus had _pushed_ the poor boy down the rabbit hole. He would have to live with the guilt of what he had put Alec through forever. Of course, his idea of 'forever' was hopefully going to be turned on its head very soon, but he couldn't keep the guilt from gnawing away at his heart and preventing him from jumping on Alec and proclaiming his endless love.

"Yes, it's me. I'm sorry if I woke you up," he whispered in Alec's direction and he saw the young man relax at his words.

"That's ok, what are you doing?"

"Thinking about you, actually"

Magnus saw Alec flinch a little and he practically jumped from his chair and rushed to the other man.

"What's wrong, Alec? Are you ok? Are you in pain?" He sounded like a frantic hen. Alec looked up at him, wide-eyed. Their eyes caught for just a moment and it felt like Alec had electrocuted him. It was the same feeling he used to get when he had first met the Shadowhunter; that odd, subversive glance from the young man when he thought nobody could see him and their glances had met each other and stuck for an intense moment or two that had set Magnus' insides aflame. The Warlock lowered his gaze fist with a small, nervous laugh.

"I'm fine," Alec told him quietly.

"You want anything? You haven't eaten in a good few days now – do you want to maybe try some soup?"

Alec was starting to look a little pinched now; his cheekbones had become less chiselled and more skeletal. But Alec just shook his head.

"I can make you my famous thai chicken soup?" Magnus ventured, to which Alec looked at him quizzically. "No?"

"No thank you, Magnus," Alec told him coldly.

"Alec please, you have to eat something."

"I didn't even know you could make thai chicken soup…"

"Well I can, and brilliantly, I may add."

Alec looked at him ruefully and Magnus understood that he had upset him. Again. Of course Alec wouldn't know that Magnus could make something that (vaguely resembled) thai chicken soup. He had to stop coming out with all these 'in-jokes' that were for him only.

"Alec – "

"Don't," Alec interrupted. "Don't apologise, please. I'm the one who should be apologising to you, not the other way around. I've caused you – _am_ causing you – all this anguish, when it is all my fault for behaving so childishly."

Magnus gave a snort. "Are you actually serious? You think you are the one who has been behaving like a juvenile?"

Alec turned his face away, a pretty rosy sheen spreading across his too-pale features and Magnus thought about how much he loved it when Alec blushed. The Shadowhunter's embarrassment in this instance comforted the Warlock because it actually made him look a little bit healthier.

"I want to share something with you, Alexander. And I want to show you something important," Magnus whispered to him.

Alec turned his face so his eyes met Magnus' once more. It was obvious that Alec was on a completely different train of thought to himself, because Magnus knew that look; it was the look he got when his mind was focused on something and he often missed anything Magnus said to him.

_Typical Lightwood stubbornness. _

"I just don't want you to think I'm weak and I don't want you to be with me because you think I will harm myself if you aren't with me. I wasn't trying to blackmail you or anything…"  
"Alec, what the hell are you rambling about?" Magnus asked him with a small smile. The Shadowhunter looked away from him again, trying to conceal his latest blush.

"I do _not_ think you are weak, Alexander. And to suggest that I would even think the only reason you put yourself through what happened at the Warehouse was to _get at me_? It's absurd and I won't hear you speak of it again." Magnus felt a little angry. And upset. He couldn't believe Alec would even suggest it.

"But you don't love me anymore?" Alec asked in a small voice, his face still turned away from Magnus and his gaze fixed on the comforter.

Magnus pulled Alec by the shoulder so that he was facing him square on.

"Are you trying to hurt me Alec? You know I do…"

"Do you? Because I'm not so sure you can love me. How can you love something so, so - "

"I can't hear this anymore," Magnus said as he got up from the bed.

"Just leave! Go on!" Alec yelled at him, making him jump and his stomach sink like lead. He stopped in his tracks, his back towards the bed where Alec lay, fear and grief freezing him to the spot.

"Because you seem pretty unwilling to say 'I love you'! I have told you constantly since I got here that I still love you and I have not once heard you say it back. I get that you don't want to be with me anymore, but by the Angel please stop tormenting me with the hope you might still love me!" Tears streamed down his pale face that was almost luminescent in the dark room. He looked like a vengeful angel; all fury and fiery beauty. Magnus felt like his heart had been wrenched out.

_This will not do_.

He wheeled to face Alec and he thought he heard the Shadowhunter gasp; probably at his expression, which, no doubt, currently looked like he was about to explode.

"_I love you_," Magnus spat out furiously. It wasn't really how he had intended it to come out and it sounded ridiculous. Alec gaped at him, open-mouthed.

"I – I didn't mean it to sound so forceful…" Magnus sputtered out.

Alec's lips twitched and Magnus could see his shoulders trembling. Confusion spread through him briefly, before Alec smiled and snorted out a barely contained guffaw. He had sounded entirely ridiculous and the laughter seemed to be contagious. He hadn't really noticed before, but the tension between them had been stifling and laughing together like this was allowing some of that to evaporate. Magnus suddenly felt very glad that he and Alec were still able to _laugh_ together; it had been an important part of their relationship before.

However, Alec's laughter soon turned into another violent coughing fit and the young man doubled up in agony, blood splattering his hands as he held them to his mouth.

Magnus ran to him, his earlier anger completely forgotten, as he pulled the Shadowhunter to him in a firm embrace and steadied him.

"I love you. I love you. I love you." Magnus whispered to him repeatedly.

Finally, when Alec had just about recovered he rose a blood-stained hand outwards in a halting gesture for Magnus to be quiet.

"You don't have to make fun of me," he said firmly. Magnus' jaw almost hit the floor.

"Alec, I wasn't – I mean, I really mean it. I love you. I didn't even know you hadn't heard me say it to you since you've been here. I'm sorry; I'm just trying to make it up to you."

Alec looked at him warmly, making the Warlock's heart flutter.

"Maybe you're trying too hard," Alec told him in a barely audible whisper.

And Magnus couldn't take it anymore. He had been so delicate around Alec since his arrival, partly because of Alec's ill health but also because he wasn't sure whether jumping Alec and getting physical with him again so soon after their break-up would be appropriate. The Warlock grabbed hold of Alec's face and pulled the other man towards him, their lips crushing together

It was familiar and warm and made his body pulse like he had just come back to life. Had he really been so dead and cold without Alec? He supposed he had.

They broke apart to catch their breath. "Can you ever forgive me Magnus? Because I love you and you love me and, quite frankly, I don't want to – I _can't_ – live without you in my life. Please tell me that there is hope for us?"

Magnus shot him a wicked grin.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood. I have been a fool and I am sincerely begging for _your_ forgiveness. I made the biggest mistake of my life the night I pushed you away. I probably don't deserve a second chance, but seeing as you apparently have a head injury and are ok with it then I want you to know that I want you back. I want you back and I won't stop until you agree. Let's go back to how it used to be. Oh my God, I still love you Alec. In fact, I think I may just love you even more now."

Alec stared at him, his eyes shining in the moonlight that now streamed in through the window, unhindered by the open curtains.

"It's not as simple as that, is it?" Alec asked him, sounding genuinely intrigued.

"And why not? I love you, you love me. We have forgiven each other have we not?"

Alec's eyes dropped, sadness casting a horrible shadow over his beautiful angelic face.

"Magnus, you know it can't be the same as before. I wish it could be, but it just can't. I'm not sure I even want to go back to what we had before."

"Alec, what are you saying?" Magnus felt as though a bolt had just torn through his body. The Shadowhunter looked up at him, tears in his eyes.

"I want more, Magnus. I need more. Believe me, I've thought about it a lot. Us loving each other isn't enough. Maybe it was in the beginning, but let's face facts: there are some serious trust issues. You don't trust me, Magnus. You don't trust me with your past and any trust that I may have earned from you I completely obliterated by speaking to Camille behind your back."

"But I realise now that I was an idiot to not trust you Alexander. You placed all your trust in me and I was too stubborn to see that you needed the same from me in return. But I do trust you, Alec. I want to show you."

Magnus felt like he was pleading for his life, and losing the argument. Alec shook his head sadly, letting out a small, grief-laden laugh.

"The thing is I don't know if I can trust you in the same way anymore. How can I trust you to not just leave me behind again? How can I trust that when you tell me you love me that it's the same way that I love you?"

Magnus grabbed up Alec's hands, still wet and sticky with his blood and held them close to his chest, not caring if they would stain his clothes.

"You just have to," Magnus whimpered. He was vaguely aware that he was on the verge of crying now, pleading with Alec.

Why had he just assumed that he held all the power? Because he was the one who had broken up with Alec and not the other way around? He should have been prepared for Alec's rejection, but he had dared himself to think that Alec was helpless without him after what he had seen at the Warehouse. And then he saw tears trickle down the side of Alec's face too. They were both crying, both worried and feeling lost and afraid.

"But I can promise that I will never keep anything from you ever again. And I won't. I will never have any secrets from you ever again. Can you promise me that? Because I don't think you can, Magnus."

It was like all the air was sucked out of the room and Magnus felt like he was drifting into nothingness. He dropped Alec's bloodied hands and lowered his gaze in defeat.

"No, I can't promise you that," he said, resigned.

"I guess that's that then," Alec sighed, his voice cracking slightly.

"_NO_. I know I can't promise to tell you everything about my past, and I know that it might be a deal-breaker for you. But Alec, I do want to try." Magnus felt terrified suddenly. "D- do you want to try?" he stammered.

"I don't think I have ever heard you stammer before," Alec observed.

Magnus shot him as dazzling a smile as he could muster under the circumstances. It was like being on a rollercoaster; one second they were telling each other how much they loved each other and how they wanted to be together again; and the next moment they were definitely not together again and adamant that it wouldn't work. It was so complicated it was making his head hurt.

"Alec, do you want to be with me?"

The Shadowhunter looked back at him with those beautiful blue eyes. Magnus could make out their vibrant colour, even in the dim light. Alec let out a long sigh and dropped his head.

"More than anything," he muttered.

"And I want to be with you. I _love_ you, Alexander. More than I have ever loved anyone or anything before in my entire life. I will devote myself body and soul to making you believe you can trust me again, I promise. Please give me – give us – another chance?"

In those few moments, awaiting Alec's reply, it seemed like the whole Earth had stopped spinning. His heart seemed to stop beating.

The young Nephilim looked him in the eye, as if he were searching for Magnus' soul, but did not say anything.

"Will you let me show you something?" Magnus asked, wanting to break the silence and end the tension. "Let me show you this and if you don't want to be with me anymore then at least you will know that I have shown you my heart."

Alec looked stunned and he nodded at Magnus soundlessly. The Warlock could not suppress his smile as he held out his hand for Alec to take. Their hands were still slick from Alec's blood, but that just made the situation more primal and intense. Magnus started uttering the words quietly and just managed to catch a look at the Shadowhunter's shocked face as white light blinded both of them.

Magnus knew what Alec would see because it was his own memory that he was showing him. It was the memory of the very first time he had seen Alec, that night him and his friends had come crashing into his life by completely crashing his party. He knew the spell would mean that Alec would be able to inhabit the memory as if he was Magnus himself; that he would _feel_ everything Magnus felt.

Magnus tried to remember the scene in as much detail for Alec's benefit as possible. How arrested he felt to see Alec stood with his friends on the doorstep. How Magnus' eyes had seemed to be drawn to Alec, despite the shock of seeing little Clary Fray there with them; how Alec reminded him of Will; how he gazed at Alec through the crowd and admired his beauty, realising that he was not like Will at all, but then caught Alec checking out another man and his chest had started prickling with some inexplicable excitement and raw possibility and hope as he looked on.

He tried to convey that heat he had felt when Alec had laughed about putting holy water in the Vampire's bikes, and then how much hotter he felt when Alec's blue eyes became so alive when he asked about whether the bikes could fly. Then how Magnus' mind couldn't seem to concentrate properly when they were all in his bedroom, because he couldn't stop _looking_ at Alec, trying to fathom him out; how surprised he had been to see Alec staring intently at him too, and how it made his heart flutter and how ridiculous he thought it was.

He tried to let Alec see and feel that when the Alec from Magnus' memory spoke it gave Magnus a strange tingling sensation down his neck, and how Magnus had unintentionally let slip that horrible memory of his 'parents' because he felt so off-guard. And then the sharp sting he felt when Alec had been so kind to him, how unfazed the Shadowhunter had seemed at Magnus' pitiful tale of his early life; like he understood the hurt, not just empathised with it.

And then that intense moment when they had locked eyes with each other, when Alec had asked him whether he had been part of the uprising. And then that wonderful bloom of surprise that flowered in Magnus' chest when he realised Alec was actually _embarrassed_ for his fellow Nephilim, for the behaviour of the Circle. He had been so surprised and taken aback at Alec's reaction and so utterly turned on by that beautiful rosy flush across his face. Then came the flirtatious stares between the two of them and Alec looking like he would be sick. Magnus hadn't intended to frighten him and he tried very hard to push the memory of him feeling a little bad about that to the real Alec in front of him now.

Next, the memory of Magnus following the group from his bedroom, his eyes unable to peel themselves away from the beautiful curves of Alec's hips and ass. Finally, Magnus remembered how flustered and annoyed he felt and that Alec had been the cause because he had completely unsettled him; how he suddenly couldn't bear to look at another Vampire or Fairy that evening and had demanded everyone leave and that the party was over. Of course, Clary and all her questions and dramatic revelations had been partly to blame and had somewhat soured the mood of the whole affair, but it had been Alec who had clouded everything and made him doubt himself.

He pushed forward the memory of Alec leaving and Magnus deliberately overstepping his boundaries with his wink and 'call me' comment, just to see how Alec would react and to look once more at that beautiful blush. He hoped that the real Alec could feel not only how aroused he had been, but also how something had sparked in his chest at that moment and almost made him choke.

And then it was over and Magnus broke the contact. Alec looked at him in total amazement.

"Of all the memories you could have shown me, you show me one we share? You could have shown me something wonderful from your past – you know I want to share a memory from your past with you more than anything. Why choose that one?"

"I wanted to show you that one because that was the first time I saw you. Well, properly saw you anyway. And I loved you even then. I didn't realise it exactly, but I felt it. And you could feel it too just then, couldn't you? That strange feeling of electricity and excitement mixed with aching and an inability to breathe. I know now that what I felt right then was love; the very first spark of it. And that was the very first time I had _ever_ felt that, Alexander. I began to realise, even that early on, that despite me thinking I had been in love before I hadn't. You turned my world upside down."

"You really mean that, don't you?"

Magnus nodded solemnly.

Alec timidly raised his hand and traced a ghostly pale fingertip along Magnus' cheekbone.

"If we do this again," he said, "I have some conditions."

Magnus looked at him sharply. Alec's lips were curved upwards into the hint of the smile, telling him that although there was now happiness there again, he was also serious.

"What kind of conditions, Alexander?" Magnus asked him smoothly.

"Firstly, I want you to share more memories with me. They don't all have to be like the one you just showed me, you could just tell me. I don't need everything all at once, but I really don't want there to be any secrets between us, ok? I _need_ to know more about you, Magnus, and that means knowing about your past."

"Ok, fine. But I can only promise to try my hardest; I'm not comfortable digging up some of my memories, so don't be surprised if it takes me a while. If this is what it takes to get you back and keep you then I have no choice."

"So you still don't want to? Tell me anything about yourself I mean?"

Magnus sighed deeply. Perhaps he should be honest with Alec. This is what got them into this mess in the first place, after all: a lack of honesty.

"Here's the truth: I don't think I explained my reluctance properly to you before because I was being stubborn and I'm sorry. I have a lot of memories and a lot of the time they all blur together and I can't make sense of them exactly. The ones that stand out are either very important ones or, mostly, the truly horrific ones. I've seen and done things that I don't want to burden you with. Because it is a burden, having to carry around all this baggage of memories. Most of them are not happy or pleasant, Alec, and I love you and I would never intentionally darken your outlook of life, of people you know or have heard about, or of me and you. But I can promise you this now; I will not clam up. If you ask me about someone or something I shall endeavour to tell you everything I know. Believe it or not, I know how it feels to be left out of something; on the wrong side of the window, looking in. I promise – you have my solemn vow – I will never do that to you again."

Alec cleared his throat and Magnus' stomach tightened. He wasn't sure how Alec would react to what he had said, but he was also concerned that he may have another coughing attack.

"Secondly –" Alec continued; it seemed he had accepted everything Magnus had said and didn't feel like it needed any further explanation. "I want to know the name of everyone you have had a romantic relationship with. It may be a long list, but I still want to know. Because you are not the only one allowed to be the jealous boyfriend."

"Does that mean everyone I've ever slept with? Because I don't remember all of their names…"

"Just the ones you would consider significant," Alec interrupted, a slight quirk on the right side of his mouth where he was trying not to smile. It was adorable.

"Thirdly," he said, without stopping for breath. "I want to go to the opera, because you promised we would go after we missed the show in Vienna."

Magnus couldn't help but bark out a laugh at that.

"And I want you to kiss me and hold me tight. Right now. Because it is what I want more than anything in the world."

Magnus didn't need much prompting after that. He grabbed Alec to him, perhaps a little too roughly, and pressed their lips together.

The kiss contained all the frustration that had pent up in both of them over the past few weeks and they both let their relief pour into each other. It felt delicious.

"And I also want to reserve the right to amend or add to these conditions in the future…" Alec murmured against his lips, causing Magnus to chuckle and sending tingly vibrations between the two of them.

Their tongues met and caressed in a familiar, comforting way, but there was still a fire there, burning as brightly and as hotly as it ever had. They may have done this thousands of times before, but there was something new between them now and it was exciting, wonderful and ever so slightly terrifying. It was a strange mix – the familiar and comforting mingled inextricably with the new and unexplored. Alec's breath hitched and sent a wave of pleasure through him and he growled low in his throat at the sensation. Magnus' arms were wrapped around his waist, stroking his bare back underneath the thin white undershirt he was wearing. His skin was soft and Magnus was able to trace the familiar bumps of his scars delicately with the tips of his fingers. He briefly noted that Alec's usually muscular back felt very thin and unusually delicate beneath his touch, his vertebrae more prominent than usual. Alec sighed his name against his lips and pulled the Warlock even closer, deepening the contact.

They were lost in each other and Magnus felt like the kiss was reviving him, giving him life once more. He hadn't realised he had been dead without Alec. Bright colours of pleasure seemed to swirl around him and engulf him as Alec's hands tangled in his hair; a gesture he had been used to, but one now that felt so beautiful and fiery it made his heart beat faster and spread a deep warmth through his body.

Suddenly, Alec wrenched himself away from Magnus rather violently and pushed him. He stumbled with alarm and almost fell off the bed and dark thoughts began to creep around his mind that he was being rejected after all. And then Alec started coughing again, worse than ever. Magnus held the young man close to him, trying to hold him steady as his body trembled under the force. His face was buried into Magnus' shoulder and the Warlock could feel every agonising exhalation that wracked the poor boy's body vibrate through his own frame.

"Oh, Alec…" Magnus whispered into his dark and silky hair, breathing in the scent of him.

After what seemed like hours, Alec finally stopped and lay backwards, now exhausted, onto his pillows.

"Magnus, I'm so sorry…"

"Don't you dare apologise," Magnus smirked at him. "You know how I love playing Nurse."

"I meant I'm sorry about your clothes… I think I've stained them."

Magnus glanced down at his attire and, sure enough, his shirt was covered with splotches of varying shades of red; where Alec had just a moment ago coughed into his shoulder was still wet, whilst the other stains that had begun to dry and turn into something that resembled rust were left there from his earlier attacks that evening. Magnus noticed his hands were also covered with patches of dry blood. He frowned slightly; he had never found a good spell for removing tough stains.

"Magnus, I am sorry. I don't want to be this much of an inconvenience to you."

Magnus looked up at him sharply. "You are _not_ and inconvenience, Alexander." He noticed that Alec's hands were also painted with dried blood and he had small dark spots all over his undershirt. "Maybe we should clean ourselves up," Magnus said, sounding predatory. He hadn't meant for it to sound quite so sexual… well, maybe he had.

"Well I wouldn't say no to a sponge bath, _Nurse_ Bane," Alec smirked playfully at him. It made Magnus feel giddy.

_Just like old times_.

Magnus leant over and kissed Alec once more; he tasted of his blood, metallic and salty. But still somehow tasted wonderful.

"I love you," he told him earnestly.

"I love you too," Alec whispered back, tears clouding his stormy blue eyes.

* * *

**OMG everyone, I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this! Feeling rather embarrassed...  
I have been a tad manic, so please accept my apologies.**

**I hope you enjoyed this (rather long) little Magnus POV. Finally, there is a little bit of Malec fluff! Yay! Just a warning to you all - it will be getting WAY more fluffy from now on...**

As always, please remember the 3 F's! Follow, Favourite and Feedback! Please do leave a review, as I would love to know how you felt about this one. 


	13. Chapter 13

**WARNING: this chapter contains references that some may find deeply upsetting.**

He should have known Magnus would take his role as nurse very seriously. He had actually attempted to give Alec a sponge bath whilst he was in bed, but it had proven very awkward. Alec had realised that what he really needed was a nice hot shower. The Warlock had taken some convincing, especially the part about not being allowed to 'supervise'. Alec felt so happy that they were back together he could cry, but he was worried that Magnus was taking things too fast. Of course he wanted the physical part of their relationship to resume, but Alec still felt completely beat up; he needed to recover first.

But it was like everything was right again with the world. When they hadn't been together absolutely nothing had made sense. He had been drifting in a black expanse of nothingness, in constant agony and unable to breathe; then there had been a bright light that could have only been Magnus, and now he was back. He felt like himself again. He felt complete once more. It was totally cliché, but he really had felt like half of his soul was missing because it belonged to Magnus. He had been lost without him and now he was found.

But he was different now. He could never go back to the Alexander Gideon Lightwood he had been before. He just hoped that Magnus realised that.

"What are you thinking about?" Magnus voice purred at him from across the room. Alec looked around and found the Warlock leaning casually on the door frame at the entrance to the bedroom. He looked so wonderful today. The bright sunlight streamed in through the floor to ceiling windows and bathed the Warlock in a heavenly light, making his golden skin gleam and his silken jet black hair glimmer like black crystal. Alec did not think he had ever seen a more beautiful sight.

Last night they had talked and kissed and, well, made up. They were back together now, officially. Though Alec wanted to keep it quiet for a little while; he wanted Magnus to himself for a time and he knew that if he informed his siblings that they were an item again the whole 'gang' would all be around in a shot with their congratulations and cooing. He would rather they thought that Alec was still too unwell to receive visitors and that the tension in the Brooklyn loft was still too awkward and icy to stomach, as Jace had discovered when he visited. Ever since then everyone had been keeping their distance. He still got regular texts and phone calls full of concern, but everyone had to remain calm in order to convincingly pull off the lie to his mother that Alec was out of town on a trip with Magnus.

"Nothing really, just enjoying sitting here and not being in excruciating pain for a change," Alec mused. Magnus' face dropped at the mention of 'pain'.

"But you are sure that you are alright? You don't need me to get you anything?"

"Magnus, please stop fussing!"

Magnus stood upright, supporting his own weight now and loomed tall, folding his arms around his chest stubbornly.

"I'm only trying to help," he pouted.

"Come and sit with me for a while then," Alec suggested. Magnus' face lightened immediately and Alec was sure he saw his eyes shine as he smiled and bounded over to the bed. He reminded Alec of a small puppy who was trying very hard to be well behaved.

Alec felt a little bad because he had completely monopolised Magnus' bed since he got here. _Our bed_ he mentally corrected himself. Apart from last night, when he had fallen asleep in Magnus' arms, just like he had done so many times before.

The Warlock gracefully slid onto the bed and leaned backwards, stretching out his long legs. It felt so _right_ to feel the other man's presence next to him, sharing the bed. Alec couldn't help but smile as he felt Magnus elegant fingers gently caress his lower back. This is what he had missed most; the small, comforting little gestures that couples who were in love did, almost unknowingly.

Alec sighed against the touch, leaning backwards into it. "I may try and get up today, I'm feeling much better and I really want to stretch my legs."  
"Are you sure?" Magnus asked his voice full of concern.

Alec turned his head and smiled at him.

"I'm sure," he told him dreamily.

Magnus shifted and pulled Alec gently towards him; the Warlock's lips finding his neck and kissing him there sensually. "I love you," Magnus breathed against his skin, making him shudder at the warm vibration. The Warlock's hands began to rove along his torso, lovingly smoothing and softly feeling their way.

As Magnus' hand moved to his thigh, however, a sharp and icy jolt coursed through him, causing him to recoil instinctively.

"What's wrong?" Magnus asked him as he nuzzled his shoulder.

Alec's stomach tightened. He didn't know what was wrong, only that something had startled him. Suddenly, and thankfully, Alec's phone began to ring on the bedside table and Alec, grateful for the interruption, pulled away from Magnus to retrieve it.

"Hey Iz," he answered happily. He looked back towards Magnus, who was lounging next to him, his head propped lazily on his hand. He mouthed a silent "Sorry," to the Warlock who smiled at him and waved his free hand in a dismissive gesture.

"Alec!" she exclaimed brightly. "How are you?" Her voice changed and dropped, expressing a sudden serious concern.

"I'm feeling a lot better now, actually. Was thinking about getting out of bed today to stretch my legs – to see if they still worked."

She gave a little nervous laugh.

"Oh, well, that's great news. And how is Magnus? I hope he's looking after you."

"He's fine. And yes, he is doing a great job of looking after me."

"Oh Alec, that really is fantastic!"

"Ummm…"

"The two of you! Back together at last!" She sounded like she was about to burst into tears.

"Steady on, Izzy, I didn't say that…"

"B-but, you said he was… I thought you must have made up? It sounded like you were getting along!"

"We are – but, nothing is happening yet, ok?"

At this, Magnus sat up, a little startled and looked at Alec with a worried expression.

"Ok… But have you spoken to each other? Properly?"

"Isabelle, please just leave it." He was staring at Magnus, who looked like he was about to throw up.

"Come on Alec, this is important. To all of us!"

"I have to go. I'll give you a call later, ok?"

"Fine," she huffed. "But don't forget I want a full report of everything that has been said."

"Fine – bye."  
"Bye."

Alec pulled the phone away from his ear and ended the call. Magnus crossed his arms about his chest – not an angry gesture, but one that looked to Alec as if he was trying to shield himself from the cold.

"Magnus, I'm sorry about that," he told the Warlock sheepishly.

"Sorry about what?" Magnus asked him, his face hard and unreadable. Alec gulped, knowing he was in trouble; he had managed to hurt Magnus _again_. By all rights he really didn't deserve any more chances after what he had put Magnus through. Miraculously Magnus had forgiven him for betraying his trust, for sleeping around with Vampires and for taking drugs and here he was again, _hurting_ the man he loved once more.

Alec knew Magnus was just pretending to be ignorant because he had seen the comprehension on Magnus' face when he had told his sister, in not so many words, that he and Magnus were not back together.

"You know what," Alec whispered. And then Magnus' resolve broke and the Warlock's face drooped into a sad and helpless expression. He ran a hand nervously through his deep black hair.

"Why did you deny it? I thought we were ok, I thought we were back together now…"  
"We _are_!" Alec interrupted, scooting over to Magnus and grasping his hands tightly.

"Then why did you…"

"Because I don't want the fuss. Magnus, I love you and I am so happy and excited that we are going to try this again, but I'm not ready for _everyone_ to get involved just yet. I want to just enjoy you and me a little while longer without any interference. I still feel a little delicate and I need to take things slowly."

The conviction of his words surprised even him a little and Magnus smiled warmly at him.

"That's a relief – I was worried that I had misunderstood and that you didn't want me back after all. I thought maybe I had dreamt last night."

Alec couldn't think of anything more to say so he kissed the Warlock, trying to show him how much he meant. He had never been very good at putting things into words, especially things that didn't really need to be spoken aloud. Magnus didn't seem to mind though as he began to kiss him back.

"It's strange, isn't it?" Magnus uttered against his lips.

"What is?" Alec replied, not really breaking the contact.

"The things love makes people do."

"Stupid things like take drugs and put your family in danger?"

Magnus halted abruptly. His long fingers were tangled in Alec's hair, offering him a good grip to pull Alec's head gently so their eyes met.

"I meant odd things, like hurting each other. It's strange what funny things love can make you do. I pushed you away and hurt you because I was too proud to admit that I had ruined our relationship. I tried to blame you for betraying me when it was _I_ who betrayed _you_."

"It's strange what love can make _foolish_ people do. I will regret every day for the rest of my life that I didn't just sit you down and tell you how I felt. I know I went to Camille because I couldn't get any answers from you, but two wrongs do not make a right. I should have been more patient. All these things I've done have been because I love you, but I was too stupid to realise I was showing you the very opposite of love."

Magnus smirked at him. "Love makes fools of us all, big and little."

"I love that quote," Alec smiled back.

Magnus sat up a little and looked off meaningfully into the distance "It is best to love wisely, no doubt; but to love foolishly is better than not to be able to love at all."

Alec gave a small chuckle. "Ok, you can stop quoting Thackeray at me now."

"I was just trying to be romantic…"

"Come here," Alec whispered, pulling Magnus towards him again and connecting their lips sensually.

Soon, their kisses became more frenzied and urgent. Their hands explored each other's bodies. Although Alec felt he knew every inch of Magnus now, it still felt like an exciting adventure every time his hands traced over the smooth golden skin. Not being able to touch Magnus in this way for the past few weeks had been absolute torture.

He bit down on Magnus' bottom lip, soliciting a deep throaty moan from the other man. Magnus pressed into him and pushed him down into the pillows, kissing him deeply and undressing him in a rather uncharacteristically clumsy manner. Alec's undershirt was flung in a fit of passion somewhere over the other side of the room and Magnus began to tug on his boxers.

The Warlock began to kiss his jaw and neck as he slid the boxers down and Alec shut his eyes, lost in the pleasure and the sensation.

Suddenly, an image flashed into his mind. A grinning, ferocious-looking face. Silvery gleaming eyes. Those dazzling white fangs…

Alec felt that same icy feeling shoot through him as it did earlier and he finally understood. Panic began to rise in his throat, stinging it with bile and he felt nauseous and light-headed.

"Stop!" he managed to strangle out, but Magnus didn't seem to have heard him as he ran his hands delicately over Alec's inner thighs. The feeling that should have elicited a frustrated moan from his lips only filled him with horror and disgust.

He didn't want this. Although it was Magnus on top of him now, the other man's weight only reminded Alec of that oppressive weight that had suffocated him and hurt him beyond belief.

"Stop stop stop stop!" Alec sobbed incessantly. Magnus stilled on top of him and abruptly leapt off and away in a panic. He was soon holding Alec to him, fiercely hugging him and smoothing his hair as Alec wept.

"Oh my God, _sayang_, what's wrong?! Did I hurt you?!" he asked, horrified.

But Alec couldn't stop crying. He felt lost and frightened and utterly confused.

"I'm so sorry!" Alec sobbed, but Magnus just held him tighter and shushed him whilst comfortingly rocking him back and forth. This was not what he imagined would happen, but he couldn't stop crying and couldn't push the despair and the grief from his chest. He cried for what felt like a long time, but Magnus just held him as tightly as he could and eventually the tears stopped when he really didn't have any more tears to cry. Alec realised he was clinging onto the Warlock, returning the hug with all his strength.

Eventually, Magnus pulled at his shoulders, held him at arm's length and stared at him. His beautiful feline eyes shone with concern and panic, though Alec could tell from his expression that he was trying to look strong and unaffected.

"I'm sorry," Alec managed to speak first.

"N-no, Alec. I'm sorry." Magnus was barely holding it together and Alec felt like he couldn't look at him anymore. He averted his eyes, fear still ripping at his insides.

"Alexander, please look at me," Magnus whispered softly, taking Alec's hand in his own and rubbing his fingers across his knuckles. Alec slowly and difficulty looked up at him. "It's ok, my love. We won't do anything you don't want to do. It will be ok, I promise. I'm so sorry if I hurt you."

"No! Oh Magnus, you didn't hurt me!" Alec suddenly felt the tears returning and he couldn't hold them back despite his best efforts. Magnus just stared at him, wide-eyed and speechless as he broke down again. He didn't even know why he was crying anymore. All he knew was that he was scared and confused. Alec felt like his body had been broken into two and it was too painful to bear. He felt _wrong_.

The Warlock did the only thing that he knew what to do and pulled Alec towards him again in another hug. Alec wept wildly and relentlessly. It was ridiculous really; he had just about managed to get his life back and now he was throwing it all away again. Was he really so damaged that he couldn't just be with Magnus and be happy anymore? He began to wail. He felt so stupid, but it was like all the emotion he had diluted with drugs over the past couple of weeks had finally cracked the surface. And those silvery-blue eyes; cold and horrible, were staring at him from the blackness in his head.

"Magnus, I love you and I want to be with you – I'm ruining it aren't I?"

The Warlock pulled him in more tightly and sighed mournfully against his face. "I love you so much Alexander, won't you please tell me what's wrong? I didn't mean to hurt you at all and I understand if you're still too much in pain for physical activity – you took one hell of a beating."

_It's now or never._

Alec broke the contact and tried to steady himself. He had to tell Magnus now or he was in danger of losing the other man again. Magnus met his gaze with confused, hurt eyes.

"Magnus, I'm sorry, you didn't hurt me just now. I wanted you to – I still want – you to make love to me." Tears welled up in his eyes now he was attempting with all his strength to hold them back. "But I just remembered what it was like. I thought about _him_ and what he did to me. I feel so guilty for letting it happen… so unclean."

Magnus looked absolutely horrified. He was pale and looked like he had just been punched in the stomach. He grasped Alec's hands like he was holding on to him for dear life.

"Alexander, _sayang_, it is most certainly not your fault," Magnus voice cracked.

"But it is!" Alec exclaimed painfully. "I led him on Magnus, and you killed him. _I_ got him killed because I let him believe that I wanted him like that." The tears streamed down his face, his eyes now too full to hold them all abated.

"He _raped_ you Alec! Of course I killed that son-of-a-bitch! It was _my_ fault. I – I broke your heart and I made all of this happen. I'm so stupid; a part of me believed that you didn't remember. But of course you did. Oh it's all my fault love! But I promise I won't let anything bad happen to you ever again! I promise, Alec!"

They both broke down then together, their emotions too much for each of them to shoulder as they held each other and cried.

* * *

_"Magnus?"_

_"It's ok, I'm here," the Warlock called cheerfully behind him. Alec turned to see Magnus now stood behind him; the Warlock placed a hand tenderly on his shoulder and he sighed into the touch._

_"I didn't think I would be coming back here," Alec mused aloud._

_"And yet, here you are," Magnus quipped. "I thought you were going to talk to him?" Alec wheeled around to see Magnus looking at him quizzically, disappointment etched onto his beautiful shining face._

_Alec sighed. "You aren't going to make me leave again are you?" he asked Magnus nervously._

_The hill was bathed in a beautiful peachy light; the sweet smell of a summertime evening floated all about him._

_Magnus gave a sad smile. "You can't stay here forever you know."_

_He pulled the Warlock close to him and held him lovingly in his arms._

_"What shall I do? It's all such a mess…"  
"Alec, you're almost there. Please don't give up now. You've told him how you really feel and he has opened up to you. I promise, when you wake up you will both be able to move on." Magnus pulled away and looked at him dreamily. "It's going to take time, but you love each other too much for it to _not_ be ok. I know because I know your heart."_

_"But you don't know his – not really. You're just me and I have no idea how he feels." Alec felt so down he thought his heart may just shatter into a million pieces all by itself._

_"Who are you trying to kid?! I know, therefore you know. He blames himself for what has happened, Alec. And you, of course, blame no one but yourself. You need to both put it behind you and agree how strange it is that love can make foolish people do the most stupid, funny things sometimes."_

_Alec smiled. "That was pretty much verbatim."_

_"It obviously struck a chord with you," Magnus grinned back._

_Alec felt the panic grip him again. "All I see when I close my eyes is that Vampire… What if I never recover? What if I'm never ok again?"  
"You need to tell him that, Alec. You need to share more with him. If he is ever going to trust you enough to share anything of himself you must first set a shining example. _Show_ him how much you trust him by letting him help you through this."_

_Everything 'Dream Magnus' was saying was right. Alec could hardly believe that all this wisdom and calmness were actually his own, and the Magnus that was standing in front of him was really just a projection from Alec's mind._

_"Alright. I suppose he already knows the worse," Alec conceded._

_"Good – you'll need each other very soon. You know that you could never survive what is coming without him. You know as well as I do that you wouldn't _want_ to survive without him."_

_Alec looked down at the valley below for the briefest moment, to see the Dream city that resembled Alicante now black and smouldering, burnt to ashes. _

_"What does that mean?" Alec whispered, too frightened to speak his thoughts aloud._

_"You already know what it means: it means this war will have disastrous consequences. It means that everything you knew before could be burnt to the ground. And it means you have important choices to make. Please don't make a choice that leaves you without him."_

_Alec nodded and tore his eyes away from the blackened mess, not wanting to see anymore though also compelled to find out what had happened. He met Magnus' gaze and immediately felt assured._

_"Now you need to go back – you need to wake up, Alexander," Magnus purred at him._

_The Warlock leant forwards and lightly tapped Alec's forehead in the same way he would a front door. It was an odd sensation at first, but when Magnus repeated it the motion sent waves of pain through his head that radiated around his body._

_He tried to pull away, but found himself paralyzed as Dream Magnus kept up his incessant knocking. Each blow was agony. And Alec saw the landscape dissolve around him out of the corners of his eyes. Magnus stared back at him, still knocking and hurting him, but his expression was peaceful and loving._

_"I love you," Magnus whispered and Alec finally gave in and closed his eyes against the pain._

* * *

Alec awoke; his head was a throbbing mess. His face and eyes felt swollen and his chest hurt. With a great effort he heaved himself up and supported his weight on his elbows, so he could better survey his surroundings. He was lying on one side of the bed, rather in the middle as he had been since he had arrived. _His_ side of the bed. He turned his face to see a familiar indentation on the other side, as though Magnus had slept there, but there was no sign of the Warlock.

Alec had certainly taken a huge beating from the Vampires in the Warehouse and he currently felt like he hadn't recovered at all over the last few days. His body screamed with aching and painful spasms. Slowly, the memory of what had happened before he had obviously fallen asleep filtered back through.

They had almost – almost – fully reconciled and gone back to being lovers. But Alec had remembered the painful memory from his assault and it had frightened him and turned him into a sobbing, gibbering wreck and he had not been able to go through with it. Magnus had said that awful word aloud and he had heard it for the first time since it had happened; his shame had finally been exposed. Alec knew he had to say it aloud too; otherwise it may never be real. And if he couldn't come to terms with the reality he knew he would be in danger of losing Magnus forever.

"Magnus?" Alec called out.

The room was still bathed with light, though the sun had moved in the sky and Alec could have guessed it was afternoon now by the dimmer effect the natural sunlight was having on the room; it was no longer filled with the bright sunlight of morning, but a more elegant and softer glow. The Warlock sprinted into the bedroom, all concern and heartache. Alec tried to smile as warmly as he could at the man he loved and it somewhat worked as he saw Magnus' expression lighten a little in response.

"What time is it?" Alec said, letting out a yawn.

"It's four pm. You've slept most of the day." Magnus looked exhausted and Alec felt a pang of guilt course through him.

"Did you not sleep?" he asked, indicating the empty space next to him. Magnus shook his head. "You don't look like you've slept in days," Alec observed.

"I haven't," Magnus gulped. "Are you trying to tell me I look like shit, Alexander?" Magnus asked him, a small wicked smile playing on his lips. Alec was glad for once that Magnus generally made jokes about everything, no matter how serious. Alec couldn't help but laugh.

"You know that's not what I'm saying! Come here?" He held up his hand and gestured for Magnus to join him.

The Warlock brushed his long fingers tenderly through Alec's hair as he sat down next to him.

"Magnus, I need to talk to you, but I need for you to just listen to me for a moment and let me say my piece. Ok?" Magnus looked a little startled by Alec's directness, but then nodded silently in agreement.

Alec took a deep breath. "I slept with that Vampire, Magnus. I'm not talking about the Warehouse. At least, I think I did, but I was so high I can't really remember. I wanted you to know because I don't want to keep anything from you anymore…"

"Alec - " Magnus began, brushing his hand along the Shadowhunter's cheekbone.

"Magnus, please. I want to tell you what happened that night I went to the Warehouse. I have to let you know, because I need to say some things aloud to try and make sense of everything."

Magnus slowly nodded and grabbed Alec's hand in his own for reassurance.

"I was going there to tell the Vampire that I wanted everything to stop. I wasn't quite sure what exactly was going on between us, but I knew I had done some things with him and I seriously regretted them. I had taken a small amount of _yin fen_ before I went, but not enough that it clouded my senses. I took my weapons belt and my stele too, not knowing how hostile he would be. He was understanding when I spoke to him. I didn't tell him the exact reason, but it was because I was going to try and arrange to meet you the next day so we could talk. I – I was going to try and get you back. I know it sounds stupid because you told me you never wanted to see me again, but I had felt I had to try – I had to try to fight for you."

Alec shifted nervously, but Magnus held his gaze steadily, urging him on.

"He suggested one final night of fun, because he had already bought drugs. I don't know why I was so weak that I couldn't have just said no. But I agreed. I felt like I needed to celebrate, because I wasn't grieving over you anymore. I felt like I was finally in a good place to start trying to get my life back. To try and get you back. But he – he gave me loads of different drugs. More than I'd ever had before. It felt great at first, but then he started. He started…"  
Alec took another deep breath.

"He started to touch me and kiss me. I tried to get him to stop, but for some reason I wasn't strong enough to push him off and get free."

"That would be some of the Mundane drugs he gave you – some of them weaken you and make your runes ineffective."

Alec stared at Magnus for a beat or two. He really didn't need to lose his chain of thought right now, though he was grateful that Magnus had provided him with an explanation.

"Well, he wouldn't stop. I told him to stop but he wouldn't. I think I hit him, but then others came and held me down. And then he raped me."

Magnus tried to suppress a little gasp and failed.

"He raped me Magnus. And they all attacked me. I thought I was going to die."

Strangely, Alec felt stronger after he had said it, no hint of the relentless tears from earlier making a return.

"But I knew you were there, Magnus. I knew at the last moment before I blacked out that you had come to save me. And I wished beyond anything that I would be able to see you again, for one last time; that I could tell you how sorry I am and how much I love you."

Alec let out a long breath once he was finished, as if he had managed to tell Magnus everything whilst also holding his breath.

"I want us to be together again, Magnus. I want that more than anything. But I need your help. I'm sorry to burden you like this, but if you want this too then I need you by my side and I need you to be patient with me. Is – is that ok?"

It was only then he realised that Magnus had been crying. Alec raised his hand and brushed the tears away, deep down he was trying to sweep aside all the hurt he had ever caused him.

"I'm here for you Alexander. I love you and I will never let you go ever again." Magnus's eyes shone with determination and an intensity that Alec recognised as raw and soulful love.

"I love you, Magnus Bane and I swear I will never do anything as stupid ever again." Alec smiled at the Warlock, who, to Alec's relief, returned it and pressed him into a warming embrace.

**Wow guys - another very long chapter! I had intended this one to be a bit shorter than the last, but I had to get everything out that I needed to! Apologies for the depressing nature of this one - at least they are back together now though! And I promised Malec fluff and Malec lemons and by jingo you shall get them - I swear by the Angel! LOL**

**Tune in for the next chapter, when I promise the hurt stuff will be minimal in comparison to this one. Please don't forget to let me know what you think of this chapter, or of the whole story so far! Especially if you have anything constructive to say about my writing or the storyline!**

**Will hopefully be able to update with the next chapter much sooner than I have been. Thanks so much for your patience and support so far. :-)**

**NOTE:**

**_Sayang_ is Indonesian for 'darling'.**


	14. Chapter 14

**WARNING: This chapter contains adult content and reader discretion is highly advised.**

Lots and lots of warning for Malec lemons in this chapter! I did promise and hope that I meet your expectations...

* * *

"Jace! I'm talking to you!"

Jace snapped out of his daydream. He hadn't even noticed that Maryse was talking to him.

"Sorry?" he responded politely. The truth of it was that he was thinking about Clary. Again. He had to admit it was getting harder, not easier as time went on. The occasional brief hug or holding of hands really wasn't going to cut it in the long term. He really hoped he could come up with something soon; else he was quite possibly going to spend the rest of his life as a completely useless mush.

"I said have you heard from Alec?"

That completely caught him off-guard. They had all been covering for Alec these past few weeks; his _parabatai_ had had a complete breakdown when he and Magnus broke up, including but not limited to drug-taking, sleeping around with random Downworlders and self-harm.

Maryse and Robert couldn't find out. They hadn't been exactly thrilled that Alec had finally come out of the closet and admitted he was not only gay but also in a relationship with the High Warlock of Brooklyn; he had been lucky the Lightwoods had such a good position amongst the Clave because Jace had heard of Nephilim who had been stripped of their marks and exiled for falling in love with the wrong person in the past. It would have been a certainty if they had found out he had actually been doing anything illegal.

Jace looked over to Isabelle in a panic but she was purposefully ignoring him and he could see her seething under her breath.

"Ummm… no, not a peep," Jace eventually managed to stammer out. Isabelle snapped her head up and looked at him in horror. Maryse looked at him sternly, her eyes cold and her lips in a thin line.

"I do hope you two haven't had a falling out," she told him seriously. Jace felt his heart begin to pound and his hands go clammy. Maryse had always managed to make him nervous.

"Oh no, not at all – I mean, I _have_ heard from him. We, um, had a bit of an argument and I haven't heard from him since."

Jace always thought he was quite a convincing liar, but he hadn't even convinced himself. Maryse looked at him suspiciously, her expression slightly pained.

"So you have had a falling out?" she said, eyeing him as she took a sip of tea.

Jace could feel himself starting to sweat.

"I spoke to him yesterday!" Isabelle interrupted. Jace was thankful that she had attempted to save him from Maryse's interrogation, but because she yelled it was probably the worst thing she could have done.

Maryse banged the mug down onto the table. "Ok, what's going on?" she asked them exasperated.

"Nothing! I spoke to Alec yesterday and everything is fine! I did ask when he was coming home, but he said he wasn't sure yet. They're having a great time…"

"And where exactly did you say they have gone again?"

Isabelle squirmed, knowing that her mother had almost trapped her. Luckily, it had given Jace enough time to compose himself.

"Oh alright, I suppose we can't really hide it from you anymore," Jace announced with a heavy sigh. Isabelle looked at him flabbergasted, her mouth open and her eyes wild with panic. Maryse gave Jace a long and withering look, but nodded for him to continue his explanation.

"Ok, so basically Alec and Magnus had a fight and they broke up. They are back in New York now and at Magnus' loft, but they are talking everything through. Alec didn't want you to know because it's still all a little delicate." Jace had always believed the best kind of lies were those that contained elements of the truth. Isabelle clearly approved because she let out the breath she had been holding in.

"And when did this all happen? When they were away?"

"Yes," Jace said without a beat.

Maryse picked up her mug and took another sip of her tea, her eyes glazing slightly as they always did when she was deep in thought.

"And how is he?" she asked softly, her voice now full of concern rather than severity. Jace knew that Maryse really loved her children and each of them could see how much she loved the others; what she wasn't very good at was showing each of them individually. It was a shame really, and Jace did often wonder whether the same applied to him.

"He was really broken up," Isabelle said truthfully. "He's really confused at the moment, but it looks hopeful."

Maryse hummed her acknowledgement and cradled her warm mug thoughtfully.

"Well, tell him to call me, will you?"

"Sure," Jace said as he smiled encouragingly at her.

As he and Isabelle headed to the training room together, they both let out their relief by exhaling all the air from their lungs.

"That was a close one," Isabelle observed.

"Alec's going to kill us when we tell him she knows about the breakup," Jace told her sadly. And it was true; Alec hadn't wanted anyone to know about his and Magnus' breakup and had been really annoyed that Clary, Simon, Jordan, Maia and Luke knew. They had, of course, all been sworn to secrecy, especially with keeping it from Alec's parents, as well as Jocelyn because everyone agreed she would probably go and tell Maryse and Robert straight without a second thought. Jace wasn't looking forward to having to tell his _parabatai_ that Clary had told Simon about the drugs and about the incident at the Warehouse.

"Better that than knowing about everything else. I tried to speak to him this morning."

Jace looked at her with concern, wanting to both chide her for contacting Alec behind his back but more because he wanted to find out what was said.

"And?" he urged her.

"He told me they had spoken," she said measuredly and Jace stopped abruptly mid step and looked at her hopefully. "Don't get your hopes up," she said, continuing to walk ahead. "He said that they weren't back together." She looked sad and despondent. Jace uttered a few expletives under his breath but Isabelle didn't scold him for it.

"Well, he didn't say that they weren't _going_ to get back together, but he said that they had talked but that 'nothing has happened yet'. I believe they were his words." She let out a long sigh.

"I thought it was all the Warlock, but now I'm convinced it's him, the idiot. You saw it too: how Magnus was with him that night. And when I went over there he was behaving like he was Alec's Rottweiler. Alec told me he thought Magnus didn't love him anymore but I know he does. It's driving me nuts that Alec won't wake up and realise it."

Clary was already in the training room when they arrived and it made him feel warm and light inside. He couldn't help but smile when her throwing knife buried itself into the centre of the target: he had taught her that. She looked so beautiful when she was in fighting mode; fierce and strong but still the stubborn fiery Clary he loved. She shone brighter than any flame he could ever produce.

"You missed lunch," Isabelle told her sternly.

"Yeah, sorry, wasn't hungry and just thought I would get a head start. I do need as much practice as possible…"

"Hey," he breathed as he approached her and stood as close to her as he dared. He bent over and kissed her lightly and quickly on the cheek, wanting to linger and trying to breath in as much of her as possible.

"Hey, how is Alec?" she asked thoughtfully.

"Magnus is taking good care of him I'm told," Jace told her as he spun around and pulled a battered-looking kindjal off the wall.

"Mum's getting suspicious though, " Izzy said from over near the wires. "Jace told her that they had had a fight but were working things through."

"I suppose it's partly true," Clary conceded.

"If she found out what has really been going on – all the drugs and self-harming – there will be hell to pay," Jace announced as he took aim at the battered painted target.

"Oh, there will be hell to pay," a voice from the entrance to the room thundered. It was Maryse, looking fearsome and murderously angry. "You can count on that," she said, her icy voice quivering with rage.

* * *

"So W.S is Woolsey Scott? The founder of the Praetor Lupus?"

"The very same," Magnus replied.

Alec brushed his hands over the lid of the box, tracing the initials there once again.

"Why would a werewolf have a silver box?" Alec asked him, trying to disguise his uncertainty over whether Magnus was telling the truth and not doing a particularly good job of it.

Magnus chuckled, sensing Alec's doubts and he pulled the Shadowhunter towards him and pecked him on the cheek.

"That is the reason he gave it to me – it was an unwanted gift. _Seriously_ unwanted."

"So the two of you were boyfriends once?" Alec asked innocently. Magnus barked out a loud and incredulous laugh.

"Oh heavens, no! I went to him when Camille left me. He was a good friend and while we may have had a physical relationship there was never anything more."

Alec raised his eyebrow at him. "So you used to just sleep with your friends?" He felt anger bubble in his stomach. Alec breathed in through his nose and tried to count to ten; he knew he had to be patient with Magnus if he expected Magnus to be patient with him in return.

"Alec, please… It wasn't like that," Magnus countered. "You have to understand that single sex relationships in those days were illegal – you could go to prison for a very long time."

"Really?"

Magnus nodded solemnly. "In those days it was the Nephilim who were the tolerant ones."

Alec gave a short, nervous laugh.

"So who is Will?" Alec asked before he could push down the words. He immediately regretted it when he saw Magnus' face.

"Will _was_ a very good man. We were friends, nothing more." Magnus looked sad and wistful.

"You loved him though, didn't you?" Alec asked sheepishly, because he recognised that look in the Warlock's eyes; the warm affection that Magnus often had when he looked at him.

"Yes, I did love him I suppose. But it's more complicated than all that. I didn't love him like I love you, Alec. There is nothing complicated about the way I love you. It is pure and simple and like nothing else I have experienced." He smiled warmly at Alec and tenderly tucked a loose strand of the Shadwohunter's hair behind his ear.

"And before you ask, I never slept with him," he told Alec with a smirk. "I did snog him once in order to annoy Camille – that is why she tried to goad you by saying you look like him; because I made her believe that we were an item. We most definitely weren't though. Nothing like that ever happened between us; his wife would've killed me…"

"His wife?"

"I think that may be a story for another time. It is also a tale that involves someone who may not be comfortable with you knowing their story. I would have to check first."

Alec lowered his head and nestled into Magnus' chest, nuzzling the side of his neck. "Thank you," he said, his breath tickling along the smooth golden skin.

"What for?" asked Magnus as he ran his fingers through Alec's hair.

Alec swatted Magnus' upper arm lightly, to which the Warlock responded with an "Ow!" even though it was soft enough to not hurt him.

"You know what for," Alec told him. "For sharing."

"I was so worried about telling you anything before, because I thought I may do the person I remembered a disservice – I have so many memories I sometimes get confused and I don't want you to think badly about someone from my past just because I can't explain properly or can't remember an exact detail."

Alec smiled. "I don't need specifics though, I just want to know what _you_ remember, whether it is only a fleeting memory or not. It's not even about the memories; it's about understanding you and your life."

At that, Magnus pulled Alec closer to him and held onto him tightly. Alec planted a small kiss on his boyfriend's neck and found that he couldn't stop himself. He was engrossed suddenly in the smell and feel of the Warlock and he trailed small butterfly kisses along the sensitive skin of his throat and across his jaw.

"Mmmmm," was all Magnus was able to say, giving in to the sensation.

Alec pushed Magnus with some force so that the Warlock was lying on the bed; the Shadowhunter pinned himself on top of him, continuing his assault of his soft, warm neck and trailing down to his collarbone and shoulder. He was not wearing anything on his upper half, thankfully, which afforded Alec easier access to his smooth, sweet flesh as he continued to kiss Magnus' body, sliding downwards so that he could kiss and taste his boyfriend's chest. It was glorious.

He found the heat at his groin intensified with every tender kiss he placed and soon the tightness there was stifling. Magnus wasn't touching him, though, just lying back and enjoying submitting himself to Alec's exploration of his body. And thoroughly enjoying it judging by the expression on his face: closed eyes and contented smile. This was something he would have to remedy.

With that, Alec passed his tongue delicately across one of Magnus' nipples, eliciting a gasp from the other man whose eyes flew open. Alec sucked at the small nub, causing Magnus to close his eyes again and fling his head back. Alec grinned at the display that made passion bubble up in his lower abdomen; seeing Magnus in the throes of pleasure was definitely one of his favourite sights.

Magnus moaned and arched his back, pushing his chest further towards Alec, telling him he liked what the other was doing. But suddenly, Magnus' hand cupped the side of Alec's face.

"Hey, you alright?" the Warlock asked him breathlessly. Alec looked up and saw Magnus' face, flushed in a rosy-gold hue and his cat-eyes darkened with desire. He looked concerned, however, as he smiled nervously.

Alec couldn't think of what to say at that exact moment, so instead he shifted his weight seamlessly so that his own body covered Magnus' and he leant his head forward, capturing the Warlock's lips in a slow, sensual kiss. His boyfriend sighed into his mouth as he leisurely groped the other man's tongue with his own. He was more than alright. Right then, there was only him and Magnus in the entire world and nothing could spoil it; no memory was strong enough to destroy what they had between them, especially at that particular moment.

Alec heard his phone buzz off to his right, coming from the bedside table, but he decided to ignore it.

Alec slid his hand carefully down Magnus' side and then pressed his palm into the heat and firmness of his crotch. Passion sprang up from his core and Magnus moaned loudly into his mouth at the contact, which Alec then echoed. The Shadowhunter used his knee to part Magnus' legs and to allow him better access and the Warlock pushed his hips towards him, making their covered erections rub deliciously together.

At that moment, Alec consciously thought about the Vampire. But the thought was not accompanied by any cold or sickening feeling, just a mild annoyance that the memory had detracted from the task in hand. He realised he really didn't care what had happened to him then, and that all that mattered now was that his boyfriend was writhing with pleasure beneath him.

Alec began to grind into Magnus, both of them having to break their kiss then to gasp at much needed air as the sensation drove away all of their control. Magnus pulled up Alec's t-shirt impatiently and he quickly removed the article; he leant back down for another kiss, revelling in the sensation of their bare chests and skin-on-skin contact. He wanted more.

He trailed his hands down Magnus' smooth, long body and began to fumble with the waistband of Magnus' silk lounge pants.

"Let me get that," Magnus breathed against his lips and with a snap of his fingers the silk trousers disappeared, leaving Magnus naked underneath him. They kissed again, more urgently this time, the heat of the Warlock's body permeating every inch of his as they moved together.

He wanted Magnus more in that moment than he thought he ever had. He wanted all of him; wanted to feel every fibre of his body and soul entwine with his own. He reluctantly broke away from the kiss and sat up, straddling his legs over his boyfriend and tried to undo the buttons on his jeans.

_Why did I decide to get dressed today of all days?_

"Let me help you," Magnus' rich melodic voice, made low with raw desire, told him as he placed his hands over Alec's. The touch was light and loving; barely a whisper. But then Magnus stopped suddenly and clutched at Alec's fingers. "You're shaking," he told him, now concerned. Alec gazed down at the man he loved and smiled warmly at him.

"I definitely need help then."

Magnus returned his smile, relief spreading across his face. With a very deliberate and flamboyant swish of his wrist and blue sparks crackling at his fingertips, Alec's jeans and boxers disappeared too and he sucked in a good amount of cold air as his erection was freed, finally relieving the suffocating restriction.

"You're so beautiful," Magnus murmured, shifting underneath him to try and regain some contact. "I've missed you," he whispered and he pulled at Alec's arms, bringing the Shadowhunter closer to him and kissing him deeply. As their erections rubbed together Alec couldn't suppress a very primal growl in the back of his throat.

"I want you, Magnus," he breathed into the other man's mouth.

_Oh my God I want him so much_

Alec wanted him more than anything.

"You can go on top if you want to baby," Magnus told him through ragged breaths. "If that's easier for you."

Alec pulled a little away and stared at him quizzically. "What do you mean?"

Magnus looked back at him, a bit out of sorts from all the passionate contact. "I meant that last time, you couldn't bear to have me touch you – I thought it might be easier for you… Not to be reminded."

Alec felt a little angry for a moment as he mulled over Magnus' words, but the desire eating its way through his body was far too strong for him to be angry with Magnus. Alec's lips quirked into a salacious smile. "Well that's very thoughtful of you," he said with a small rotation of his hips, causing the Warlock to gasp. He leant back into his boyfriend and pressed his lips so they were mere millimetres away from his ear. "But I want you to fuck me," he whispered and felt Magnus shudder beneath him.

Alec pressed his advantage and licked Magnus' ear, nipping at his earlobe and sucking it hungrily. The Warlock let out a deep moan that filled Alec with even more fire as he heard the faint crackle of magic again emanating from his lover's fingers. The familiar scent of lubricant rose about him and he felt Magnus hands on his ass, pulling apart his cheeks and swirling his finger around the sensitive puckered skin at his entrance. All the while the Warlock kissed him deeply, wrestling their tongues together in a sensual dance. Alec grunted encouragingly at the sensation at his behind, urging his lover on.

As Magnus inserted one long finger slowly inside of him he felt like the world melted around him. It felt incredible and familiar at the same time and he relaxed into the touch, surrendering himself to the beautiful feeling of Magnus' elegant and skilful fingers, pushing into him one by one.

He whimpered at the loss of contact when Magnus withdrew and the Warlock held him steady and gazed at him, the golden-green of his eyes now molten with desire.

"Are you sure you want to do this? I don't mind waiting if you need to; I don't want to force you to do anything you are not ready for." His tone was soft, though Alec could hear the giveaway hitches in his breathing that indicated he was having difficulty containing his urges.

Alec necessarily lived by the motto of "less talking, more action," because he wasn't very good at talking. He never felt that he was particularly eloquent like Jace or persuasive like Isabelle when he spoke, so he had always been more of a 'doer'. In response to Magnus' question he gracefully raised himself onto his knees and positioned himself in a seated position over Magnus. Rather than explaining himself, Alec picked up the tube of lubricant he spied discarded on the bed next to Magnus' left hand and coated his own hand in the silky liquid.

Magnus gazed up at him hungrily, passion constricting him and making him shiver, his beautiful eyes wide in awe at what Alec was doing. The Shadowhunter reached around behind him and spread his lubricated hand around Magnus' shaft, coating it and causing his lover to call out in incoherent ecstasy. Magnus had barely recovered when Alec shifted his body again and with his hand gripping the Warlock's cock, manoeuvred the member inside him in one quick fluid movement.

They both gasped at the sensation and Alec threw back his head in wanton abandonment. If he couldn't quite express with words how much he wanted Magnus then at least he could show him.

"Fuuuuck!" Magnus screamed out, trying hard not to thrust his hips. Magnus filled him and for the first time in ages Alec felt complete again.

Alec rode him, briefly aware he was happy to be in control because if he wasn't he may have chickened out. Waves of pleasure washed through his body with each push downwards, being matched with slow and deep thrusts from his boyfriend. They had made love so many times before that Alec always thought he would get used to it; and every single time he was surprised at how wonderful it felt and how utterly lost they both got. They had made love passionately, roughly, slowly, lovingly. But this was different somehow; it was not forceful, but so very intense and it felt like a homecoming. Like a whisper of a promise that they would never part again.

He drove on harder, gyrating his hips downwards and meeting his lover's thrusts. Magnus was whimpering loudly and slammed upwards into him, filling him and sending white hot flashes of pleasure through his body. Alec leaned backwards, his right hand resting on Magnus' thigh and supporting his weight; his free hand reached out and found the Warlock's hand. Their fingers laced together naturally, instinctively. They fitted together so perfectly that there was no doubt that there could be any other way. There could be no other person for either of them, and this was something they had both now seemed to realise.

Alec could make out the faint hum of his phone coming from where it lay on the bedside table, but his senses were beginning to cloud. Magnus pulled their joined hands apart and found Alec's hard and dripping erection, sliding his smooth, thin hands up and down the length and making Alec gasp in pleasure.

He was so close to release now and, glancing down at Magnus and seeing his face contorted in that beautiful way, he knew his lover was too. Alec shifted the angle of his body slightly and let a small scream escape his lips as Magnus' cock slammed right into his prostate. It wouldn't take much longer in this position, though Alec secretly wished that this moment would never end. They were back. This was it. The moment so beautiful he could hardly comprehend it.

Suddenly there were muffled banging noises coming from the main room of the loft. They made Alec jump and he opened his eyes with a start. He couldn't stop his movements though, too lost in the other man and in their pleasure.

There was a loud bang and a scream from the door of the bedroom.

"By Raziel – fucking hell!"

Alec practically leapt from Magnus and fell off the bed, landing with a thud on the hardwood floor. He heard more loud cursing coming from Magnus and a frenzied commotion. The Shadowhunter pulled the rumpled white sheet from the bed to try and cover his naked, and highly aroused, body.

"Mum!" he yelled incredulously, seeing her dark-clothed shape looming there at the doorway. Her face was as red as a tomato and her arms were folded about herself protectively. Jace was stood behind her, his hand on her shoulder and his face screwed up where he was trying not to laugh. Isabelle came bounding through and bumped into Maryse who had stopped dead on the threshold, causing the three of them to stumble forwards.

"What the – " his sister stammered and then began to giggle manically as she surveyed the scene in front of her.

Alec didn't think he would ever recover from this embarrassment.

"Oh my god – you've totally made up then?" Isabelle managed to get out between giggles. And then Jace started to guffaw too. Alec wanted the floor to open up and swallow him. He shot a nervous glance to Magnus, who was perched on the bed with the comforter wrapped around him, a small smirk on his face though he had the decency in his eyes to look mildly horrified.

"Shut up, both of you!" Maryse barked at his siblings. Surprisingly, they both stopped laughing suddenly and their expressions turned grave, almost in unison.

_Shit, something has happened_.

"Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you have some _serious_ explaining to do," his mother told him dangerously, the colour now draining slightly from her cheeks. "Both of you put some clothes on NOW!" she yelled, before turning and pushing past Jace, leaving Alec and Magnus exchanging frantic glances.

"Guys, we are so sorry…" Jace began.

"Do you think we could have a _little_ privacy?" Magnus interrupted, his voice edged with malice.

"Absolutely," Isabelle said loudly, throwing up her hands in surrender, catching Jace by his arm and leading him away. As she shut the door behind them, Alec caught Jace chuckling and muttering something that sounded a lot like "Priceless," under his breath.

Alec had started to dare to dream that this would be the best day of his life; it was rapidly turning out to be one of his worse.

* * *

**Hope you liked this one! I did say it would get ****_better_**** but I didn't say I wouldn't stop torturing them! Thank you ever so much to all those who have followed, favourited and reviewed this story so far. Please do continue to do this! I especially love hearing your thoughts via reviews, so whatever you have to say (whether good or bad) please do say it!**

**This story is almost done now, but I do have some more ideas in the pipeline - please let me know if you have any 'challenges' you would like to set me and I shall endeavor to write it!**

**And just to warn you, any remaining chapters will likely be just as lemon-y (perhaps more so :-D) than this one.**


	15. Chapter 15

**WARNING: This chapter contains adult content. Reader discretion is highly advised.**

Warning - Contains lemons :-D

This was quite possibly the most awkward situation he had ever been in. They all sat on Magnus' large, overstuffed canary yellow sofas in a tense silence. Magnus and Alec occupied one sofa and Jace, Clary (who Alec had not seen during the embarrassing scene in the bedroom) and Isabelle occupied the one opposite and looked a little squashed even though the sofa was more than large enough to accommodate the three of them. His mother sat on a matching armchair to their left, as if she were presiding over them. She sat on the edge of the cushion, bolt upright and her cold gaze was fixed avidly on Alec, causing a permanent flush on his face and making his insides knot.

Magnus took Alec's hand in his and he was grateful beyond belief for the reassuring contact. The icy silence continued for a beat or two and Alec could hear his heart hammering inside his chest. He felt sick and faint and wasn't sure whether that had something to do with the withdrawal or because his mother was just so terrifying.

"So, to what do we owe the pleasure of this _interruption_?" Magnus asked angrily. Alec could feel how annoyed his lover was because the Warlock was gripping his hand like a voce and his beautiful eyes were a very vivid green; the colour they often looked during battle.

"This doesn't concern you, Bane," Maryse spat. "I am here to speak with my son." She looked like a dangerous animal that had been caged and was now primed to pounce.

"Oh, well forgive me," Magnus said with flamboyant and over-purposeful sarcasm. "It's only _my_ apartment you have broken into. I should love to hear what the Council has to say about this. There was a time, as you well know, but nowadays you can't just storm into any Downworlder residence on a whim, waving your ridiculous glow-in-the-dark swords around for attention."

"We're not armed," Jace interrupted. His voice was calm and measured and he didn't seem to be laughing anymore. Maryse shot him a cold, withering look and he shut up immediately.

"Oooh, thank the Angel," Magnus chimed angrily. Alec squeezed his hand, just to let him know that he was still there and that Magnus should probably calm down. He looked up and met his mother's furious gaze, which caused him to gulp in panic.

"What's wrong, Mom?"

She took a deep breath then and Alec could see that she wasn't as angry as he first thought; her practiced malevolent stare faded slightly as she let her guard down and Alec could see only hurt and confusion and worry in her dark blue eyes.

"What's this I hear about you taking drugs Alexander?" she whispered.

There was uproar, started by Magnus, suddenly reverberating about the room. The loud voices of his boyfriend, Jace, Clary and Isabelle shouting and fiercely protesting his innocence clamoured around them. But Alec and his mother had locked eyes and he didn't really catch what they were saying. As he looked at her he realised that it was too late: she knew. The noise around him was suddenly deafening.

"Everyone just shut up!" Alec yelled above the din. Everyone stopped abruptly and looked at him, not quite believing it was Alec who had silenced them.

"Mom, I am not sure what you have heard or what exactly is going on here. Shall we go somewhere to talk?" Alec said calmly and stood up, breaking the contact with Magnus. His mother stood too, her tall angular frame suddenly looked rather delicate as he gestured for her to walk ahead of him and out of the room.

Alec ushered her into a guest bedroom, too embarrassed with what she had witnessed there a few minutes ago to take her into the main one, accompanied by gaping, worried stares from the others. Alec shut the door behind them and turned to face her, ready for the worse. But she looked at him fretfully, her eyes were wide and shining with tears and she pulled him towards her and captured him in a fierce hug that knocked his breath away briefly. Alec had always known he was loved and he had his mother to thank for that.

"Oh Alec, my baby, I'm so worried about you," she purred at him, on the verge of crying. Alec couldn't help it; the emotions that had built up inside him over the past few weeks resurfaced again and he found his tears spilling from his eyes, too many of them to contain anymore. Although he was taller than her now, the embrace was so familiar and safe that Alec felt he could finally let go. She rubbed his back tenderly to comfort him as she had done all his life.

"Oh darling, it's ok. It's all going to be ok," she cooed.

And Alec believed her. Everything was ok now; he had Magnus back and things were starting look up for him now. He had not taken any drugs ever since that night at the Warehouse and, though the withdrawal was proving to be absolute agony, being here with Magnus and knowing that they could be together once more lessened the pain. He was proud of that he was coming through everything now.

Alec dried his eyes with the back of his hand and pulled away from his mother's arms to look at her. Her face was warm and loving and not scary and cold and angry as it had been.

"Won't you tell me what's going on?" she pleaded.

"Me and Magnus broke up. And it was horrible. It was one of the worst things that have ever happened to me, Mom." He guided her over to the edge of the bed, made up with purple and pink satins.

"I was so sad I thought my whole world was going to cave in. I was in so much pain that I drew countless healing runes on my arms to try and cope with it." Maryse gave a small gasp and lightly touched Alec's forearm, running her fingers up and down his skin.

"It's ok – that's pretty much healed now. Jace and Isabelle found out about it and tried to help me. You were out of town at the time, I think. But I still couldn't get over the pain and one night I was out walking, trying to clear my head, and I ran into a Vampire who said he had been following me." He looked at his mother, but she just nodded at him, urging him to continue.

"He offered a way to take away my pain, so I went along with him. He took me to an Ifrit Den in Harlem." He stared into his mother's eyes, so like his own, and saw the barely contained tears shimmering there.

"I'm so sorry for what I did, but I was weak and I wanted to get rid of the pain. I am not proud of my behaviour. I was selfish and juvenile and I shouldn't have done it."

"Is that all, Alexander?" she asked him sadly, tears rolling down her cheek. He didn't want to tell her about what happened at the warehouse, but something in his gut was pushing him on.

"I almost died, Mom. I was so afraid. He – the Vampire – he attacked me and he… well, he attacked me when I told him I wanted to stop. Magnus has been looking after me." His mother gripped his hand tightly and Alec felt his stomach tighten at the awful memory.

"He saved me. He came and got me and he rescued me and made sure I was ok. It's been horrible, but I haven't taken anything since that night." He looked at her and saw tears tumbling down her cheek. "I'm so sorry for everything," he told her in a small voice. Then she hugged him again in a protective and heartfelt embrace.

"And who was this Vampire?" she demanded suddenly. Her expression had turned slightly angry again.

"I don't know. But he won't be a problem anymore…"

"Why, what happened?" she was suddenly panicked her eyes strong again with concern.

"Ummm Magnus killed him…"

"Oh bloody hell," she said, annoyed. "This is not going to go down well on the Council. Rafael is going to be furious."

"He wasn't one of Rafael's clan – he worked for Maureen."

His mother stopped dead and looked at him aghast. Alec gazed back at her, slightly puzzled by her reaction. Then she seemed to remember herself and gave a small, nervous cough. "Well, I hope Magnus knows what he's doing."

Alec smiled at the mention of his boyfriend's name. "Yeah, he knows what he's doing," Alec said dreamily before he could stop himself.

"Yes, we all saw…"

"Mother!" Alec yelled, appalled. His mother's face broke into a rather unexpected smile, like the sun coming out after a dark storm.

"I'm happy for you, Alec. I'm so very glad that the two of you have seemed to work out whatever has gone on."

Alec smiled weakly at her and suddenly her face became serious.

"But you have to know how terribly distressed I am by your behaviour and I cannot allow this to just slide without any repercussions."

Alec's heart dropped within his chest and he felt nauseous. "You're going to report this to the Clave?" he asked her timidly.

She seemed to weight up her options for a moment. "No," she said eventually and Alec let out a sigh of relief; he hadn't even been aware he was holding his breath.

"You're an adult Alec so I can't ground you and send you to bed without supper. But neither can I report my own son to the Council. Not for this and not now with Jonathan Morgenstern on the loose," she told him firmly.

"Then what are you going to do? What do you want from me?" he asked her, still afraid of what she was going to say.

"I want you to come back and live at the Institute for the time being. Just so I know you are safe and I can keep an eye on you. Please, Alec, do this for me?"

He was taken aback by her words at first but the panic refused to subside.

_I can't lose him again_.

"I am not going anywhere without Magnus," he told her bluntly, trying to steel his nerves and slow his pulse to a more regular beat. "Even if you have to report me and I end up having my marks stripped and am banished. I won't spend another day apart from him. I can't. I _need_ him."

"Magnus would be allowed to live at the Institute too," she told him calmly.

Now that took him by surprise and he goggled her with his mouth agape.

"I do not want to split the two of you apart. I just want to know you're safe. Magnus will be more than welcome, though there will have to be some ground rules. I'm afraid this is my only offer. If you don't come back to the Institute then…"

"Then you will rat me out to the Clave?" Alec interrupted, slightly annoyed. He wasn't a child anymore and there was a part of him that resented being treated in this way, regardless of how honourable and understandable his mother's intentions were.

"I already told you that I wouldn't report you," she snapped back. "But I will tell your father. And I am not sure how he will react. It is your choice, Alec, but I am only prepared to keep this between us and not to let your father know if I am sure you will be safe and I am sure it will not happen again."

Alec was under no illusion. If his father found out about this then he would definitely report him. Not to mention that his father would probably never speak to him ever again.

"So you're blackmailing me then?" Alec asked her incredulously. "I suppose that if I told you that I will be more than safe here with Magnus; that he can put up magical wards just as strong as those around the Institute you won't listen?"

"No, I won't listen. These are troubled times, my darling," she told him and her face began to soften. "And I'm not blackmailing you much," she said with a crooked smirk. "I just want to keep you safe. And I really shouldn't be keeping this from Dad and I wouldn't if I had any idea how this war will turn out… or how he'd react. We can't lose anyone in this crucial time: we are stronger together. We need you and Magnus right now as much as you need the rest of us, just as much as you need each other. Love is selfish Alec, but I know you are not."

Now Alec understood it would be the hardest thing in the world to refuse her. He hugged her again and felt warm and loved. He would have to break this to Magnus gently, knowing that his boyfriend would detest the idea of them living at the Institute.

_Magnus is going to kill me_.

"This is absurd."

Alec eyed his lover sheepishly; his head bent low in submission and penance. They had got rid of his mother and the other three after some awkward conversation and Alec had sat Magnus down to explain the situation.

"Please don't be difficult about this," he pleaded with Magnus, who was sulking. "There was no other way she would have kept quiet and not told Dad."

"So you enjoy being blackmailed by your own mother?" Magnus spat petulantly.

"Of course I don't enjoy it! Besides, it does make sense from her perspective. As Nephilim we should all be together at this time as support for what is coming. She's scared and wants me to be with her so she doesn't have to worry."

"Oh yes, because lots of Nephilim grouped nicely in one place is _far_ better than having them spread all around. Because Sebastian won't think the Institute is a particularly prize target…"

"Stop it," Alec chided him. "You don't have to come if you really don't want to. Mom is prepared to provide us accommodation and you are welcome to be there, but no one will force you. I have no choice, but you do. I just hope you choose me, because the last thing I want is to lose you again." Alec smiled at him sweetly.

"You are so manipulative, Alexander," Magnus observed, pulling him closer and planting a soft kiss on his temple.

"It's the truth though. I have to go either way, but you have a choice. I hate the idea too, but I'm sure it won't be for long: just until this situation with Sebastian is sorted. It would be horrible to be parted from you for even a moment, but if you don't want to live at the Institute then I suppose we will just have to put aside time every day when we can meet or talk over the phone. It would be manageable." The more he was talking, the less convinced he was becoming about life living apart from Magnus.

His boyfriend hugged him tightly. "You need me too much right now. I know we should take things slowly, but every time I'm not in the same room as you it feels like my heart is going to explode. I would worry too much about you over at the Institute and would end up living there anyway, because I wouldn't be able to leave you." He let out a long, dramatic sigh. "I suppose there's no helping it. I do hope there will be enough room for all my clothes…"

Alec couldn't help it; Magnus made him too happy for words. He practically pounced and knocked the Warlock over on the soft couch and began to kiss him fervently.

"You're welcome," Magnus giggled between kisses.

Alec moved his kisses down to Magnus' defined jaw and then down his smooth long neck, breathing in his scent as he did. He had always loved the smell of Magnus; exotic spices mingled with musk and the distinctive burned sugar scent of magic.

"Well I am very prepared to say thank you…" Alec murmured against his skin, causing Magnus to hum with desire. "What do you want?" he whispered wickedly. Alec had never thought himself as seductive, but Magnus had always responded well, even when he thought he sounded ridiculous. He even enjoyed the whole seduction thing now, whereas at first it used to make him choke.

Magnus' hand suddenly gripped his ass and Alec gasped with pleasure. "I want to finish what we started. Before we were rudely interrupted," the Warlock told him, his voice rough with need already. Alec pressed his hips downwards in response, causing their already painfully hard erections to collide and they both moaned in unison at the contact.

"Bed?" Alec asked breathlessly.

"I'm more than happy right here," Magnus told him with a small smirk. A swish of the Warlock's golden wrist and both their clothes vanished and their naked bodies pressed together hungrily. Alec briefly thought about whether they would be able to do this at the Institute. He supposed their sex life would have to change and they may have to invest in an inside lock for their room.

And then they were drowning in each other; fiery passion and hot, wet kisses as they probed each other's mouths, hungrily tasting each other with the world melting around them. Magnus slipped a lubricated finger to his entrance and made Alec shut his eyes tight as he slid it into him slowly and white hot pleasure burned up through his body. He was so aroused he thought he might orgasm right then.

_Probably still frustrated from not finishing earlier_.

The Warlock's finger brushed across his sweet spot and caused him to moan loudly. "You're still loose enough from earlier, baby," Magnus whispered gruffly as he pulled out his finger. He grabbed hold of Alec's hips and moved him so that he was sat up and hovered over the other man's penis. It was like ice suddenly grabbed and tugged at his insides and he pushed himself away, landing on his back on the opposite end of the couch.

"Did you just _slip_?" Magnus asked him chuckling. Alec was Nephilim and marked with various balance and agility runes so for him to be anything but graceful was unusual. But that wasn't what happened. He had deliberately pushed away because he was afraid. He stared at Magnus, trying to apologise.

"What's wrong, _sayang_?" Magnus asked, his face dropping to a concerned from as he crawled over to him.

"I – I was afraid that it would… hurt," Alec stammered truthfully. It was extremely awkward to be this afraid and this turned on at the same time. Despite the rising panic his body was still screaming for release. Realisation dawned on Magnus' face and Alec was relieved he didn't have to spell it out for him. He didn't much fancy having to explain the reason he recoiled was because Magnus just taking him like that, without preparing him, reminded him of that night in the warehouse. But from the Warlock's expression, he had worked that out anyway.

"It's ok baby, I won't hurt you I promise. I would never hurt you." Magnus took Alec's face in his hands and kissed him lightly on the lips, conveying his gentleness and love.

"I know," Alec said. "It's just…"

"Shhh, it's ok, I know," Magnus smiled at him. "And I already said you are more than welcome to top if it was easier," he said with a smirk, causing Alec to flush. The Warlock beamed at him. "Oh my God Alec I have missed your blushes!"

He pulled Magnus down on top of him and crushed their lips together. Their hands groped the expanse of bare skin on the other's body and soon the fire was back and bubbling up inside, causing his abdomen to knot and flutter simultaneously with ever touch.

"I'm ready," he whispered against Magnus' soft lips now red and swollen through kissing. His boyfriend nodded and sat up to coat his member in the silky smooth lubricant. Suddenly, Alec could smell a familiar scent.

"Sandalwood again?" he enquired playfully. Magnus grinned at him salaciously as he bent over Alec and licked his left nipple. It startled him how intense the sensation was and made him gasp. As Magnus' teeth scraped over the sensitive nub, Alec was sure he could come from just this; he hadn't thought that possible. He tried to wriggle away but his boyfriend was unrelenting and Alec's body took over. He arched his back to the touch and moaned.

"Please…" he gasped out at the Warlock, who immediately pulled Alec's legs up and angled his body, stopping just short of Alec's entrance. Magnus gave a short nod and leant over him, so that his face was only inches away. He stared into the depths of Alec's eyes and the connection was so strong and intense that Alec shuddered beneath him.

"Are you ok, Alec?" he asked. His eyes were dark with desire, his black pupils dilating and consuming the greeny-gold.

"Just… gentle… and slow?" Alec managed to get out between panting for air. And Magnus pushed into him slowly and carefully, filling him and possessing him. Alec couldn't feel afraid anymore, his body was so alive with passion, and he was determined to not break eye contact with his lover as he thrusted gently inside.

The pace was painstakingly slow, but somehow wildly erotic at the same time. Of course, they had 'made love' before as opposed to the rough and carnal 'fucking' they both enjoyed, but it had never felt like this; it was as if their souls had entwined and they were one. He felt closer to Magnus than he had ever felt before; even closer than he had during the battle at Brocelind when they had shared an Alliance Rune.

"Oh you're so tight, baby," Magnus murmured breathlessly, the soft vibrato in his voice causing Alec to whimper. He was so deep and it felt incredible. As he pressed into Alec's prostate the Shadowhunter could not hold back any longer and he threw his head back and moaned, shutting his eyes to cope with the rocketing pleasure. It felt amazing, but Alec couldn't prevent his body from bucking into Magnus and meeting his thrusts, trying to pick up the pace.

Magnus didn't have to be told, he just responded to Alec's movements by thrusting into him more quickly. At this angle every single stroke found Alec's prostate and caused him to moan and cry out in wild abandon. Magnus often remarked how quiet Alec was during sex, but only because the Warlock was the complete opposite. He would scream and talk and call out that it would probably be impossible for them to sleep together at the Institute without a good few soundproofing spells and runes on their room.

"Oh I'm so close," Magnus moaned. In response, Alec clamped down his muscles around his lover and caused him to scream in ecstasy. Magnus reached down his hand, still lubricated and began to pump Alec's length furiously.

"I want us to come together," Magnus cried out. Alec opened his eyes and took in the sight of his boyfriend; pumping him and thrusting into him, his golden skin shining with perspiration. It was enough to send Alec over the edge and he felt his muscles begin to spasm and convulse. Magnus bent his head and buried his face into the crook of Alec's neck as he came violently, spilling inside him. The feel and scent of Magnus overwhelmed him and Alec found himself orgasm at the same moment; their pleasures mingled together into one single and intense sensation.

They lay there together for a while before Magnus pulled out of him, trying to regain their composure. They were breathing heavily, gasping for air and attempting to focus. Magnus was collapsed on top of him and Alec found his weight warming and comforting. He wrapped his arms about him and stroked his hair. The Warlock laid his head to rest on Alec's chest and his left hand mirrored Alec's as he stroked the Shadowhunter's ink black tresses. Their legs were tangled together complicatedly and Alec revelled in the wonderful feeling of closeness. They stayed there, sticky and undone, holding each other for ages, neither prepared to speak or move for fear of shattering the exquisite moment.

After a while, however, Alec's body was beginning to ache and he could feel another coughing fit coming on so he was compelled to move. He kissed his boyfriend on the top of his head, breathing in the scent of his hair as he did and pushed himself up. Magnus complied and helped by sitting backwards and disentangling his legs. Alec swung his legs across so that he was seated on the edge of the sofa. He bent over and began to cough and the Warlock grabbed a hold of his shoulders to steady him.

When he eventually stopped, the ripping cough ceasing and his body relaxing after the intense pain, Magnus held a dark handkerchief up to his lips, which he took gratefully and wiped away the blood that had accumulated.

"Thanks," he said in a quiet whisper.

"I love you," Magnus blurted out. Alec turned to look at him and found his boyfriend with a big goofy grin across his face. Alec couldn't suppress a laugh. "I love you too," he told him simply.

"Do you think your mother's ground rules may include not fucking in front of her in the future?"

"Magnus!" Alec sputtered and Magnus snorted humorously. Alec paused for a second before adding, "Probably…" under his breath.

* * *

"You owe me fifty bucks," Izzy told him suddenly.

"Excuse me?" he asked her, swirling around the remaining water in his tumbler.

"Fifty, Jace. And you know what for."

"No I don't. And I don't believe I have lost any bet."

Isabelle laughed dangerously. "Oh you know you have so pay up."

"What was the bet?" Clary asked innocently.

"Do you want to tell her Jace? Tell her how your arrogance has lost you money?" Izzy's eyes were glinting. He knew exactly what she was talking about but he would be damned if he would admit it. Clary would probably be appalled to find out they had been making bets about Alec.

"Isabelle made me agree to a very unsavoury bet about her brother and Magnus," Jace tried to pass off nonchalantly.

Clary giggled nervously. "What about?"

There was a small silence and Isabelle eyed him barely able to contain her mirth. Jace folded his arms, refusing to rise to their bating.

"So Jace bet me fifty bucks that Alec was a top. Of course, he was wrong and I was right and therefore… Pay up sucker," she laughed.

"He _was_ on top…" Jace told her defiantly.

Isabelle scowled at him. "You know perfectly well what the term means so don't play naiive with me, _loser_."

Jace hated to lose and he especially hated to be called a loser.

"You are both horrible!" Clary exclaimed, her mouth open in disbelief.

"Seriously though, what would you have guessed?" Jace asked her, knowing that despite her 'moral' mask she had definitely thought about it. Jace knew how good she was at kissing and knew she wasn't as innocent as everyone else thought.

"If you must know I would have totally agreed with Isabelle," she told him firmly, causing Izzy to squeal with glee.

"You are only saying that because you know the right answer now!" Jace protested. "I mean, come one, Alec is _definitely_ the man – look how much glitter Magnus wears!"

Isabelle and Clary both broke down in fits of laughter.

"You're such an idiot sometimes," Izzy said.

"And the only reason you are laughing is because you didn't see it," he told Clary. "I will _never_ get that image out of my head.

"I'm just glad mum has never walked in on me…" Isabelle mused. "Please tell me this gives me the excuse to buy him _really_ inappropriate presents and torture him with embarrassment."

"You are so mean," Clary pointed out.

"He's definitely scarred me for life," Jace said. "I want no part of your fiendish plans."

"I don't know why you're fussing so much. You've seen Alec naked hundreds of times," Izzy countered.

"When we were little! And, I'm sorry, but that was more than walking in on him taking a shower. Nakedness I can handle. That was more than walking in on him jerking off. Again, totally understand that. But doing that with Magnus… eugh."

Clary slammed her fist onto the table and both he and Isabelle stared at her aghast. She was furious.

"You are both so… homophobic! I can't believe you would be so horrible about Alec and Magnus like that! And you especially," she shot at Jace. "How can you be so unkind? Alec is your _parabatai_. What is so _disgusting_ about his relationship with Magnus?"

Her eyes were blazing and Jace felt like he had been winded. He hadn't meant it like that, it was just a joke.

"We totally didn't mean it like that!" Isabelle protested.

"Sorry," Jace mumbled weakly, now realising how ridiculous he had just sounded. Clary got up with a huff and stormed out of the kitchen.

Jace pulled some money out of his back pocket and pushed it across the table to Isabelle.

"I'll owe you the rest," he told her as he got up.

"Yeah, let's not tell Alec about this…" she said sheepishly, counting the money.

"Or Clary," Jace added as he took his leave to follow the red-head and apologise.

* * *

**Hope you liked it guys! Please leave me a review - I do love knowing what you think!  
Just a note to say that this one will probably be wrapped up next chapter, but I have already started to work on a new one-shot! Yay!  
Let me know if you have any requests for writing! Always on the look-out for new Malec ideas!  
x**


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